My heart is broken. Really. I feel like someone ripped it right out of my chest, threw it on the ground with lethal force and then did a burn out on it with the biggest monster truck you've ever seen. Big changes ROCK my world.. and not in the good way.
When we prayerfully decided to leave Arizona two years ago and come to Utah, I was a wreck. I was terrified to go somewhere new. I didn't want to learn how to make my own clothes. I didn't want to learn how to can my own fruit or coupon. I like buying my groceries already canned from the store even if it costs me five more cents. I truthfully didn't want to be in a densely populated LDS community. It freaked me out! No one I talked to had anything positive to say about Utah, the people, or the culture. I pretty much came into this situation with every single part of me closed off, ready to sit in my house everyday and ignore any alien knocks at the door. I was conditioned to believe that the people here were WHACK and that I would be miserable.
Fast forward to two years later - my husband is going to have to pry my fingers from the door and drag me out kicking and screaming.
This has been the best two years of our family's life. My marriage is in the best shape its ever been, my kids are happy, I AM HAPPY. That is a huge deal. Despite the chaos and trying moments of motherhood, juggling the love for four children and keeping them alive - we are in such a good place. My kids love their friends, they love their schools, they love being out in Utah wonderland. This is such a beautiful place to raise a family. Appreciating the earth and God's creations is effortless here. The best part - I have some solid friends who genuinely love my kids. That is so hard to find. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I feel loved by people I have only known a short time, who have been willing to invest in getting to know me and my kids. It has been truly incredible. There have been a lot of people who have impacted my life in a positive way. I hope I have done the same, even for just one person. Besides, no one has even asked if I want to learn how to make my own clothes, so that was a total lie.
To say it has been a roller coaster of emotions over here lately is being insanely modest. The prayerful decision to go back home was answered QUICK, which I am not used to. We spent three days from Saturday-Monday, dawn til dusk, getting the house ready for the market. We had the realtor over Monday, pictures taken Tuesday, and listed Wednesday. Then my husband left on a business trip for ten days. A word of wisdom to my handful of readers, DO NOT EVER IN YOUR LIFE try to sell a house without your husband around. I had to handle all of the showings by myself which is no easy feat with four kids. I vacuumed about six times a day for three days. I was a crazy person who was losing it if I saw a cheerio fall to the floor. My kids and I were both miserable. THANKFULLY that madness barely lasted 72 hours. We had three offers by Friday evening and were under contract by Saturday. One week. Making the decision to move, getting the house ready, and being under contract all in SEVEN DAYS. It was a nightmare, but a huge blessing to me personally. If we were able to sell our house this quickly, I knew that the answer I received from my many prayers was the right one. Heavenly Father's hand truly was here in our life at this crazy moment - helping us do His will. For whatever reason, He wants us back in Arizona. I have no idea why. It is so hard to have a good attitude about following the Lord's plan for you when you don't like it! It is impossible to understand the heartache sometimes. That is where faith comes in. So many things in life rely heavily on faith. It is a lesson I keep learning over and over. Faith in God is HUGE. Letting go of the reigns and letting Him guide your life is really, really difficult - but has proven to me time and again, that it is always for a worthy reason. Progress is basically the foundation of everything in life and the goal we all strive for. I have to trust that the Lord is taking us back because He has good things in store for us. There will be about a million hard things, but I have to believe there will be happy moments as well.
Change is a
How often in life do we set our own roots into the soil of life and become root bound? We may treat ourselves too gently and defy anyone to disturb the soil or trim back our root system. Under these conditions we too must struggle to make progress. Oh, change is hard! Change can be rough.
There is nothing so unchanging, so inevitable as change itself. The things we see, touch, and feel are always changing. Relationships between friends, husband and wife, father and son, brother and sister are all dynamic, changing relationships. There is a constant that allows us to use change for our own good, and that constant is the revealed eternal truths of our Heavenly Father.
C. S. Lewis indicated there is often pain in change when he wrote of God’s expectations for His children: “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace” (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, New York: MacMillan Co., 1960, p. 160).
Yes, there is pain in change, but there is also great satisfaction in recognizing that progress is being achieved. Life is a series of hills and valleys and often the best growth comes in the valleys.
-Marvin J Ashton
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