Emergence -

Emergence - the process of coming into view or becoming exposed after being concealed.

I don't believe there is any better word to describe the last couple weeks for me.  I feel like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon.  OKAY, more like a neutral colored moth.. possibly even the kind that digs holes into the ground until they are ready to become an adult - rather than the fancier ones that form cocoons. Either way, I have emerged.

If you have read any of the other blog posts I have written after moving back to Arizona, I've obviously dragged you into my depression hole as well. I maybe should apologize for that, but I won't. BECAUSE (wait for it..) I know somehow my experiences help others. I couldn't have been the only person suffering from postpartum issues, insecurities, trials, the list goes on. If my temporary misfortune can help someone else work through theirs, I am willing to endure it. 

I am pleased to report that I no longer want to lay in my bed every minute of my life and guzzle pints of The Tonight Dough. HAVE ANY OF YOU TRIED THAT BEN & JERRY'S FLAVOR?! Holy. Crap. It is the best ice cream EVER. I fell in love with it and I have at least an extra eight pounds of super cute butt dimples to prove it. JK, you'll never know if thats true.. Really though, I don't know what specifically threw me into the black hole emotional spiral, but it happened and it was rough. I didn't recognize myself at all. I tried so many different things to try and pull myself out, but I have learned through this process - I had to let it run its course. It is the only thing that worked for me. I am no doctor, and my advice might be horrible for another person - but it worked for me. 

Sparing all of the nasty TMI details of my spiritual/emotional journey, I learned three very important things.

1. Even if you think your family is the root of your stress and depression - they aren't. Being a mother is excruciating at times. It is okay to admit that. I promise you won't be struck by lightening or shunned by your peers. If you are, then they aren't worth the time and effort anyway. I had moments this past year when I thought, had I made choices differently, my life might be "easier" at this point. If I didn't get pregnant when I was 18, I could have gone to college. If I didn't get married because of said pregnancy, I wouldn't have had to go through the pain of divorce.  I could have traveled the world, never gotten into any debt, frolicked in meadows or who knows, maybe met a vampire and lived happily ever after without needing to sleep ever again. Maybe I never would have given myself ulcers over paying bills, or driven myself crazy from lack of sleep.. 
But then there was this quick minute about a month ago, when the rain was falling outside and all of my kids were dancing together, laughing and squealing - not yelling or arguing or crying - and I was overcome with this fierce pride and insanely rededicated love for my life and the people in it. I think that as a parent, my entire existence will be made up of these kinds of moments. Over and over I will feel pushed to the limit of what I think I can handle, then I will be pushed a little more, but then these amazing few seconds of clarity will wash over me. I will be reminded of how precious my life is. I will be reminded that I have people who rely on me. I will be reminded of the HUGE amount of faith I need to have each day to make it through the hard stuff. I will take immense pride in watching my children laugh together for as long or as short as it may be - because Heavenly Father trusts me. He trusts me to be their mom, their example for everything, their teacher, their cheerleader, their friend, their confidant.. Right now, I am everything to them. It may change when they are older, but hopefully its a cycle and comes back to a time where I will be important to them again. I have to believe that I am making a positive impact on their lives.. or why keep working so hard?! It is okay to need a break. Who wouldn't? If it isn't kids making you want to pull your hair out, its your job or whatever else. Take a breather. You matter. Your health (physical or spiritual) matters. Your kids won't remind you when they are 30 that you used to skip out of bed time every Tuesday night to go binge watch episodes of Friends in your car alone. (Yes, I do that.)

2. I cannot get burnt out on other peoples' opinions. Whether its opinions on parenting, church doctrine, friendships, political stances, education, money, nutrition, jobs, and the list GOES ON AND ON AND ON. We all have the regular people's social media posts we cringe at, or who's comments during church lessons give you the worst cases of anxiety. I know I can't be the only one who encounters this. 

Oh okay, you are more educated than me, I get it. You have more money than me, I get it. You have more kids than me, I get it. You are older than me so you must know best - I GET IT. But guess what?! When it comes to MY family and MY children and MY marriage - during those times, with Heavenly Father's help, I know what is best. I cannot let myself get sucked up in other people's opinions. I am sure a lot of the unsolicited advice is good stuff. I always listen. It is respectful to listen to others, and once in a while, the advice is solid. However, listening and taking what is needed from it, it much different than letting it turn into Satan telling you that you are doing everything wrong. I have learned so many times this year, that turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for help has always steered me in a better direction than a random blog post or instagram celebrity's opinion. (See what I did there?! My blabbering on my blog might not be anywhere near what you need or are looking for.. So turn to God instead!) At the end of the day, if my kids eat candy for dinner, so what? If there is some new article by a well educated fellow on the mistakes of the church, so what? If your friend from high school has a boat, a plane, a mansion, and an island.. so what!? I am sure there are people picking apart this post's vocabulary, grammar, ideas, and blah blah.. The best part is that I don't care even a little bit. Cards on the table, this blog is for me. It helps me. If people enjoy reading it, then great. When you start to obsess over other people's lives and opinions, I promise it will do nothing but hinder your growth and progression in every way. 

3. The blame game mixed with the "what if's" is the stupidest game. Truthfully, its not anyone else's fault that I was depressed. My husband leaving his dirty socks everywhere is not the root of all evil and the reason I spiraled. It maybe didn't help the situation (pick them up babe!!) but it is not the reason I hit a wall of depression. Constantly cleaning the house or making meals is not the reason I stopped smiling. Listening to my kids scream at me for moving their princess dolls from the kitchen chair to the couch didn't poison my spirit. What if we never left AZ and moved to UT? We wouldn't be in anywhere near the credit card debt we are in now. That move set us back years financially and we ended up coming back here anyway. What was the point? What if we never would have made the incredible family memories while living there? At least it wouldn't be painful to think about them now. What if I never would have found the handful of life long friends who I miss terribly all.the.time.? Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to think about them and miss them. What if my husband stayed in school and became a doctor like we planned? We definitely wouldn't have had to endure all the traveling and stress of single parenting that we have for months at a time. We would have more money and more freedom now to make more great memories with our kids. Disneyland, weekend beach trips, days on the lake, impromptu getaways.. 

"HOLD ON.... WHAT AM I SAYING?!" I kid you not, this little voice thundered in my head saying this to me the last time I played this game. Good hell Bethany, none of that crap is going to change anything. You can't fix depression with things. You can't become immune to heartache because you don't have debt looming over your head.  You can't constantly obsess over the choices you've made in the past and how they are effecting you now. The only person who is cheering you on for picking apart your entire life to find faults and long for the greener grass - is the adversary. 

Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He has a plan for all his children. My faith in that may get blurred at times, but I always come back to it. We are never abandoned. We are never alone unless we choose to be. I don't now, and never will believe that life is just a collection of coincidences. I have witnessed too many miracles to buy into that perspective. We have Heavenly parents who are constantly rooting for us. Jesus Christ offered HIS LIFE FOR OURS. There is nothing They do not understand. There is nothing you feel that They haven't. Life is so hard, but it is so so beautiful. I have been through so much in my short life, and will continue trudging through the trials because as annoying as this constantly repeated saying is.. 

I truly am grateful for my trials. They make me a better person, and they bring me closer to my Savior. 

We. Got. This. 

You are SO enough!

You are enough.

YOU are ENOUGH.

YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!

If you ever see me through out the day and you think I am a complete crazy person talking to myself - well, you are right. I say these three words (with the addition of an air fist pump or two for added effect) DAILY.

I have never been a woman bubbling over with self confidence. Do those magical unicorn women exist?! Maybe. I haven't met one yet but crazier things have happened. I struggle constantly with insecurities and fears.

Am I educated enough? (high school diploma is at least under my belt)
Am I pretty enough? (I felt like I was when I was 20)
Am I skinny enough? (Three of my four kids I had in less than five years so draw your own conclusion)
Am I gentle enough? (*throat clear*)
Am I patient enough? (aaaaaanother no)
Will I ever stop having to budget every single second of my family's life to the very last penny each month?! (oh man, I hope so)

Does Satan break me down to nothing EVERY SINGLE DAY?! Hell yes he does, and I have to find a way to change it.

Most of my posts on here have been pretty personal. I know I don't have a huge audience reading them so maybe that is why I am brave enough to write it all down. Either way, I know there are women out there who fight the negative effects of Satan's stupid face everyday and can relate to my feelings. This is for YOU. You deserve all the flowers, all the high fives, all the bear hugs, all the chocolates, sodas and french fries you want. Or I guess giant salads full of veggies and stuff if thats your thing.

When you have done your fifth load of laundry on a Monday.

When your fourth kid in a two week span has gotten the stomach flu and you are once again wiping up vomit off of your pants and down your shirt.

When you have swept the kitchen floor for the hundredth time since breakfast and its only lunch time.

When you own an evil magic sink that replicates the dirty dishes every time you empty it. Seriously though, how do these dishes keep getting in there when no one has been eating anything?!

When it seems like everyone around you is more successful, patient, loving- and yet you can't seem to get your shiz together long enough in the mornings to shove food in your kids mouths before school starts.

When another person judges you for the decisions you make on how many kids you will have. Yes, we have chosen a permanent method of birth control.. why are you so concerned about my husbands sperm count?!

When you mention you've been divorced before and the entire room goes silent. (Does that just happen to me?!)

When your husband gets home from work and you know its really reeeeeeally important to shave your legs and wash your hair for the first time this week so he isn't totally repulsed later when its time to "cuddle".

When some days are just SO hard. On days it feels like you are barely keeping your head above water while juggling a million things (half of which don't need to be weighing you down)

These are the days when you need to let go. These are the days where you need to figure out what is most important and be okay with only getting those things done. Some days it may only be one thing you accomplish successfully and ITS ALL GOOD! Being a mom is tough stuff. It is beautiful and wonderful, but it is HARD.

Am I a master at this? Of letting go and loosening the reigns of control on life? HAHA! Not at all. I am the psycho who is tirelessly cleaning my kitchen after dinner instead of going out back with my kids to play tag. I am the mom who raises my voice multiple times a day at my little babies for the dumbest reasons. I am the wife who is nagging my husband about things he did that "ruined my day" - such as leaving his dirty socks on the floor. (I MEAN COME ON BETH, just pick them up and serve him. They are just a pair of dirty socks not a festering pile of rat poop) I make mistakes everyday. I fall to my knees and repent every. single. night. and then still make mistakes the next day.

The point I am trying to make here is that I am enough. YOU are enough. If you are trying each day to be better, you are enough! The Lord knows your heart. He understands the immense love you have for your children and He knows they are in good hands. He chose you to be their mother. He brought you and your husband together to raise these babies because YOU BOTH are the best people for the job. So give yourself a freaking high five and keep pushing along.

You got this.

When you do your part, the Lord adds power to your efforts.

I have written and deleted at least five posts since my last one. I have sat back for a long time, staying quiet and doing my best to keep the waters calm. For the last few weeks, every single time I have looked at my phone I have seen something that has lit me on fire, sent me straight to tears, or caused me to hang my head and have my entire day ruined. I am tired of it, and I refuse to let it happen anymore.

Mormons. We sure are getting a lot of flack in the social media world lately, eh?! Really, I haven't seen one positive article, blog post or comment on Facebook about the LDS church in .... EVER?! Maybe a little dramatic, but pretty accurate. Facebook is the worst anyway. Buuuuuuut that is a rant for a different day!

I guess what I am trying to say here is that I am exhausted of hearing about how "awful" I am. I say "I", because I am a Mormon. "I" am a member of the church. "I" am associated with any and all negativity that people see in our religion. There are some topics that if I hear about one more time, I really might sell every possession I own and move my family to a secret underground bunker - never to associate with another human being ever again. (Drama drama, I know)

I am not sure why the fire is so hot when people first decide to leave the church. It always fades with time and they never seem to attack you (every second until you crumble into the fetal position and beg them to leave you alone) forever - but man, the year or two after the initial break is BRUTAL. I personally have dealt with a lot of anger lately in regards to articles, posts and comments about Mormons. I think I am just getting to the point now where my inner bear is coming out and I am ready to FIGHT. I have thought that "taking the high road" in all of this meant to shut my mouth, scroll past the crap online and keep my head down -- after all, Jesus loves everyone and so should we. UHHH WRONG. Jesus does love everyone. But He also turned over tables and kicked the money changers out of His temple. 

WE are expected to stand up for ourselves. WE are expected to continue sharing our testimonies. WE must shine light on all of the GOOD that Mormons do in the world.. Because right now, no one is seeing that. There is so much negativity being portrayed onto us. I am being called a bigot because some random person across the world who happens to be Mormon too, has disowned his child for being a homosexual. I mean - thats kind of ridiculous right? Yes, I believe marriage (and all activities that follow) should be between a man and a woman. I believe in God and that is what He has said. If He visits me in a vision or writes another book of scripture saying that isn't the case anymore - then we will revisit the topic at a later date. Does that mean I am disrespectful or hate anyone who thinks opposite of me?! No, it doesn't. It is possible to live different lives and still be loving and compassionate. It is possible to leave the church and not spend every waking second of your days trying to pull others with you. It is possible to love, and to lift one another ALWAYS - if the mutual parties can set religious arguments aside. This scenario is what I like to label as a "pipe dream". Call me pessimistic, but it will never happen. I have yet to witness mutual respect from both sides of a disagreement. We as humans are too passionate, too consumed in our own biases to accomplish this. 

So what CAN we do? We can stop being quiet and we can start speaking up. Now, please do not misinterpret this for some call to action resulting in anger, harsh words or violence. What I am saying is this - if you feel strongly that you need to stand up for your Father in Heaven or your Savior Jesus Christ, DO IT. If you feel like you need to share your testimony about Joseph Smith, DO IT. Yes, he made mistakes - but so have you, so have I, so has every apostle and prophet since the beginning of time. We are human. We are flawed. Share that scripture you read that touched your heart. Roll down your windows and let those church hymns fill the ears of those around you at the red light. Tell the next pair of missionaries you see how grateful you are for all the sacrifices they are making. Don't argue in anger with someone you love over a church debate. Stand up for what you know is right, but do not belittle or tear down. 

I can't begin to convey all the good that Mormons do in the world. There are many times when the church has been the first responder to a natural disaster, terrorist attack or tragedy. There are men and women every week who upon dropping youth off after an activity, sit and listen to the trials and heartaches that they are facing. Leaders who sacrifice time with their own families to lift and strengthen other families around them. Bishops who carry the weight of the world constantly. Women who juggle all of their kids, while tending to other families in the ward who need a helping hand. I remember days when my husband was out of town for months at a time, I was pregnant and deathly ill, juggling my own kids and home - when I would get a prompting to deliver a meal or some other service for someone else. I could have ignored it and not one person would have condemned me for doing so. I had SO much on my plate. Instead, I listened and lifted someone else's burden. The gospel of Jesus Christ and my membership in the Mormon church has taught me to seek out and serve others. Always. I love that. I love the values and principles and GOODNESS that lies within the church and I love being a part of it. Do not waste time worrying what other people think of you. Do not waste time wishing you had more of this or less of that. Spend your time on things that will have a lasting effect on your progression in life and the strengthening of your spirit. 

I wish I could change what is being seen in social media lately. I wish that people could hear the good. I wish they could see and understand where so many hearts are and how much we love them. I wish there weren't people constantly attacking and ripping apart Mormons. It will be this way forever. We will always face opposition and most of the time we won't be seen for the good we do. I am here to tell you that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you and are proud of what you do to defend the gospel. At the end of the day, Their opinions are the only ones that matter. Do everything you can to shine a positive light on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you only change one person's mind -- it is well in the eyes of the Lord.