Emergence -

Emergence - the process of coming into view or becoming exposed after being concealed.

I don't believe there is any better word to describe the last couple weeks for me.  I feel like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon.  OKAY, more like a neutral colored moth.. possibly even the kind that digs holes into the ground until they are ready to become an adult - rather than the fancier ones that form cocoons. Either way, I have emerged.

If you have read any of the other blog posts I have written after moving back to Arizona, I've obviously dragged you into my depression hole as well. I maybe should apologize for that, but I won't. BECAUSE (wait for it..) I know somehow my experiences help others. I couldn't have been the only person suffering from postpartum issues, insecurities, trials, the list goes on. If my temporary misfortune can help someone else work through theirs, I am willing to endure it. 

I am pleased to report that I no longer want to lay in my bed every minute of my life and guzzle pints of The Tonight Dough. HAVE ANY OF YOU TRIED THAT BEN & JERRY'S FLAVOR?! Holy. Crap. It is the best ice cream EVER. I fell in love with it and I have at least an extra eight pounds of super cute butt dimples to prove it. JK, you'll never know if thats true.. Really though, I don't know what specifically threw me into the black hole emotional spiral, but it happened and it was rough. I didn't recognize myself at all. I tried so many different things to try and pull myself out, but I have learned through this process - I had to let it run its course. It is the only thing that worked for me. I am no doctor, and my advice might be horrible for another person - but it worked for me. 

Sparing all of the nasty TMI details of my spiritual/emotional journey, I learned three very important things.

1. Even if you think your family is the root of your stress and depression - they aren't. Being a mother is excruciating at times. It is okay to admit that. I promise you won't be struck by lightening or shunned by your peers. If you are, then they aren't worth the time and effort anyway. I had moments this past year when I thought, had I made choices differently, my life might be "easier" at this point. If I didn't get pregnant when I was 18, I could have gone to college. If I didn't get married because of said pregnancy, I wouldn't have had to go through the pain of divorce.  I could have traveled the world, never gotten into any debt, frolicked in meadows or who knows, maybe met a vampire and lived happily ever after without needing to sleep ever again. Maybe I never would have given myself ulcers over paying bills, or driven myself crazy from lack of sleep.. 
But then there was this quick minute about a month ago, when the rain was falling outside and all of my kids were dancing together, laughing and squealing - not yelling or arguing or crying - and I was overcome with this fierce pride and insanely rededicated love for my life and the people in it. I think that as a parent, my entire existence will be made up of these kinds of moments. Over and over I will feel pushed to the limit of what I think I can handle, then I will be pushed a little more, but then these amazing few seconds of clarity will wash over me. I will be reminded of how precious my life is. I will be reminded that I have people who rely on me. I will be reminded of the HUGE amount of faith I need to have each day to make it through the hard stuff. I will take immense pride in watching my children laugh together for as long or as short as it may be - because Heavenly Father trusts me. He trusts me to be their mom, their example for everything, their teacher, their cheerleader, their friend, their confidant.. Right now, I am everything to them. It may change when they are older, but hopefully its a cycle and comes back to a time where I will be important to them again. I have to believe that I am making a positive impact on their lives.. or why keep working so hard?! It is okay to need a break. Who wouldn't? If it isn't kids making you want to pull your hair out, its your job or whatever else. Take a breather. You matter. Your health (physical or spiritual) matters. Your kids won't remind you when they are 30 that you used to skip out of bed time every Tuesday night to go binge watch episodes of Friends in your car alone. (Yes, I do that.)

2. I cannot get burnt out on other peoples' opinions. Whether its opinions on parenting, church doctrine, friendships, political stances, education, money, nutrition, jobs, and the list GOES ON AND ON AND ON. We all have the regular people's social media posts we cringe at, or who's comments during church lessons give you the worst cases of anxiety. I know I can't be the only one who encounters this. 

Oh okay, you are more educated than me, I get it. You have more money than me, I get it. You have more kids than me, I get it. You are older than me so you must know best - I GET IT. But guess what?! When it comes to MY family and MY children and MY marriage - during those times, with Heavenly Father's help, I know what is best. I cannot let myself get sucked up in other people's opinions. I am sure a lot of the unsolicited advice is good stuff. I always listen. It is respectful to listen to others, and once in a while, the advice is solid. However, listening and taking what is needed from it, it much different than letting it turn into Satan telling you that you are doing everything wrong. I have learned so many times this year, that turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for help has always steered me in a better direction than a random blog post or instagram celebrity's opinion. (See what I did there?! My blabbering on my blog might not be anywhere near what you need or are looking for.. So turn to God instead!) At the end of the day, if my kids eat candy for dinner, so what? If there is some new article by a well educated fellow on the mistakes of the church, so what? If your friend from high school has a boat, a plane, a mansion, and an island.. so what!? I am sure there are people picking apart this post's vocabulary, grammar, ideas, and blah blah.. The best part is that I don't care even a little bit. Cards on the table, this blog is for me. It helps me. If people enjoy reading it, then great. When you start to obsess over other people's lives and opinions, I promise it will do nothing but hinder your growth and progression in every way. 

3. The blame game mixed with the "what if's" is the stupidest game. Truthfully, its not anyone else's fault that I was depressed. My husband leaving his dirty socks everywhere is not the root of all evil and the reason I spiraled. It maybe didn't help the situation (pick them up babe!!) but it is not the reason I hit a wall of depression. Constantly cleaning the house or making meals is not the reason I stopped smiling. Listening to my kids scream at me for moving their princess dolls from the kitchen chair to the couch didn't poison my spirit. What if we never left AZ and moved to UT? We wouldn't be in anywhere near the credit card debt we are in now. That move set us back years financially and we ended up coming back here anyway. What was the point? What if we never would have made the incredible family memories while living there? At least it wouldn't be painful to think about them now. What if I never would have found the handful of life long friends who I miss terribly all.the.time.? Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to think about them and miss them. What if my husband stayed in school and became a doctor like we planned? We definitely wouldn't have had to endure all the traveling and stress of single parenting that we have for months at a time. We would have more money and more freedom now to make more great memories with our kids. Disneyland, weekend beach trips, days on the lake, impromptu getaways.. 

"HOLD ON.... WHAT AM I SAYING?!" I kid you not, this little voice thundered in my head saying this to me the last time I played this game. Good hell Bethany, none of that crap is going to change anything. You can't fix depression with things. You can't become immune to heartache because you don't have debt looming over your head.  You can't constantly obsess over the choices you've made in the past and how they are effecting you now. The only person who is cheering you on for picking apart your entire life to find faults and long for the greener grass - is the adversary. 

Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He has a plan for all his children. My faith in that may get blurred at times, but I always come back to it. We are never abandoned. We are never alone unless we choose to be. I don't now, and never will believe that life is just a collection of coincidences. I have witnessed too many miracles to buy into that perspective. We have Heavenly parents who are constantly rooting for us. Jesus Christ offered HIS LIFE FOR OURS. There is nothing They do not understand. There is nothing you feel that They haven't. Life is so hard, but it is so so beautiful. I have been through so much in my short life, and will continue trudging through the trials because as annoying as this constantly repeated saying is.. 

I truly am grateful for my trials. They make me a better person, and they bring me closer to my Savior. 

We. Got. This.