A Bit of Welcomed Clarity

My last post was pretty bummer, right?! I imagine most people didn't love reading it and the depressing tone might have not been the best thing to hear during the Christmas season. But guess what?! I don't write fake blog posts or pretend to be something I am not sooooooo THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!

On a lighter note today though - I have had a few "a-ha" moments since then and fortunately for all of us, this post will have a little more positivity to it.

The theme of most of my posts is about how awesome the gospel is and how incredibly great Christ is in my life. This post will follow suit. I truly cannot (and probably will not) ever be able to comprehend how people believe in the goodness and pure love of Christ and our Heavenly Father, and then abandon it on a whim. I see it all the time and it baffles me. I feel like one of those silly old ladies who just tells everyone "I will pray for you" in response to every single thing they hear. BUT IT IS SO ME and I am totally okay with it!! I have been focusing my prayers lately on others. I have thrown what little energy I have left at the end of the day into fine tuning my prayers into the will of the Lord rather than my own. It is SO hard.

I am still trying to navigate all these changes my family has been through. I truly have no idea why God wanted us in this area. It was very apparent that this was where we were supposed to be. I don't always get strong answers to prayers or even good feelings about things that I pray about.. I believe that free agency is one of the most important parts of this life and I know the Lord trusts me to make a good decision. This house and this neighborhood was one of those few times when I really did get a spiritual confirmation that we should be here. I didn't fall in love with the house. It doesn't feel like home at all.. I am sure it will get there eventually but right now its all foreign and kind of uncomfortable. Obviously I am thankful to have a roof over my head.. Please do not mistake my words for ungratefulness.  However, my mindset after feeling so good about moving in here and about how awesome it was going to be, kind of felt like this after we settled in ----- >

I feel like my kids are the only one who make a peep during sacrament meeting. We spilled an entire tupperware of cheerios last week and I am pretty sure the bishopric in the very front of the chapel heard every last one hit the floor! I figured that if the Lord wanted us here then there would be an abundance of kids on our street for my girls because that is the only blessing I PLEADED FOR. There had to be a forever friend for me who I just meshed with, you know? There just had to be a very apparent reason off the bat for why He led us in this direction. WELL, none of that has happened yet. I don't have any friends here. I think I have maybe talked to two women so far who are around my age (or any age) and have younger-ish kids. Actually maybe just one.. The other person I talked to said I was "just a baby". COME ON. I have been divorced once and am almost 29 now with four kids. I think that at least gives me a few extra years of wisdom to tack onto my resume. Will people ever stop saying how young I am? I don't feel young. I feel like a burnt out 100 year old granny. I am stiff when I get out of bed every morning. I can't get through a workout without a major caffeine boost.. I fall asleep by 10 o'clock every night and binge watching Netflix with some frozen yogurt feels like a hoppin' party to me. I AM OLD ENOUGH OKAY?!

My point is - I feel like I need to align my will with the will of God at this point. Instead of focusing so insanely on what is supposed to make ME happy by living here, maybe I need to focus on the other reasons why HE wants me here. Maybe I will have a church calling that influences someone's life in a positive way. Maybe I will meet a random neighbor who needs my service once in a while.. Although that seems unlikely since every time I see anyone outside they completely ignore me HAHA! Maybe there is some mom who will move into the neighborhood three years from now and be my BFF. OR MAYBE IT ISN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL! There are about a million or so different reasons why we were directed here by Heavenly Father. I need to be open and willing to understand those reasons and do what He needs me to do. It is way too easy to cloud up my heart and mind on a daily basis and completely miss the promptings and gentle nudges He gives me. I have made the choice to focus my energy on HIS will instead of my own. I pray that it brings a little more clarity and understanding to where my life is right now. People argue that "sometimes that is just the way life is.. there isn't always a reason for the things you go through". I call BS and I call it loud!! I believe wholeheartedly that every single day.. every single moment of my life is directed and given to me for a specific purpose. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know He is mindful of me. I know that He wants me to live with him again someday and He is teaching me everything I need to know to get there. Call me crazy if you want - but my conviction of the gospel is fierce, man!

There are good people everywhere. It might take a couple years to feel comfortable here and make lasting connections with people. In the big picture, a year or two is nothing. I can't sit around and wait for all of these blessings I long for to just plop into my lap. I have to do all I can first in order for the Lord to bless me and help with the things I need. It is really easy to think I deserve the world when I am following the commandments. That isn't really how it works.. and truthfully, that isn't ever how I want it to be. I want to know that I have done all I can to make my life as meaningful as I can. I want Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to accept me with open arms and be proud of who I am. I have MILES UPON MILES to go.. but that is the true beauty of it all, isn't it?!

"As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives." - Jeffrey R Holland 

Fa La La La La

IT IS DECEMBER! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

That is a depiction of what I wish I felt like right now. On a typical December, I am legitimately the happiest person on the planet. Christmas is a beautiful, wonderful, magical time and I soak up every second of it. I mean, a few weeks of the year when a majority of humans are selflessly kind ON PURPOSE?! You can't deny that being a beautiful thing. Am I right or am I right!? 

Right now I would give every possession I own, every luxury I enjoy - to feel even a spark of that happiness. 

I have always had a difficult time understanding depression. I was never able to sympathize well or have a solid amount of patience for people going through it. I don't think I was intentionally being harsh or ignorant about it, but I remember saying (often) to myself and my husband - "Why can't they just make the choice and be happy? Just snap out of it and put a smile on your face!"

*FACE PALM*

For the record, chanting "buck up and be happy" over and over does not work. I can say that with confidence. I will be the first to admit that I was entirely uneducated and really insensitive. I am fairly certain that the Lord is putting me through this trial to correct my prideful attitude and help me to understand depression and the support that is needed for people to get through it. 

I have had insane amounts of scary feelings since having Tess. I suppose it started out as postpartum depression but I feel like its sticking around too long to continue with that label. The flame went in and out for months after she was born. Some days I would feel like a super hero, and others I was in the depths of the lowest lows. The pond scum. I remember one week in particular where I really never left my room. I couldn't force myself out of bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone. If the door bell rang or I got a text, I felt as though I would rather drink a barf smoothie than answer it. The cloud seemed to lift for a bit, and then we got a quick and powerful answer to a prayer and decided to move back home to AZ. I wish it was easier to hold onto the good feeling from an answered prayer when things felt this dark. 

If there was ever a time in my life that I underestimated an outcome, it was then. I was completely naive about the heartache, pain and despair that I would feel after moving. I assume that squishing in with my parents for six weeks probably didn't help. I had moved back in with them after my divorce, then again three years later when we sold our house, and now I was back AGAIN. I am truly thankful that we had their home to live in all of those times, but that doesn't mean it was easy. Tess decided to stop napping, sleeping through the night, and smiling when we left Utah and really hasn't made any progress in a positive direction yet. Let me tell you right now, when you have three more kids to love and play with everyday and your baby is never giving you a second to breathe, it is a recipe for a hell fest. Juggling that with insane body image issues and fleeting self worth has proven to be too much. I pray quietly and shamefully for time to pass as fast as possible. This has been the most excruciating and emotionally draining year I have experienced. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

I know what some of you are thinking - fussy baby and a move to another state. "WHOOP DEE DOO!" Maybe you are right. I know there are people going through a lot of scary stuff that might tower mine in comparison. But you know what? This right now, this is scary for ME. The feelings I have everyday, the fight I put up with myself to get out of bed every morning and get through another day - it is terrifying.  The anxiety that consumes me every Sunday when I am supposed to go to church is unreal. I mean, yeah.. I have been nervous in the past to be in a new place. However, this is an entirely new kind of nervous.  It handicaps me to the point of giving up my opportunity to partake of the sacrament or feel the Spirit from a lesson because I am too emotionally out of it to go. The first two weeks after we had moved from my parents and into our new place, I left sacrament meeting a few minutes in because I couldn't stop crying. I don't typically cry like this. Maybe when I watch a good episode of Friday Night Lights for the fifth time - but not every single damn day of my life. Not one person said hello to me, or honestly even looked in my direction. There is maybe 1/4 the amount of kids that I am used to seeing in a ward. Until this afternoon, no one even stopped by my home. I haven't met anyone in the bishopric. When I moved to Utah, I had at least five neighbors at my door within a couple hours of pulling up. It is just different. Everything is so different. It has been so hard not to feel forgotten.

I get to this place in my mind where I feel like I have no one there for me. I have barely heard from my friends in Utah and for a while I was taking it really hard. I was hurt and frustrated and wondering why I was so upset about leaving people that obviously didn't care to send me a text once in a while to see how I was holding up.. I mean, my life was turned upside down in a matter of days and we barely even got to say decent goodbyes. I have realized though, that I can't let my mind or my heart go there. That was 100% Satan trying to drag down any last bit of light I had left... and he succeeded. Thankfully I was able to take a step back and realize that life is crazy for everyone. We are all so hyper focused on our own kids, marriage, lives, etc., that sometimes it feels impossible to think of anything else. I get that way too, and I needed to be more compassionate and understanding of others doing the same thing. I know they love me! Once I am in a better place mentally, I will be the one to connect and check in more often.. it is just a cycle. I think the hardest part was when you add in my kids coming to me in tears regularly about missing their home, friends, schools, ward, parks, grass, dirt, grocery stores, snow (and every other thing you could imagine) - my heart was just completely crushed to nothing. I have to remember that every negative feeling comes from Satan so he just needs to leave me and my family the hell alone. I am trying to figure that out. I am working so hard to recognize the feelings that sprout from the adversary. I fail miserably (almost daily), but I am still trying.

Truthfully, the only thing I have learned so far, is that I need to focus hard on my blessings. I need to say prayers full of gratitude. I have to take baby steps and just find one small moment of light in every one of my days. That is attainable. I have to believe that. I can find some smidgen of goodness - one second to smile. I am hoping it will create a snowball effect and result in more than one a day. Last night we were able to leave the baby with my sister and take the older kids to see the Zoo Lights. It was the best couple hours we have had since we moved home. The girls were so happy. You could see the true joy in their eyes the entire time we were there. They laughed, they smiled ... they got along SO WELL. I danced with them to the Christmas music in the middle of the pathway, crowded with people and just let go of everything. I let go of the pain. I let go of the hurt and the loneliness. For those few precious moments, I felt happiness. A weight was lifted from me and it is something I can't even explain. I truly believe that my Savior was there in that perfect moment to lift the crushing sadness that has consumed me for the last couple months. I needed that quiet clarity more than ever. I am so thankful to believe in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I cannot imagine going through what I am now without Them, and without the gospel. I am making short strides to a stronger, more peaceful heart - and for that I am eternally grateful. 

Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, ¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind. - Jeffrey R Holland

Cultivating Gratitude

I have been thinking for a few weeks what I could write about when I decided to get back on social media. I feel like my mind had a billion ideas and observations throughout the last few weeks but I couldn't hone in on one and really feel good about it.  I was hanging out with a good friend the other night and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. Gratitude! BAM! I have never felt more humbled and thankful for my life and the direction we are heading as a family.. I truly feel like I owe that entirely to my social media hiatus.

I know some people do not struggle with this, and I tip my hat to you. However, social media has a way of making me feel like I am not far enough in my life financially, educationally, physically, blah blah blah. Obviously I have some insecurities and the internet makes them 100x worse. It leaves me longing for things that truly DO NOT MATTER. That house with the decked out giant laundry room, I want it so bad. The buff chick wearing a tank top and showing off her gloriously toned, tan arms - I need to look like that. Weird, something else is breaking on my car.. Ooo look right next to me is a brand new sparkly Tahoe! I bet their brakes don't sound like a freaking metal grinding circus show. You get what I am saying? Are you picking up what I am putting down?!

I find that when my life is drowning in social media waste land, I start to care more about material possessions. I begin to get whiney and negative about where I am in my life. I become ungrateful, prideful and just plain icky. I do not like myself when I act like that. My husband and kids don't deserve to be surrounded by my crap attitude about my life, especially over a damn laundry room sink. Am I right?!

I think when we are in the thick of our trials, it is really easy to become ungrateful. We get so absorbed and flooded with the crap we are trying to navigate through, that we lose sight of how blessed we are. I am 100% guilty of doing this. It is a very difficult habit to break! However, it is one of those things that we all need to figure out. I do believe with my whole heart that the Lord cares what we care about. He is mindful of us and is understands our struggles.

One night after moving to Arizona, I sat up in my old teenager bedroom and just had a pity party. I couldn't believe I was back in my parents house AGAIN with my family. I was stuffed into an upstairs of a house with too many kids and not enough space. I was living out of a box, my kids were off their rockers, and my husband was ALWAYS TRAVELING. Every time I left the house and drove anywhere, I was flooded with negative memories of my past. The gas station, the grocery store, the park, the school, etc etc. All I could think about were all the years of my life that I so badly want to forget sometimes - and I was being suffocated by them every single day. I was so frustrated that my husband had to find a new job and that it had to include traveling. It was just so hard to process all the decisions we had made the last couple years and try to find any positive outcomes from them. We had found a house, but it didn't have everything I wanted. Plus, the walls were tan. I am so sick of tan. I was boo-hooing over PAINT COLOR PEOPLE. I was so distraught and upset because I didn't have an extra $1600 to pay someone to come paint the entire interior of my home another color.

LIIIIIIIIIIKE, GIVE ME A BREAK RIGHT?!

I went to bed that night pissed off and feeling super sorry for myself. Of course I slept crappy and woke up angry. I snapped at my kids the second they walked in my room to say good morning, and thats when I knew that something had to seriously change. Since then, I have been brought to my knees and humbled over and over with prayers of gratitude. I have made a conscious effort to load my prayers with everything I am thankful for. I have made it a point to thank my kids and my husband for things I normally wouldn't. I have prayed in gratitude for the smallest itsy bitsy things that I usually take for granted. Let me tell you, my entire world has changed. I am overwhelmed with love from my Heavenly Father everyday. I have been able to recognize the Spirit more in my life and be able to discern what is a good way to spend my time and what isn't. I realized that I heard the phrase "MOM! LOOK! LOOK AT ME!" about 1000x less the last few weeks because I am not glued to my phone all day. My kids are happier! Truly! It was a really good time to shut off the social media. I remember logging onto Facebook to sell a few things on a yard sale site, and OF COURSE the first thing that pops up in my news feed is some drama about the church and all these people up in arms about baptism policies. HOLY MOLY PEOPLE. Get a grip. If you even for one second dropped to your knees and sincerely prayed for help to understand the things the church does - you wouldn't be feeling so confused and angry. Stop turning to social media outlets for answers to your questions. Stop being sucked into the nasty, hateful quicksand on the internet. I have had to pray so hard for love and compassion towards people lately. I am so tired of hearing about the Apostles (who I love and respect with all of my heart and soul) being trashed on the internet. Especially by people I am close to. Pretty much I just hate Facebook and wish it would die off like MySpace did. But that is a conversation for another day that I will probably never publish because I get way too worked up. My palms are already sweating and my heart is racing. The church is true, my testimony is solid and that isn't changing. I just wish people would try a little harder to stick with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ when times get tough. Everything you are and everything you have is given to you by a loving and compassionate Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. Giving them the benefit of the doubt when you don't entirely understand something at first, is the LEAST you can do.

The take away - if you are ever feeling like things are off in your life, try to stay off social media for a while. You don't have to be an extreme psycho like me and try to go 30 days.. but even a day or two. Reset your mind and pray a little extra. Cultivate gratitude! Tell people thank you for all of the little things you never think about or recognize when you are distracted. I can guarantee you that the result will be a little like this ...

Experiment in Personal Growth

I made a personal committment to something that is going to probably be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Is the suspense built?! Are you just D-Y-I-N-G to hear what I am planning to do?!

I AM GOING TO ABSTAIN FROM ALL AVENUES OF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR THIRTY DAYS.

I know Joey, I know. 

Since the dawn of time (dramatic), there have been articles floating around Facebook arguing whether or not it is okay for moms to spend chunks of time on their phones instead of engaging in their children. While I see and understand both sides to this - I am pretty torn as far as my opinion goes. Yes, I ignore my children and look at Instagram while they are showing me the song on their annoying singing Barbie (that I secretly want to light on fire and throw in the Bermuda triangle) FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME in the last hour. I am completely guilty of this and I will not deny it. Will my half engaged facial expressions and lack of enthusiasm about the Barbie crush my child's spirit and send them into a downward spiral at age three?! Highly doubt it.

That being said, I spend WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much time scrolling through social media. I have deactivated my Facebook a couple times. I have deleted the apps off of my phone more times than I can count, yet they always make their way back on somehow. (Usually the same day they are deleted) It is not comfortable to admit this - but social media makes me insanely insecure. It is at the root of my body dysmorphia, my insecurities in motherhood, my personal weaknesses in my faith, etc. I do believe that people normally show their "highlight reel" as President Utchdorf called it on their social media accounts. I know that I am guilty of it. As a busy mom, when you get all your kids AND yourself ready one day a week month, you like to document it! I get it! Who sits there and takes pictures of the nitty gritty, everyday BS that you deal with?

-OH, my baby is screaming for the BAJILLIONTH time today! How cute! I should take a picture of this so I can remember it everyday for the REST OF MY LIFE!

- AWWW, my kids are ripping each others hair out AGAIN! They are so sweet, this deserves a Instagram shout out. 

- OH LOOK, I made peanut butter and jelly for dinner for the sixth day in a row since my husband is out of town and I don't have an ounce of patience left in me to fight over broccoli consumption again. I bet all my followers want this super in depth recipe, I should post it! 

You get what I am saying?! We are all guilty of posting the highlight reel. Sometimes it is nice to forget all the crap you've gone through that day and only focus on the excruciatingly brief moment of happiness. Because this happens for me more than I care to admit. A lot of my days lately go like this - sucky, sucky, sucky, OOOOOO my kids are cute I love them, sucky, sucky sucky. Then when my kids are all in bed, I exhale a GIANT sigh of relief and immediately grab my phone and turn to social media. Bad idea, coach. 

-Oh, that mom I don't even know made an elaborate all natural dinner and her kids ate it with a smile! 

-Look, this super tan buff chick with perfect hair is telling me that my baby being up all night for the fifth day in a row IS NO EXCUSE for missing my workout today! I should have been up at 4am doing my 1000th burpee. Man, I suck at life! 

-Wow, another anti-mormon article or rant was posted or liked by a friend on Facebook. Maybe I should read it? It can't hurt. (Trust me, it most certainly can)

-Hey, a complete stranger is building a gorgeous mansion and driving a fifty thousand dollar Tahoe at age 25. I need to hustle on this rat race and get on it! I am at least three years behind schedule!

***** OH HI SATAN, you are here again to torment me and make me feel like I am not enough. I didn't feel this way the last two hours when I was spending time with my kids and off of my phone. I know this isn't the case for everyone. I personally couldn't care less about having a brand new car or a giant house. Those things don't drive me to insanity. I just want a house that fits my family and to be free from stressing month to month about paying bills. I don't feel like I long for much, so it makes me angry that I am not there yet. But that is a problem within itself. I am 28, I don't need to be financially stable and probably won't be for years longer. That anger needs to be let go and FAST. I am blessed beyond measure. I know that some people genuinely do not compare themselves to others and are completely happy in their own skin. To those magical unicorns, I salute you. I strive to be like you, and I know I will get there someday. For that to happen though, I need to seriously cut back on the time I spend on social media. I suffer, my marriage suffers, my kids suffer - all because my insecurities are being fueled by the excessive time I spend scrolling through my phone throughout the day. 

That is why I am taking a social media fast. That is why I am making a commitment to myself to live in the real world and focus on my actual relationships with the people I love. It is going to be crazy hard. I don't doubt that for a second. I will be tempted over and over to use the soul sucking outlets, but if I declare my journey out loud and have people know my plans - its way easier to stick to it. I am sincerely excited to see what changes, to see how I feel and how differently I treat my people. I am praying for an increase in patience, compassion, and love for myself, my kids, and the strangers I come in contact with everyday! Wish me luck, November will be a whole new experience for me! If any of you are brave enough to try it, let me know! We can form a support group and MAYBE EVEN CALL EACH OTHER and talk on the phone like people did in 1995. 

"The Internet provides many opportunities for learning. However, Satan wants us to be miserable, and he distorts the real purpose of things. He uses this great tool to promote doubt and fear and to destroy faith and hope.

With so much available on the Internet, we must carefully consider where to apply our efforts. Satan can keep us busy, distracted, and infected by sifting through information, much of which can be pure garbage.

One should not roam through garbage." - Marcos A Aidukaitis

A "good" church day ...

You know those rare Sundays where every single meeting hour is just the best time ever?! It hardly ever happens for me - especially having four kids who pretty much make it their mission to drive me more insane than they ever have while I am desperately trying to feel the Spirit. 

Well, today my baby stayed home with Grandma and I was able to attend my last two meetings without any of my kids. It was truly blissful. Every lesson was on point and was exactly what I was dying to hear.  I just felt the whole time that I had to get home and take some time to write a post and pass on the incredible lessons I was taught today, and the lasting impression those words had on my heart. 

The first lesson was on faith. Jesus Christ is the author and finisher of our faith. The title of the lesson alone brought such peace and love to my soul. He really is. Our faith starts and ends with Him. A question that was asked to the group during the lesson was "why do we keep the commandments?" Most answers were because of obedience. Some people said out of love for God. The part that usually frustrates me when this question is asked, is that people constantly say how hard it is to follow the commandments. How hard it is that we are held to such a high standard in our lives. That it would be a lot easier to not follow them. Keep an open mind with my take on this...

I 100% (with every fiber of my being) passionately disagree. I wish that I could take a few years of my life that were gut wrenching and unbearable and put them into a movie for people to view whenever they are feeling like following the commandments is too hard. I PROMISE YOU - not following them is excruciatingly harder.  Yes, we are awesome for being able to follow so many "rules" and hold ourselves to high standards.. But the blessings and conversions in Christ that come from following them ARE WAY MORE AWESOME. It took a long time, but I am finally in a place where following commandments feels easy to me. I know what you are thinking.. EASY?! Are you crazy?! Yes, a little. Here is how my logic works -

Following commandments brings blessings. Blessings make life more joyful. A joyful life is what we all seek to possess. Once you have that machine going and all the parts are working together to create this outcome - then following the commandments IS the easier choice. It IS the easier path. Once you have tasted of that pure joy and pure conversion to the gospel, holding yourself to the high standards the church sets for you feels less and less difficult. It is actually (dare I say) exciting?! I am totally geeking out right now, I know. I just lived a long time without the gospel. Not following the commandments has zero appeal to me, and I am SO grateful for the experiences that have led me to my solid faith in keeping them. I challenge you to try and view your obedience to the commandments as an easier choice. I know that the church expects a lot of its members. You put a lot of time and a lot of energy into service, and it is at times difficult. Multiple callings, kids in different programs, visiting teaching, home teaching.. I have known a few people in the last couple years who have left the church for this very reason and it breaks my heart. If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are feeling like you are stretched too thin - talk to someone. I promise you that your bishop would much rather you took a step back from callings and focused on strengthening your own testimony for a while - rather than throwing in the towel and leaving all together because it seems like the easier choice.  There is so much goodness in store for you if you just keep pushing forward and having faith. Faith in Jesus Christ is the basis of every principle of the gospel, and sometimes it is one of the hardest to figure out. Keep trying!

The second lesson today was on pride. Pride is a B. So hard to keep pride at bay. It has such a wide reach and manifests itself in so many ways. I remember pulling my patriarchal blessing out sometime in the last year and reading "beware of pride in your life". ME? PRIDEFUL?! What was this guy thinking? He must have been confused about who he was blessing. I am not prideful!

 HA HA! BAM. Yes I am. The fact that I was offended by my patriarchal blessing was my first clue.  Humility is the only antidote for pride. There were some quotes in class today that really made an impression on me. 

“Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done."

"The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge, their abilities versus God’s priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works."

"Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s."

How many times in my life have I gotten upset or angry with Heavenly Father for not agreeing with me or giving me the outcome I want?! SO MANY! I was convinced that I knew what was best for me. I knew what was best for my husband and my kids. NOT TRUE. I would say as a mother and wife, I am pretty in tune with my family's needs.. right?! Well, Heavenly Father is in tune with them on a whole different level that I will never understand. 

There are going to times where we have no idea what the heck the Lord has in store for us. There will be times where we are in the lowest low of our trials, wondering where Heavenly Father is and why He has left us. I promise you, He has not left you. If He leads you in a direction that you don't like - press forward anyway. Have faith that He will bring you through it and you will see why it was necessary. It is pretty easy to forget the blessings and the good things in your life when you are in the thick of tribulation. The only thing I have ever done that has brought me peace in those awful moments is drop to my knees and say a prayer that only consists of gratitude. Pray as long and as often as you need to, and only about the things you are thankful for. Over time you will start to see things in a positive light again. The suffering will pass or the burden will become lighter. You will not be in this tormenting test for the rest of your life. Ups and downs are inevitable - but staying on the side of humility rather than pride, will bring you through it successfully every single time.  

I think sometimes of what life would be like if we all possessed greater humility.

Imagine a world in which we would replace I as the dominant pronoun.

Think of the impact on the pursuit of knowledge if being learned without being arrogant were the norm.

Consider the climate that would exist within a marriage or family—or any organization, for that matter—if through genuine humility mistakes were freely admitted and forgiven, if we were not afraid to praise others for fear they might gain on us, and if all were able to listen as well as we now verbalize.

Contemplate the advantages of life in a society in which considerations of status were only secondary, where citizens were more concerned with their responsibilities than their rights.  -Marlin K Jensen 

Jesus Savior Pilot Me

Jesus, Savior, pilot me

Over life's tempestuous sea;

Unknown waves before me roll,

Hiding rock and treach'rous shoal.

Chart and compass came from thee;

Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,

And the fearful breakers roar

'Twixt me and the peaceful rest,

Then, while leaning on thy breast,

May I hear thee say to me,

"Fear not; I will pilot thee."

As a mother stills her child,

Thou canst hush the ocean wild;

Boist'rous waves obey thy will

When thou say'st to them, "Be still!"

Wondrous Sov'reign of the sea,

Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

This hymn. I LOVE IT. I don't hear it sung at church often, and I wish it was. It brings the spirit so strongly into my heart every time I hear it or think of the words. Jesus, Savior, pilot me. What better attitude could you possibly have?

I have learned a lot about myself over the last couple weeks. I do not (read with heavy emphasis on the not) handle quick changes or stress well. I am definitely not a "go with the flow" type of personality. My husband is, and I try so hard to let it rub off on me. So far it has not been successful. Probably never will. I like to know what is coming. I like to have a handle on my life and our direction. That being said, making the choice to move to AZ and completing it within a two or three week period was enough to send me into a spiral of insanity. Top that with a new job that has my husband traveling again and it has been a recipe for crazy. I have never dealt with any serious or scary feelings of depression or anxiety on this level before. It has been truly on of the most difficult periods of time that I have experienced in quite a while. 

I am always hesitant to share my feelings on this blog - mostly because I feel like a lot of people compare trials and get offended or frustrated when someone says they are having a hard time with a less complex hardship such as a move. I understand fully that there are people in the world dealing with hunger, death, sickness, serious mental illness, etc - I pray for them and my heart aches for them. Sometimes I feel like I am being a baby or blowing my own struggles out of proportion when I stand myself next to these people. I have gained a testimony this past week that this kind of thing is really just silly. Everyone is faced and burdened with things that are hard for THEM. Each person is tried and tested in an individual way that will help THEIR weaknesses become strengths. Because you cry for three days over losing ANOTHER house in a bidding war - it doesn't make you a whiner. We all are programmed to think that we have to be so bad ass all the time. We don't. Yes, we have to be strong. Yes, we need to be resilient. Yes, we need to be able to bounce back and deal. However, there is a beautiful strength born within us after breaking down. Being upset over something that another person may see as trivial, should not belittle your strength. It doesn't make you a complainer. It doesn't make you weak. It is just another puzzle piece in your journey. We need every single puzzle piece. They are essential to our eternal salvation.

We have had a really hard time finding a place to live in AZ. The process started over three weeks ago with our realtor and it has just been a bust. He has worked so hard for us, and nothing has stuck. We have gotten our hopes up and started imagining our life in a home and then we get bid out. The market in AZ is crazy, and its been a huge trial for our family. When our house sold so quickly in UT, it confirmed our decision and helped us to feel like we had received and understood personal revelation for our family. Arriving here and having such a roller coaster emotional experience over and over to find a new home, caused us to second guess our choice. That is such a crappy feeling. There is no eloquent way for me to describe it. When you feel good about something and then the adversary puts doubt in your heart - its icky.  Dealing with repeating disappointment and uncertainty has been trying. We have finally been able to feel comfort and peace through lots and lots (AND LOTS) of prayer. The Lord will help us find a home where HE wants us to be. I really had to just turn complete control over to Him, and trust that He would get us where we need to go. He will help us find a home in a place where He needs us. A place that we can serve and positively influence the lives of those around us. A place where our kids can be happy, and find lasting friendships that will carry them through their own trying times. I have to believe that. It is the only thing that brings me peace. 

As great as it would be to not live out of boxes in my parents home, I am so grateful to have a roof over our heads. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to look for a home. There is nothing that brings me more joy than being together as a family - whether its in our own house or squished in a couple bedrooms at Grandma and Grandpa's. We are blessed beyond measure. It is so easy to lose sight of our blessings when we are feeling crushed by adversity. It is so important for us to fall to our knees each day and ask the Lord for help to see the good, especially when we seem to be bombarded only by the bad. There is always light in the darkness. Always.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air. Faith does not fall upon us by chance or stay with us by birthright. It is, as the scriptures say, “substance … , the evidence of things not seen.”⁵ Faith emits a spiritual light, and that light is discernible.⁶ Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe⁷ and as we seek it and hold on to it. Your faith is either growing stronger or becoming weaker. Faith is a principle of power, important not only in this life but also in our progression beyond the veil.⁸ By the grace of Christ, we will one day be saved through faith on His name.⁹ The future of your faith is not by chance, but by choice.

Neil A Andersen

Progress is impossible without change!

Friends.

My heart is broken. Really. I feel like someone ripped it right out of my chest, threw it on the ground with lethal force and then did a burn out on it with the biggest monster truck you've ever seen. Big changes ROCK my world.. and not in the good way.

When we prayerfully decided to leave Arizona two years ago and come to Utah, I was a wreck. I was terrified to go somewhere new. I didn't want to learn how to make my own clothes. I didn't want to learn how to can my own fruit or coupon. I like buying my groceries already canned from the store even if it costs me five more cents. I truthfully didn't want to be in a densely populated LDS community. It freaked me out! No one I talked to had anything positive to say about Utah, the people, or the culture. I pretty much came into this situation with every single part of me closed off, ready to sit in my house everyday and ignore any alien knocks at the door. I was conditioned to believe that the people here were WHACK and that I would be miserable.

Fast forward to two years later - my husband is going to have to pry my fingers from the door and drag me out kicking and screaming.

This has been the best two years of our family's life. My marriage is in the best shape its ever been, my kids are happy, I AM HAPPY. That is a huge deal. Despite the chaos and trying moments of motherhood, juggling the love for four children and keeping them alive - we are in such a good place. My kids love their friends, they love their schools, they love being out in Utah wonderland. This is such a beautiful place to raise a family. Appreciating the earth and God's creations is effortless here. The best part - I have some solid friends who genuinely love my kids. That is so hard to find. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I feel loved by people I have only known a short time, who have been willing to invest in getting to know me and my kids. It has been truly incredible. There have been a lot of people who have impacted my life in a positive way. I hope I have done the same, even for just one person. Besides, no one has even asked if I want to learn how to make my own clothes, so that was a total lie.

To say it has been a roller coaster of emotions over here lately is being insanely modest. The prayerful decision to go back home was answered QUICK, which I am not used to. We spent three days from Saturday-Monday, dawn til dusk, getting the house ready for the market. We had the realtor over Monday, pictures taken Tuesday, and listed Wednesday. Then my husband left on a business trip for ten days. A word of wisdom to my handful of readers, DO NOT EVER IN YOUR LIFE try to sell a house without your husband around. I had to handle all of the showings by myself which is no easy feat with four kids. I vacuumed about six times a day for three days. I was a crazy person who was losing it if I saw a cheerio fall to the floor. My kids and I were both miserable. THANKFULLY that madness barely lasted 72 hours. We had three offers by Friday evening and were under contract by Saturday. One week. Making the decision to move, getting the house ready, and being under contract all in SEVEN DAYS. It was a nightmare, but a huge blessing to me personally. If we were able to sell our house this quickly, I knew that the answer I received from my many prayers was the right one. Heavenly Father's hand truly was here in our life at this crazy moment - helping us do His will. For whatever reason, He wants us back in Arizona. I have no idea why. It is so hard to have a good attitude about following the Lord's plan for you when you don't like it! It is impossible to understand the heartache sometimes. That is where faith comes in. So many things in life rely heavily on faith. It is a lesson I keep learning over and over. Faith in God is HUGE. Letting go of the reigns and letting Him guide your life is really, really difficult - but has proven to me time and again, that it is always for a worthy reason. Progress is basically the foundation of everything in life and the goal we all strive for. I have to trust that the Lord is taking us back because He has good things in store for us. There will be about  a million hard things, but I have to believe there will be happy moments as well.

Change is a bit "you know what." It can be gut wrenching. It can be terrifying. It can break your heart into a thousand pieces. It can also be wonderful. I have living proof of that. Coming to Utah started out as the most atrocious change I could imagine, and turned into the best thing to happen to our family. I am overwhelmed with tears of gratitude any time I think about the journey and growth we have had here. I will cherish these two years above any and hold them in a special place in my heart.


How often in life do we set our own roots into the soil of life and become root bound? We may treat ourselves too gently and defy anyone to disturb the soil or trim back our root system. Under these conditions we too must struggle to make progress. Oh, change is hard! Change can be rough.

There is nothing so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself. The things we see, touch, and feel are always changing. Relationships between friends, husband and wife, father and son, brother and sister are all dynamic, changing relationships. There is a constant that allows us to use change for our own good, and that constant is the revealed eternal truths of our Heavenly Father.

C. S. Lewis indicated there is often pain in change when he wrote of God’s expectations for His children: “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace” (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, New York: MacMillan Co., 1960, p. 160).

Yes, there is pain in change, but there is also great satisfaction in recognizing that progress is being achieved. Life is a series of hills and valleys and often the best growth comes in the valleys. 

-Marvin J Ashton

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.

The concept of eternal families has me like "whoa"

 I am overwhelmed with awe and gratitude. My heart could burst at the thought of being with my people for eternity. If I keep working my tail off to go uphill in life and do what the Lord has asked me to do, this truth can be mine. It just blows my mind. I can't really find the words to best suit my feelings on the subject! No phrase seems good enough.


Now let us get a little real here. Are you ready?

MY. KIDS. DRIVE. ME. INSANE.

Sidebar - Why do all the extra periods seems to help convey my serious tone?! Mystery.

Really though, straight up crazy town.

I will kneel down lay down half asleep for my prayers before bed and get real with Heavenly Father about the bajillion times I lost my temper that day and ask sincerely for forgiveness and help to be better the next day. I promise myself I will wake up pumped and ready to just ROCK the mom thing. I go over in my brain about all the super fun things I can do that I know they will love. Sprinkle pancakes for breakfast, fun shaped foods in their lunches, skipping a day of bed making, staying in jammies til noon, watching two movies in a row - you know, super exciting stuff for little nuggets. I make a pact with myself to not lose my cool.. to keep my voice calm and to shower them with lots of hugs and kisses. I think to myself that I am probably dreaming a little too big at this point to include that many "fun" activities in their day but I go for it. 

{Fast forward to the next morning}

Its 5AM and I hear the baby girl scream-crying on the monitor. Dammit! She slept til 7AM the past three days. Why the flip is she up at 5? Keep a smile on, you got this. Go feed her a bottle and lay her back down. Fifteen minutes later, she's crying again. Go grab her, put her in her exersaucer and turn on a Baby Einstein. (Don't judge me) 

Lay my tired bum back down around 5:45. 

Couple minutes later my three year old is all up in my business like she just pounded a 64oz Mt Dew. "Is it good morning time?!!!? Can you make me breakfast? I want toast with honey. NO! Toast with jelly. NO! Toast with peanut butter and jelly. Actually waffles. Yeah, waffles!" Efffffffffffffffffffffff. There is no way she is going back to sleep. Half throw the iPad at her and tell her to go watch a show. 

What seems like thirty seconds later but is probably thirty minutes if we are being truthful - all the kids are now up and fighting over the iPad. I can't decide if I need to buy one for each kid or just throw away the one we do have and call it good. The jury is still out on that one. 

I get my butt out of bed and head to the first thing on my list - sprinkle pancakes. They all race to pull chairs over to the kitchen counter because they want to "help". They fight over the blue chair. It is a blood bath as usual and ends with no one using the blue chair because they can't figure out who's turn it is. I have vowed to repaint that stupid kitchen chair for years so they'd stop fighting. It's still blue. I used to love the color blue. Now it makes me want to scream. 

By this point I have already yelled at them AND mumbled swear words under my breath about how much they bicker and how much I hate listening to it. Hmmmm welp, lost my cool. Exactly what I didn't want to do.. and its only 7am. This is kind of my routine everyday. I try so hard to wake up and be level headed and gentle with my kids. IT. IS. SO. HARD.  I 100% have anger issues passed down through genetics (okay, I don't know if that is possible but it makes me feel better to think just maybe I inherited it somehow) and it is really hard for me to not raise my voice during the day. I don't know if it ever accomplishes anything - but sometimes it makes me feel better to yell about crap. It isn't just my kids that I yell at. Usually its the workout app cheering me on to do more burpees, or the dinner being burned, or the STUPID ELECTRICAL OUTLET ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR THAT I STUB MY TOE ON EVERYDAY. 

I have a really hard time with the whole "calm" thing. I should probably take up yoga or some type of meditation. Or maybe just get a prescription for prozac. I don't know. I work hard on it everyday. I fail a lot. So much it seems, that I get really down on myself and start doubting my ability to be a mother to these precious, beautiful little girls. That is where my main squeeze steps in and slaps some sense into me. I am a good mother. Just because I raise my voice and get annoyed by my kids every day doesn't make me a bad parent. I love those babies. I love them with the most insane, consuming, outrageous love. My little family is my life. They are my world. I live and breathe for them. I am SO grateful that Heavenly Father designed the perfect plan for families and has given us the chance to be together forever. I could never face a life without them. I may not be the best at talking gently when I am frustrated. I may not tolerate a kitchen mess well when the kids "help" with cooking. I may scream into a pillow and crave time alone more often than other moms do ... but there is a lot of good that I do. I make those babies laugh on the daily. I dance with them any chance I get. I teach them. I pray with them. I share my testimony with them. I help them see right from wrong. I love them with my whole heart and work so hard everyday to do what the Lord has asked me to do so that we can be together as a forever family. It is the best and the hardest job in the entire world - and I feel so lucky to have it. 

I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs—Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island.

Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones.

Mothers, we acknowledge and esteem your faith in every footstep. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever. 

-Jeffrey R Holland

The Future Is As Bright As Your Faith!

Stressing about money? Kids? Housing? Jobs? Health? Relationships? Check. Check. Check... How many times can I check these boxes as yes?! Hundreds? Okay, great.


READERS! All two of you.

If you don't listen to anything else I say, please hear this and let it marinate. Stress is an ugly, consuming, exhausting and deadly force. Really. Apparently it can lead to a pretty serious increase in health risks. CARDIOVASCULAR CALAMITY, people!

I honestly feel like from ages 22 to 28 I have gone from this....

To this...

You probably think I am being dramatic. I promise you I am not. Pinky swear. Pregnancies, kids, money, trials, marriage (juuuuuuuuuuust kidding honey), moving, different callings, confusion about career paths, etc - have ROCKED my world. Moments have gone from excruciating to beautiful in a matter of seconds. I think that is the BEST part about being married and having babies and being stuck in a whirlwind of chaos. One day you feel like you can't survive, and then the next you are on top of the world! It helps me to build strength for the hard days, and then to recognize and appreciate my blessings on the good days. If we are being real here, my bad days out number my good.. but what else is to be expected?! I have four kids, ALL GIRLS, with completely different personalities. However they all have one maddening thing in common - DRAMA. All day everyday. Drama. Drama. Drama. It is exhausting.  I don't know if I could ever make it through a day without raising my voice or feeling stress of some kind.

We have had a crazy ride since day one. Money has never been in excess, which causes a lot of stress. Does abundance of money happen for some newly married couples? Instagram and Facebook says it does. Sooo it has to be true, right? I married an incredibly wonderful man who was blessed/cursed with an entrepreneurial brain. A "normal" nine to five lifestyle with a college degree was never in our cards. He withheld that little piece of information from me until AFTER we said "I do." We have changed jobs often, he's traveled quite a bit, and we still haven't been able to find the money to do what we want. He's been dreaming about starting a business for years, and we will get there someday... Sooooooooomedaaaaaaaay. That word is annoying. I feel like it is overused in our house a lot, which is something I want to work hard to change. 

"Someday when we have money, I want to buy a boat."

"Someday when we have money, we should always keep a supply of beef jerky."

"Someday when we have money, I am not going to use these 10 year old cartoon character dinner plates that we 'borrowed' from our parents' kitchen cabinets."

"Someday we will be debt free." (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) 

It is SO hard to live in the moment. People say "just live in the moment" - like its this easy thing to accomplish. Not getting angry at every crappy thing that happens, not obsessively focusing on the future, and not getting bothered by hand-me-downs isn't realistic. It is difficult! That doesn't make you snotty or materialistic or greedy. It is natural for humans to want more, to work for more. I think thats the best thing ever! There is nothing in the world that frustrates me more than when people get angry or jealous of others when they are successful. Nine times out of ten, they worked their butts off for it and totally deserve it. We all get dealt unfortunate hands once in a while. No one is immune to that. Even the people who are wiping their bums with hundred dollar bills have had their low moments.. Am I right?! Taylor Swift, are you reading this? You have lame days, right?

When we decided to move here from Arizona, I thought we had it all figured out. I had this idea in my head that coming to Utah would solve all of the problems that my husband was running into with finding sales reps. I mean, we were moving to the mormon college boy capital of the world. What better breeding grounds could there be for recruiting?! WRONG. Nothing that was happening in my day dreaming brain happened in real life. He had to go out of state for yet another five month stretch to work, which was the entire reason we left Arizona. We didn't want him gone for half the year anymore. BUZZ KILL. Luckily, we've loved living here and have cultivated some incredible friendships and memories that we will cherish forever. To this day though, it is still hard to accept that we moved here with what we thought was spiritual direction, and now feel like we haven't progressed much. We have more debt from moving expenses, taxes, etc. and I loathe debt. It is the worst. I want to blow it up and let it burn in a fiery hell pit. But that's life. Debt is a part of life. Maybe not debt from buying a thousand dollar hand bag.. but debt from moving or for a reliable vehicle is just the way it goes. I hope when I am in heaven, the plan that God had for us moving away from our family and AZ home (for however long we stay here), will be revealed to us. For now, I will just have to trust that it was for a good reason. 

I have had to realize (grudgingly) that progression isn't purely financial. That is only a small part. My testimony has grown and been strengthened since living here. My marriage is stronger. I have a newly discovered appreciation for the beauty the Lord created on this earth because Utah is outrageous. Countless times I have been overwhelmed by my surroundings since living here. I have become more outgoing. I am no longer a level ten hermit.. maybe more like a level five. I have learned to love serving others more. I have been to the temple more times while living here than I ever did before. Who knows, maybe the spark for this blog wouldn't have happened if we never left Arizona. I like to think these posts are relatable to someone out there reading them. 

My point is - we all need to try a little harder to exercise patience and not let the common stresses in our lives consume us. We will miss so many tender moments. The best times for me have been the ones that come quietly. They are never loud or lottery winning amazing. They are the ones when my kids bear hug each other and giggle for no specific reason. They are the moments when I catch my sweet husband looking at me in a way that makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. They are the ones when time literally seems to go in slow motion. You look around the kitchen table and every single person has a smile on their face and is enjoying dinner together as a family. THAT is what it is all about you guys. That is the beauty of life. Money will come and go. Jobs will come and go. When you focus your energy on the people you love and do what is asked of you by the Lord, everything else will fall into place. It may take one year, it may take twenty. 

Even if it does take years upon years - the real, raw, beautiful moments leading up to accomplishing your goals will be the best of your life. 

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.

The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

{Joseph B Wirthlin "Come What May and Love It"}