Progress is impossible without change!

Friends.

My heart is broken. Really. I feel like someone ripped it right out of my chest, threw it on the ground with lethal force and then did a burn out on it with the biggest monster truck you've ever seen. Big changes ROCK my world.. and not in the good way.

When we prayerfully decided to leave Arizona two years ago and come to Utah, I was a wreck. I was terrified to go somewhere new. I didn't want to learn how to make my own clothes. I didn't want to learn how to can my own fruit or coupon. I like buying my groceries already canned from the store even if it costs me five more cents. I truthfully didn't want to be in a densely populated LDS community. It freaked me out! No one I talked to had anything positive to say about Utah, the people, or the culture. I pretty much came into this situation with every single part of me closed off, ready to sit in my house everyday and ignore any alien knocks at the door. I was conditioned to believe that the people here were WHACK and that I would be miserable.

Fast forward to two years later - my husband is going to have to pry my fingers from the door and drag me out kicking and screaming.

This has been the best two years of our family's life. My marriage is in the best shape its ever been, my kids are happy, I AM HAPPY. That is a huge deal. Despite the chaos and trying moments of motherhood, juggling the love for four children and keeping them alive - we are in such a good place. My kids love their friends, they love their schools, they love being out in Utah wonderland. This is such a beautiful place to raise a family. Appreciating the earth and God's creations is effortless here. The best part - I have some solid friends who genuinely love my kids. That is so hard to find. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I feel loved by people I have only known a short time, who have been willing to invest in getting to know me and my kids. It has been truly incredible. There have been a lot of people who have impacted my life in a positive way. I hope I have done the same, even for just one person. Besides, no one has even asked if I want to learn how to make my own clothes, so that was a total lie.

To say it has been a roller coaster of emotions over here lately is being insanely modest. The prayerful decision to go back home was answered QUICK, which I am not used to. We spent three days from Saturday-Monday, dawn til dusk, getting the house ready for the market. We had the realtor over Monday, pictures taken Tuesday, and listed Wednesday. Then my husband left on a business trip for ten days. A word of wisdom to my handful of readers, DO NOT EVER IN YOUR LIFE try to sell a house without your husband around. I had to handle all of the showings by myself which is no easy feat with four kids. I vacuumed about six times a day for three days. I was a crazy person who was losing it if I saw a cheerio fall to the floor. My kids and I were both miserable. THANKFULLY that madness barely lasted 72 hours. We had three offers by Friday evening and were under contract by Saturday. One week. Making the decision to move, getting the house ready, and being under contract all in SEVEN DAYS. It was a nightmare, but a huge blessing to me personally. If we were able to sell our house this quickly, I knew that the answer I received from my many prayers was the right one. Heavenly Father's hand truly was here in our life at this crazy moment - helping us do His will. For whatever reason, He wants us back in Arizona. I have no idea why. It is so hard to have a good attitude about following the Lord's plan for you when you don't like it! It is impossible to understand the heartache sometimes. That is where faith comes in. So many things in life rely heavily on faith. It is a lesson I keep learning over and over. Faith in God is HUGE. Letting go of the reigns and letting Him guide your life is really, really difficult - but has proven to me time and again, that it is always for a worthy reason. Progress is basically the foundation of everything in life and the goal we all strive for. I have to trust that the Lord is taking us back because He has good things in store for us. There will be about  a million hard things, but I have to believe there will be happy moments as well.

Change is a bit "you know what." It can be gut wrenching. It can be terrifying. It can break your heart into a thousand pieces. It can also be wonderful. I have living proof of that. Coming to Utah started out as the most atrocious change I could imagine, and turned into the best thing to happen to our family. I am overwhelmed with tears of gratitude any time I think about the journey and growth we have had here. I will cherish these two years above any and hold them in a special place in my heart.


How often in life do we set our own roots into the soil of life and become root bound? We may treat ourselves too gently and defy anyone to disturb the soil or trim back our root system. Under these conditions we too must struggle to make progress. Oh, change is hard! Change can be rough.

There is nothing so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself. The things we see, touch, and feel are always changing. Relationships between friends, husband and wife, father and son, brother and sister are all dynamic, changing relationships. There is a constant that allows us to use change for our own good, and that constant is the revealed eternal truths of our Heavenly Father.

C. S. Lewis indicated there is often pain in change when he wrote of God’s expectations for His children: “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace” (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, New York: MacMillan Co., 1960, p. 160).

Yes, there is pain in change, but there is also great satisfaction in recognizing that progress is being achieved. Life is a series of hills and valleys and often the best growth comes in the valleys. 

-Marvin J Ashton

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.

The concept of eternal families has me like "whoa"

 I am overwhelmed with awe and gratitude. My heart could burst at the thought of being with my people for eternity. If I keep working my tail off to go uphill in life and do what the Lord has asked me to do, this truth can be mine. It just blows my mind. I can't really find the words to best suit my feelings on the subject! No phrase seems good enough.


Now let us get a little real here. Are you ready?

MY. KIDS. DRIVE. ME. INSANE.

Sidebar - Why do all the extra periods seems to help convey my serious tone?! Mystery.

Really though, straight up crazy town.

I will kneel down lay down half asleep for my prayers before bed and get real with Heavenly Father about the bajillion times I lost my temper that day and ask sincerely for forgiveness and help to be better the next day. I promise myself I will wake up pumped and ready to just ROCK the mom thing. I go over in my brain about all the super fun things I can do that I know they will love. Sprinkle pancakes for breakfast, fun shaped foods in their lunches, skipping a day of bed making, staying in jammies til noon, watching two movies in a row - you know, super exciting stuff for little nuggets. I make a pact with myself to not lose my cool.. to keep my voice calm and to shower them with lots of hugs and kisses. I think to myself that I am probably dreaming a little too big at this point to include that many "fun" activities in their day but I go for it. 

{Fast forward to the next morning}

Its 5AM and I hear the baby girl scream-crying on the monitor. Dammit! She slept til 7AM the past three days. Why the flip is she up at 5? Keep a smile on, you got this. Go feed her a bottle and lay her back down. Fifteen minutes later, she's crying again. Go grab her, put her in her exersaucer and turn on a Baby Einstein. (Don't judge me) 

Lay my tired bum back down around 5:45. 

Couple minutes later my three year old is all up in my business like she just pounded a 64oz Mt Dew. "Is it good morning time?!!!? Can you make me breakfast? I want toast with honey. NO! Toast with jelly. NO! Toast with peanut butter and jelly. Actually waffles. Yeah, waffles!" Efffffffffffffffffffffff. There is no way she is going back to sleep. Half throw the iPad at her and tell her to go watch a show. 

What seems like thirty seconds later but is probably thirty minutes if we are being truthful - all the kids are now up and fighting over the iPad. I can't decide if I need to buy one for each kid or just throw away the one we do have and call it good. The jury is still out on that one. 

I get my butt out of bed and head to the first thing on my list - sprinkle pancakes. They all race to pull chairs over to the kitchen counter because they want to "help". They fight over the blue chair. It is a blood bath as usual and ends with no one using the blue chair because they can't figure out who's turn it is. I have vowed to repaint that stupid kitchen chair for years so they'd stop fighting. It's still blue. I used to love the color blue. Now it makes me want to scream. 

By this point I have already yelled at them AND mumbled swear words under my breath about how much they bicker and how much I hate listening to it. Hmmmm welp, lost my cool. Exactly what I didn't want to do.. and its only 7am. This is kind of my routine everyday. I try so hard to wake up and be level headed and gentle with my kids. IT. IS. SO. HARD.  I 100% have anger issues passed down through genetics (okay, I don't know if that is possible but it makes me feel better to think just maybe I inherited it somehow) and it is really hard for me to not raise my voice during the day. I don't know if it ever accomplishes anything - but sometimes it makes me feel better to yell about crap. It isn't just my kids that I yell at. Usually its the workout app cheering me on to do more burpees, or the dinner being burned, or the STUPID ELECTRICAL OUTLET ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR THAT I STUB MY TOE ON EVERYDAY. 

I have a really hard time with the whole "calm" thing. I should probably take up yoga or some type of meditation. Or maybe just get a prescription for prozac. I don't know. I work hard on it everyday. I fail a lot. So much it seems, that I get really down on myself and start doubting my ability to be a mother to these precious, beautiful little girls. That is where my main squeeze steps in and slaps some sense into me. I am a good mother. Just because I raise my voice and get annoyed by my kids every day doesn't make me a bad parent. I love those babies. I love them with the most insane, consuming, outrageous love. My little family is my life. They are my world. I live and breathe for them. I am SO grateful that Heavenly Father designed the perfect plan for families and has given us the chance to be together forever. I could never face a life without them. I may not be the best at talking gently when I am frustrated. I may not tolerate a kitchen mess well when the kids "help" with cooking. I may scream into a pillow and crave time alone more often than other moms do ... but there is a lot of good that I do. I make those babies laugh on the daily. I dance with them any chance I get. I teach them. I pray with them. I share my testimony with them. I help them see right from wrong. I love them with my whole heart and work so hard everyday to do what the Lord has asked me to do so that we can be together as a forever family. It is the best and the hardest job in the entire world - and I feel so lucky to have it. 

I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs—Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island.

Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones.

Mothers, we acknowledge and esteem your faith in every footstep. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever. 

-Jeffrey R Holland

The Future Is As Bright As Your Faith!

Stressing about money? Kids? Housing? Jobs? Health? Relationships? Check. Check. Check... How many times can I check these boxes as yes?! Hundreds? Okay, great.


READERS! All two of you.

If you don't listen to anything else I say, please hear this and let it marinate. Stress is an ugly, consuming, exhausting and deadly force. Really. Apparently it can lead to a pretty serious increase in health risks. CARDIOVASCULAR CALAMITY, people!

I honestly feel like from ages 22 to 28 I have gone from this....

To this...

You probably think I am being dramatic. I promise you I am not. Pinky swear. Pregnancies, kids, money, trials, marriage (juuuuuuuuuuust kidding honey), moving, different callings, confusion about career paths, etc - have ROCKED my world. Moments have gone from excruciating to beautiful in a matter of seconds. I think that is the BEST part about being married and having babies and being stuck in a whirlwind of chaos. One day you feel like you can't survive, and then the next you are on top of the world! It helps me to build strength for the hard days, and then to recognize and appreciate my blessings on the good days. If we are being real here, my bad days out number my good.. but what else is to be expected?! I have four kids, ALL GIRLS, with completely different personalities. However they all have one maddening thing in common - DRAMA. All day everyday. Drama. Drama. Drama. It is exhausting.  I don't know if I could ever make it through a day without raising my voice or feeling stress of some kind.

We have had a crazy ride since day one. Money has never been in excess, which causes a lot of stress. Does abundance of money happen for some newly married couples? Instagram and Facebook says it does. Sooo it has to be true, right? I married an incredibly wonderful man who was blessed/cursed with an entrepreneurial brain. A "normal" nine to five lifestyle with a college degree was never in our cards. He withheld that little piece of information from me until AFTER we said "I do." We have changed jobs often, he's traveled quite a bit, and we still haven't been able to find the money to do what we want. He's been dreaming about starting a business for years, and we will get there someday... Sooooooooomedaaaaaaaay. That word is annoying. I feel like it is overused in our house a lot, which is something I want to work hard to change. 

"Someday when we have money, I want to buy a boat."

"Someday when we have money, we should always keep a supply of beef jerky."

"Someday when we have money, I am not going to use these 10 year old cartoon character dinner plates that we 'borrowed' from our parents' kitchen cabinets."

"Someday we will be debt free." (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) 

It is SO hard to live in the moment. People say "just live in the moment" - like its this easy thing to accomplish. Not getting angry at every crappy thing that happens, not obsessively focusing on the future, and not getting bothered by hand-me-downs isn't realistic. It is difficult! That doesn't make you snotty or materialistic or greedy. It is natural for humans to want more, to work for more. I think thats the best thing ever! There is nothing in the world that frustrates me more than when people get angry or jealous of others when they are successful. Nine times out of ten, they worked their butts off for it and totally deserve it. We all get dealt unfortunate hands once in a while. No one is immune to that. Even the people who are wiping their bums with hundred dollar bills have had their low moments.. Am I right?! Taylor Swift, are you reading this? You have lame days, right?

When we decided to move here from Arizona, I thought we had it all figured out. I had this idea in my head that coming to Utah would solve all of the problems that my husband was running into with finding sales reps. I mean, we were moving to the mormon college boy capital of the world. What better breeding grounds could there be for recruiting?! WRONG. Nothing that was happening in my day dreaming brain happened in real life. He had to go out of state for yet another five month stretch to work, which was the entire reason we left Arizona. We didn't want him gone for half the year anymore. BUZZ KILL. Luckily, we've loved living here and have cultivated some incredible friendships and memories that we will cherish forever. To this day though, it is still hard to accept that we moved here with what we thought was spiritual direction, and now feel like we haven't progressed much. We have more debt from moving expenses, taxes, etc. and I loathe debt. It is the worst. I want to blow it up and let it burn in a fiery hell pit. But that's life. Debt is a part of life. Maybe not debt from buying a thousand dollar hand bag.. but debt from moving or for a reliable vehicle is just the way it goes. I hope when I am in heaven, the plan that God had for us moving away from our family and AZ home (for however long we stay here), will be revealed to us. For now, I will just have to trust that it was for a good reason. 

I have had to realize (grudgingly) that progression isn't purely financial. That is only a small part. My testimony has grown and been strengthened since living here. My marriage is stronger. I have a newly discovered appreciation for the beauty the Lord created on this earth because Utah is outrageous. Countless times I have been overwhelmed by my surroundings since living here. I have become more outgoing. I am no longer a level ten hermit.. maybe more like a level five. I have learned to love serving others more. I have been to the temple more times while living here than I ever did before. Who knows, maybe the spark for this blog wouldn't have happened if we never left Arizona. I like to think these posts are relatable to someone out there reading them. 

My point is - we all need to try a little harder to exercise patience and not let the common stresses in our lives consume us. We will miss so many tender moments. The best times for me have been the ones that come quietly. They are never loud or lottery winning amazing. They are the ones when my kids bear hug each other and giggle for no specific reason. They are the moments when I catch my sweet husband looking at me in a way that makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. They are the ones when time literally seems to go in slow motion. You look around the kitchen table and every single person has a smile on their face and is enjoying dinner together as a family. THAT is what it is all about you guys. That is the beauty of life. Money will come and go. Jobs will come and go. When you focus your energy on the people you love and do what is asked of you by the Lord, everything else will fall into place. It may take one year, it may take twenty. 

Even if it does take years upon years - the real, raw, beautiful moments leading up to accomplishing your goals will be the best of your life. 

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.

The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

{Joseph B Wirthlin "Come What May and Love It"}