That is a depiction of what I wish I felt like right now. On a typical December, I am legitimately the happiest person on the planet. Christmas is a beautiful, wonderful, magical time and I soak up every second of it. I mean, a few weeks of the year when a majority of humans are selflessly kind ON PURPOSE?! You can't deny that being a beautiful thing. Am I right or am I right!?
Right now I would give every possession I own, every luxury I enjoy - to feel even a spark of that happiness.
I have always had a difficult time understanding depression. I was never able to sympathize well or have a solid amount of patience for people going through it. I don't think I was intentionally being harsh or ignorant about it, but I remember saying (often) to myself and my husband - "Why can't they just make the choice and be happy? Just snap out of it and put a smile on your face!"
*FACE PALM*
For the record, chanting "buck up and be happy" over and over does not work. I can say that with confidence. I will be the first to admit that I was entirely uneducated and really insensitive. I am fairly certain that the Lord is putting me through this trial to correct my prideful attitude and help me to understand depression and the support that is needed for people to get through it.
I have had insane amounts of scary feelings since having Tess. I suppose it started out as postpartum depression but I feel like its sticking around too long to continue with that label. The flame went in and out for months after she was born. Some days I would feel like a super hero, and others I was in the depths of the lowest lows. The pond scum. I remember one week in particular where I really never left my room. I couldn't force myself out of bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone. If the door bell rang or I got a text, I felt as though I would rather drink a barf smoothie than answer it. The cloud seemed to lift for a bit, and then we got a quick and powerful answer to a prayer and decided to move back home to AZ. I wish it was easier to hold onto the good feeling from an answered prayer when things felt this dark.
If there was ever a time in my life that I underestimated an outcome, it was then. I was completely naive about the heartache, pain and despair that I would feel after moving. I assume that squishing in with my parents for six weeks probably didn't help. I had moved back in with them after my divorce, then again three years later when we sold our house, and now I was back AGAIN. I am truly thankful that we had their home to live in all of those times, but that doesn't mean it was easy. Tess decided to stop napping, sleeping through the night, and smiling when we left Utah and really hasn't made any progress in a positive direction yet. Let me tell you right now, when you have three more kids to love and play with everyday and your baby is never giving you a second to breathe, it is a recipe for a hell fest. Juggling that with insane body image issues and fleeting self worth has proven to be too much. I pray quietly and shamefully for time to pass as fast as possible. This has been the most excruciating and emotionally draining year I have experienced. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I know what some of you are thinking - fussy baby and a move to another state. "WHOOP DEE DOO!" Maybe you are right. I know there are people going through a lot of scary stuff that might tower mine in comparison. But you know what? This right now, this is scary for ME. The feelings I have everyday, the fight I put up with myself to get out of bed every morning and get through another day - it is terrifying. The anxiety that consumes me every Sunday when I am supposed to go to church is unreal. I mean, yeah.. I have been nervous in the past to be in a new place. However, this is an entirely new kind of nervous. It handicaps me to the point of giving up my opportunity to partake of the sacrament or feel the Spirit from a lesson because I am too emotionally out of it to go. The first two weeks after we had moved from my parents and into our new place, I left sacrament meeting a few minutes in because I couldn't stop crying. I don't typically cry like this. Maybe when I watch a good episode of Friday Night Lights for the fifth time - but not every single damn day of my life. Not one person said hello to me, or honestly even looked in my direction. There is maybe 1/4 the amount of kids that I am used to seeing in a ward. Until this afternoon, no one even stopped by my home. I haven't met anyone in the bishopric. When I moved to Utah, I had at least five neighbors at my door within a couple hours of pulling up. It is just different. Everything is so different. It has been so hard not to feel forgotten.
I get to this place in my mind where I feel like I have no one there for me. I have barely heard from my friends in Utah and for a while I was taking it really hard. I was hurt and frustrated and wondering why I was so upset about leaving people that obviously didn't care to send me a text once in a while to see how I was holding up.. I mean, my life was turned upside down in a matter of days and we barely even got to say decent goodbyes. I have realized though, that I can't let my mind or my heart go there. That was 100% Satan trying to drag down any last bit of light I had left... and he succeeded. Thankfully I was able to take a step back and realize that life is crazy for everyone. We are all so hyper focused on our own kids, marriage, lives, etc., that sometimes it feels impossible to think of anything else. I get that way too, and I needed to be more compassionate and understanding of others doing the same thing. I know they love me! Once I am in a better place mentally, I will be the one to connect and check in more often.. it is just a cycle. I think the hardest part was when you add in my kids coming to me in tears regularly about missing their home, friends, schools, ward, parks, grass, dirt, grocery stores, snow (and every other thing you could imagine) - my heart was just completely crushed to nothing. I have to remember that every negative feeling comes from Satan so he just needs to leave me and my family the hell alone. I am trying to figure that out. I am working so hard to recognize the feelings that sprout from the adversary. I fail miserably (almost daily), but I am still trying.
Truthfully, the only thing I have learned so far, is that I need to focus hard on my blessings. I need to say prayers full of gratitude. I have to take baby steps and just find one small moment of light in every one of my days. That is attainable. I have to believe that. I can find some smidgen of goodness - one second to smile. I am hoping it will create a snowball effect and result in more than one a day. Last night we were able to leave the baby with my sister and take the older kids to see the Zoo Lights. It was the best couple hours we have had since we moved home. The girls were so happy. You could see the true joy in their eyes the entire time we were there. They laughed, they smiled ... they got along SO WELL. I danced with them to the Christmas music in the middle of the pathway, crowded with people and just let go of everything. I let go of the pain. I let go of the hurt and the loneliness. For those few precious moments, I felt happiness. A weight was lifted from me and it is something I can't even explain. I truly believe that my Savior was there in that perfect moment to lift the crushing sadness that has consumed me for the last couple months. I needed that quiet clarity more than ever. I am so thankful to believe in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I cannot imagine going through what I am now without Them, and without the gospel. I am making short strides to a stronger, more peaceful heart - and for that I am eternally grateful.
Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, 10 we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind. - Jeffrey R Holland
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