A Bit of Welcomed Clarity

My last post was pretty bummer, right?! I imagine most people didn't love reading it and the depressing tone might have not been the best thing to hear during the Christmas season. But guess what?! I don't write fake blog posts or pretend to be something I am not sooooooo THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!

On a lighter note today though - I have had a few "a-ha" moments since then and fortunately for all of us, this post will have a little more positivity to it.

The theme of most of my posts is about how awesome the gospel is and how incredibly great Christ is in my life. This post will follow suit. I truly cannot (and probably will not) ever be able to comprehend how people believe in the goodness and pure love of Christ and our Heavenly Father, and then abandon it on a whim. I see it all the time and it baffles me. I feel like one of those silly old ladies who just tells everyone "I will pray for you" in response to every single thing they hear. BUT IT IS SO ME and I am totally okay with it!! I have been focusing my prayers lately on others. I have thrown what little energy I have left at the end of the day into fine tuning my prayers into the will of the Lord rather than my own. It is SO hard.

I am still trying to navigate all these changes my family has been through. I truly have no idea why God wanted us in this area. It was very apparent that this was where we were supposed to be. I don't always get strong answers to prayers or even good feelings about things that I pray about.. I believe that free agency is one of the most important parts of this life and I know the Lord trusts me to make a good decision. This house and this neighborhood was one of those few times when I really did get a spiritual confirmation that we should be here. I didn't fall in love with the house. It doesn't feel like home at all.. I am sure it will get there eventually but right now its all foreign and kind of uncomfortable. Obviously I am thankful to have a roof over my head.. Please do not mistake my words for ungratefulness.  However, my mindset after feeling so good about moving in here and about how awesome it was going to be, kind of felt like this after we settled in ----- >

I feel like my kids are the only one who make a peep during sacrament meeting. We spilled an entire tupperware of cheerios last week and I am pretty sure the bishopric in the very front of the chapel heard every last one hit the floor! I figured that if the Lord wanted us here then there would be an abundance of kids on our street for my girls because that is the only blessing I PLEADED FOR. There had to be a forever friend for me who I just meshed with, you know? There just had to be a very apparent reason off the bat for why He led us in this direction. WELL, none of that has happened yet. I don't have any friends here. I think I have maybe talked to two women so far who are around my age (or any age) and have younger-ish kids. Actually maybe just one.. The other person I talked to said I was "just a baby". COME ON. I have been divorced once and am almost 29 now with four kids. I think that at least gives me a few extra years of wisdom to tack onto my resume. Will people ever stop saying how young I am? I don't feel young. I feel like a burnt out 100 year old granny. I am stiff when I get out of bed every morning. I can't get through a workout without a major caffeine boost.. I fall asleep by 10 o'clock every night and binge watching Netflix with some frozen yogurt feels like a hoppin' party to me. I AM OLD ENOUGH OKAY?!

My point is - I feel like I need to align my will with the will of God at this point. Instead of focusing so insanely on what is supposed to make ME happy by living here, maybe I need to focus on the other reasons why HE wants me here. Maybe I will have a church calling that influences someone's life in a positive way. Maybe I will meet a random neighbor who needs my service once in a while.. Although that seems unlikely since every time I see anyone outside they completely ignore me HAHA! Maybe there is some mom who will move into the neighborhood three years from now and be my BFF. OR MAYBE IT ISN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL! There are about a million or so different reasons why we were directed here by Heavenly Father. I need to be open and willing to understand those reasons and do what He needs me to do. It is way too easy to cloud up my heart and mind on a daily basis and completely miss the promptings and gentle nudges He gives me. I have made the choice to focus my energy on HIS will instead of my own. I pray that it brings a little more clarity and understanding to where my life is right now. People argue that "sometimes that is just the way life is.. there isn't always a reason for the things you go through". I call BS and I call it loud!! I believe wholeheartedly that every single day.. every single moment of my life is directed and given to me for a specific purpose. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know He is mindful of me. I know that He wants me to live with him again someday and He is teaching me everything I need to know to get there. Call me crazy if you want - but my conviction of the gospel is fierce, man!

There are good people everywhere. It might take a couple years to feel comfortable here and make lasting connections with people. In the big picture, a year or two is nothing. I can't sit around and wait for all of these blessings I long for to just plop into my lap. I have to do all I can first in order for the Lord to bless me and help with the things I need. It is really easy to think I deserve the world when I am following the commandments. That isn't really how it works.. and truthfully, that isn't ever how I want it to be. I want to know that I have done all I can to make my life as meaningful as I can. I want Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to accept me with open arms and be proud of who I am. I have MILES UPON MILES to go.. but that is the true beauty of it all, isn't it?!

"As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives." - Jeffrey R Holland 

Fa La La La La

IT IS DECEMBER! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

That is a depiction of what I wish I felt like right now. On a typical December, I am legitimately the happiest person on the planet. Christmas is a beautiful, wonderful, magical time and I soak up every second of it. I mean, a few weeks of the year when a majority of humans are selflessly kind ON PURPOSE?! You can't deny that being a beautiful thing. Am I right or am I right!? 

Right now I would give every possession I own, every luxury I enjoy - to feel even a spark of that happiness. 

I have always had a difficult time understanding depression. I was never able to sympathize well or have a solid amount of patience for people going through it. I don't think I was intentionally being harsh or ignorant about it, but I remember saying (often) to myself and my husband - "Why can't they just make the choice and be happy? Just snap out of it and put a smile on your face!"

*FACE PALM*

For the record, chanting "buck up and be happy" over and over does not work. I can say that with confidence. I will be the first to admit that I was entirely uneducated and really insensitive. I am fairly certain that the Lord is putting me through this trial to correct my prideful attitude and help me to understand depression and the support that is needed for people to get through it. 

I have had insane amounts of scary feelings since having Tess. I suppose it started out as postpartum depression but I feel like its sticking around too long to continue with that label. The flame went in and out for months after she was born. Some days I would feel like a super hero, and others I was in the depths of the lowest lows. The pond scum. I remember one week in particular where I really never left my room. I couldn't force myself out of bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone. If the door bell rang or I got a text, I felt as though I would rather drink a barf smoothie than answer it. The cloud seemed to lift for a bit, and then we got a quick and powerful answer to a prayer and decided to move back home to AZ. I wish it was easier to hold onto the good feeling from an answered prayer when things felt this dark. 

If there was ever a time in my life that I underestimated an outcome, it was then. I was completely naive about the heartache, pain and despair that I would feel after moving. I assume that squishing in with my parents for six weeks probably didn't help. I had moved back in with them after my divorce, then again three years later when we sold our house, and now I was back AGAIN. I am truly thankful that we had their home to live in all of those times, but that doesn't mean it was easy. Tess decided to stop napping, sleeping through the night, and smiling when we left Utah and really hasn't made any progress in a positive direction yet. Let me tell you right now, when you have three more kids to love and play with everyday and your baby is never giving you a second to breathe, it is a recipe for a hell fest. Juggling that with insane body image issues and fleeting self worth has proven to be too much. I pray quietly and shamefully for time to pass as fast as possible. This has been the most excruciating and emotionally draining year I have experienced. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

I know what some of you are thinking - fussy baby and a move to another state. "WHOOP DEE DOO!" Maybe you are right. I know there are people going through a lot of scary stuff that might tower mine in comparison. But you know what? This right now, this is scary for ME. The feelings I have everyday, the fight I put up with myself to get out of bed every morning and get through another day - it is terrifying.  The anxiety that consumes me every Sunday when I am supposed to go to church is unreal. I mean, yeah.. I have been nervous in the past to be in a new place. However, this is an entirely new kind of nervous.  It handicaps me to the point of giving up my opportunity to partake of the sacrament or feel the Spirit from a lesson because I am too emotionally out of it to go. The first two weeks after we had moved from my parents and into our new place, I left sacrament meeting a few minutes in because I couldn't stop crying. I don't typically cry like this. Maybe when I watch a good episode of Friday Night Lights for the fifth time - but not every single damn day of my life. Not one person said hello to me, or honestly even looked in my direction. There is maybe 1/4 the amount of kids that I am used to seeing in a ward. Until this afternoon, no one even stopped by my home. I haven't met anyone in the bishopric. When I moved to Utah, I had at least five neighbors at my door within a couple hours of pulling up. It is just different. Everything is so different. It has been so hard not to feel forgotten.

I get to this place in my mind where I feel like I have no one there for me. I have barely heard from my friends in Utah and for a while I was taking it really hard. I was hurt and frustrated and wondering why I was so upset about leaving people that obviously didn't care to send me a text once in a while to see how I was holding up.. I mean, my life was turned upside down in a matter of days and we barely even got to say decent goodbyes. I have realized though, that I can't let my mind or my heart go there. That was 100% Satan trying to drag down any last bit of light I had left... and he succeeded. Thankfully I was able to take a step back and realize that life is crazy for everyone. We are all so hyper focused on our own kids, marriage, lives, etc., that sometimes it feels impossible to think of anything else. I get that way too, and I needed to be more compassionate and understanding of others doing the same thing. I know they love me! Once I am in a better place mentally, I will be the one to connect and check in more often.. it is just a cycle. I think the hardest part was when you add in my kids coming to me in tears regularly about missing their home, friends, schools, ward, parks, grass, dirt, grocery stores, snow (and every other thing you could imagine) - my heart was just completely crushed to nothing. I have to remember that every negative feeling comes from Satan so he just needs to leave me and my family the hell alone. I am trying to figure that out. I am working so hard to recognize the feelings that sprout from the adversary. I fail miserably (almost daily), but I am still trying.

Truthfully, the only thing I have learned so far, is that I need to focus hard on my blessings. I need to say prayers full of gratitude. I have to take baby steps and just find one small moment of light in every one of my days. That is attainable. I have to believe that. I can find some smidgen of goodness - one second to smile. I am hoping it will create a snowball effect and result in more than one a day. Last night we were able to leave the baby with my sister and take the older kids to see the Zoo Lights. It was the best couple hours we have had since we moved home. The girls were so happy. You could see the true joy in their eyes the entire time we were there. They laughed, they smiled ... they got along SO WELL. I danced with them to the Christmas music in the middle of the pathway, crowded with people and just let go of everything. I let go of the pain. I let go of the hurt and the loneliness. For those few precious moments, I felt happiness. A weight was lifted from me and it is something I can't even explain. I truly believe that my Savior was there in that perfect moment to lift the crushing sadness that has consumed me for the last couple months. I needed that quiet clarity more than ever. I am so thankful to believe in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I cannot imagine going through what I am now without Them, and without the gospel. I am making short strides to a stronger, more peaceful heart - and for that I am eternally grateful. 

Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, ¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind. - Jeffrey R Holland