Stop Hating Yourself For What You Aren't, and Start Loving Yourself For What You Are!

I haven't even started this post yet and I already want to call myself a hypocrite and throw a pie in my own face. Partly because it is true, and partly because pie sounds super good! Me talking about self worth and not comparing ourselves to others is kind of a joke because I don't always practice what I preach. I feel like this is maybe a hard thing for a lot of people to master? Yes?.... No?? (cricket sounds)

Okay, jokes aside - let's do this!

Self Worth - the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Okay! Pretty simple to understand when read aloud. Self worth seems like a concept that should be easier to grasp than say .... nuclear physics. BUT GUESS WHAT!? It isn't. At all. It is one of the most difficult skills (yes, I would classify it as a skill) that I feel mankind could ever possess. Why is loving yourself SO strenuous? Let me break it down from my own perspective. Feel free to take this all in stride - I am clearly not an expert on anything. Especially blogging. 

We have so many outside forces in our world constantly tearing us down. Our religion is wrong, no matter what it is. The way we parent is whack, especially if you have more than one or two children. You shop on an inside aisle of the grocery store and purchase a GMO filled poison trap such as a box of Pop-Tarts. Congratulations, you are now going to die a fiery death in the pit of obesity! (Seriously though, just eat a swiss roll and be happy for five seconds.) The social media world, which we all SATURATE ourselves in - is the worst culprit. There will always be someone prettier, skinnier, wealthier, smarter, etc - IF you let your mind wander there and believe that horse shit. This is so serious right now that I am using a swear word. 

DON'T STRESS if that celebrity who has millions upon millions of dollars has the prettiest face you've ever seen and abs that look painted on because they are so perfect. Read that previous sentence again. Celebrity + millions upon millions of dollars = personal make up artist, personal chef, personal trainer, full time nanny, full time maid, insane high end wardrobe, full time photographer with every editing trick in the book, and possibly a professional painter who actually does paint her abs on. GUYS. This is not reality. Not even close. You cannot compare yourself with someone like this. Your worth is not measured by any of these things. 

DON'T STRESS if the lady next door has ten kids who behave all the time. If you only have one kid and he is a total hell raiser - GOOD FOR YOU! You are doing awesome and the Lord appreciates every honest effort you make. We have to stop saying "I just have one kid, my trials could never compare to yours." Or "My kid sleeps through the night so I can't complain because my neighbor has a newborn baby that's up all of the hours." Trials and hard moments that come along with being a parent are different for everyone. Comparing trials is probably the silliest thing you can ever do. I used to get so frustrated with people when they would complain about their husband leaving for a day or two. Mine was gone 4-5 months at a time for four years! I had to catch myself often and try to remember that everyone handles things differently and that is okay! Someone might be a single mom, or have more kids than you, or may be battling an illness while juggling it all. My point is - do not discredit your feelings and difficulties just because you may think someone has it worse than you. Do not judge other people around you when they are having a hard time with something that you think is easy. We all handle trials differently. What is easier for you is excruciating for another and vice versa. Your worth is not measured by how hardcore you are about your trials. 

DON'T STRESS if that chick you follow on Instagram was able to lose 100lbs after having babies and is now an olympic level cross fit trainer with bigger muscles than your husband. Most stories like this take years to accomplish.. not magically in five seconds after you've had your fourth child (guilty.) I do this ALL.THE.TIME. A month after my last baby was born, I would stare at myself in the mirror and nit pick every single part of my body that I didn't like. I still do it. My baby wasn't even able to hold her head up yet and I had convinced myself that I was a failure because I hadn't magically shed the extra 30lbs. I am one of those super lucky people who can't lose any baby weight until I only eat egg whites, chicken and broccoli all day everyday for a few months. It is super lame, but its the hand I was dealt. It takes a few months for me to mentally prepare to take on my weight loss after pregnancies. That being said, we are all guilty of harboring life-consuming envy of the woman who doesn't gain a dimple anywhere during all of her pregnancies. She fit into her pre-pregnancy jeans when she left the hospital, right after she gave birth naturally AND looked like a super model doing it. (Oh, is that just me feeling the out of control jealousy?! Okay.) Instead of breeding envy, let's culture good will. Be happy for her. I promise she struggles often and goes through heart wrenching trials just like you. Your worth is not measured by how quickly you lose baby (or other) weight.

DON'T STRESS when you are making boxed macaroni for dinner the third time this week. It happens. When my husband used to travel all summer for work, I literally made macaroni and cheese or frozen pizza at least once a day. I felt like the worst mom in the history of the world. My kids thought I was the best mom in the history of the world. It evens out :) Yes, it is important to throw fruits and veggies at them throughout the day, but they won't always eat them. Don't beat yourself up about it. Blend them up in spaghetti sauce or throw some greens in a fruit smoothie. They won't always be this picky. Your worth is not measured by how many balanced meals you make in a week.

DON'T STRESS when you feel like all you see are families going on vacations to the beach, disneyland, and fancy resorts. I struggle so much with this. We do not live lavishly by any means, and we have never ever taken a family vacation anywhere. For some reason I feel like if I don't take my kids to Disney World before they turn one, then they have the worst childhood ever. GIVE ME A BREAK. Kids don't need over the top getaways. They don't need any of it. They crave quality time with their parents and siblings more than anything else. That can happen in your family room with a ripped Candy Land game. Get out of the house and take a family walk. Go to the park. Grab a cheap ice cream cone and let them eat it on the hood of the car. It's the little things. Besides, if you want to get real right now - traveling hours at a time in a car with a bunch of young children is pretty much a nightmare. Your worth is not measured by the money you spend on a family vacation.  

If we could just see ourselves the way God does, this world would be an incredibly different place. If we could celebrate others successes instead of turning green with envy, so much more good could be done. Don't stress about what you aren't. Don't stress about what you don't have. Cultivate what you do have. Take care of yourself. Work hard to better yourself spiritually and physically at your own pace and don't bite off more than you can chew. You are SO important and so loved not only by our Heavenly Father but also by your people. Your people love you, they want what is best for you. They need you to be happy. They need you to love yourself. How will we ever love others the way we want to when we don't first love ourselves? Do it guys. Work hard at it. I promise each day will get immeasurably better if you do. Oh, and its totally not weird to stand in front of the mirror and say something nice about yourself. I triple dog dare you to try it! 

"Your worth is already established. It is infinite and that does not change. The problem isn’t that we don’t {know} our self worth, it is that we have a hard time {remembering} it with all the outside influences in our lives. My husband told me once that there is a reason we have two ears: satan {yells} in one, and the spirit {whispers} in the other." -All Fox Carraway

We cannot see what is in the heart

This post might take you a week to read so plan accordingly.  I have wanted to write something about this for a long time. The reason I hadn’t done it yet, even in my own personal journal that no one else sees, is because I truly hadn’t gone through the entire forgiveness process and was still holding onto some serious feelings of resentment toward a handful of people. It is pretty eye opening, even at my ripe old age of 28, how difficult it is to forgive people that wrong you. It is SO hard! Knowing how hard it really is makes me appreciate my Savior even more than I already do. Our Father in Heaven forgives us the second we truly repent. THE VERY SECOND! How amazing is that?! When we fully recognize our mistakes and take our plea to the Lord through prayer to forgive us, HE DOES. Just another reason among the million others to strive each day to be like Him.

         Before our family moved to Utah, we got a ridiculous amount of warnings and mean spirited comments jokes about the people here.

“Watch out for the people in Utah, they love to gossip.”

“Be careful who you make friends with, I have heard it’s pretty hard to live up to the standards people hold there.”

“Throw out your swim suit if it doesn’t reach your chin or cover your knees.”

         As if I wasn’t already terrified to leave the city I had been born and raised in, now I had to worry about how I looked or sounded when I met a bunch of complete strangers. As a woman, I of course already had my own insecurities. I am yet to meet a person who doesn’t have any - but maybe there is one out there. If there is, I WILL FIND YOU and pick your brain because that would be an amazing burden to be lifted from my shoulders. Can I get an amen?! Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Being who I am, and having the past I do – I really was worried about moving away from home. Yes, I had my husband and my kids who would always have my back – but I knew the incredible blessing it was to have a couple close girlfriends who had my back in a different way. I was leaving a few of them behind in Arizona and I really did think I wouldn’t be able to find any in this new, foreign state full of potential meanie heads. That being said, my attitude about coming here was pretty rotten. Attach the “D” word (divorce, you potty mouths) to my reputation and I pretty much felt like I didn’t have a fighting chance.

         Divorce. Why is that such a touchy subject?! (insert weirded out/judgey face emoji) I never really understood the hushed whisperings that come along with divorce talk. I guess for some who deal with earth shattering situations that precede divorce, I understand their hesitation and secrecy about the whole thing. In my situation, it was just issues that we both brought into the marriage, carried through the marriage, and ended the marriage with. We were not in any way/shape/form ready or willing to give what it took to be married. I went through things that I never in a million years want to tell anybody. Part of the reason I don’t smatter those things out in public is because it was a long time ago. People make mistakes – but they can also make positive changes. I like to believe in the changed version of people, rather than dwell on their past. I have been blessed with the ability to do this– probably because I pray and wish for people to do the same for me, had they known that previous version of me. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change the choices I made that took me down a road filled with years of heartache – but there is no way my testimony would be as strong as it is without them. I wouldn’t’ be who I am without those trials, and I am so grateful for them and for where my heart is now.

         It took a lot of time, a lot of stumbling, and a lot of humility to get my relationship where it is with my oldest daughter's dad. We have both made huge strides as far as our character goes. I have not met many people who have been through divorce (especially with kids involved) and are able to get along and appreciate each other as healthily as we do. For some reason or another – people think that is WEIRD. If we get along and genuinely care about one another’s well being, then there must be something strange going on underneath the surface. HOW SAD IS IT that this is an outsider’s very first judgment of the situation? I don’t know why this is such an obtuse idea for people to grasp – but we share responsibility and love for our beautiful daughter. She is the focus. She is the reason we worked as hard as we did to cultivate our relationship after our marriage had ended. She is the reason we chose to better ourselves and go down our own paths of self-improvement. Why should an innocent child ever have to suffer a strained relationship between two parents? They shouldn’t. I am not naïve. I know that some relationships between divorced parties cannot be mended no matter how hard you try. I am blessed in the fact that we both mutually wanted to build a partnership that would help our daughter grow up with a positive vision of forgiveness. Not everyone can have that. I thank Heavenly Father for it everyday. I am so humbled and so blessed to be able to give her a solid, healthy experience with divorced parents.

         Making the choice to move her away from her dad was not easy. The weight of it actually didn’t really settle in until a few months after being here. I often try to put myself in his shoes, and do my best to understand the trial it is for him to be away from his child. At that time he was in PA school and was able to find a rotation here in Utah to do for part of his education. He had asked if we would be willing to let him stay with us for 4 weeks while he completed the rotation. He asked that I chat with Kyle and get back to him. My very first reaction was pure joy – my daughter would be able to see her dad for a full four weeks, morning and night. They would be able to have breakfast together each morning. He could take her to the bus stop. They could spend some quality moments together and strengthen their relationship, which in turn would make the distance a little easier. Not to mention that PA school costs a small fortune and I am pretty sure he was living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for two years. An extended stay at a hotel was obviously not an option. Then of course Satan showed up (as he usually does in moments of happiness) and started putting doubts in my heart.

“What will your neighbors think?”

“How will this look to the parents of Brooklyn’s friends? Will it effect how they feel about her?”

“What if people ask me about it? What do I say? How do I defend my choices?”

“Everyone will judge you.”

 I asked Kyle about it and his first reaction was “Of course he can. Who are we to turn away someone, especially family, in their time of need?” Kyle was so blessed to grow up with parents who opened their home to anyone and everyone that needed it. He had a lot of different ward members, family members and friends who lived with him at different times in his life. He was shown an incredible example of Christ like love and for that I am eternally grateful. He didn’t even think twice about having my ex-husband under our roof for those four weeks. What an incredible man! Am I right?! I am the luckiest. Anyways, his attitude quickly crushed the doubts I had and we welcomed Joel into our home with open arms.

About a week or so after he arrived – the rumors started flying. People I had never even spoken to were talking about me.

“How weird is it that her ex-husband is staying with them? Why would Kyle ever be okay with that? I can’t believe they are sleeping under the same roof when they have had 'relations' before.”

OKAY REALLY?! First of all, yes, we have a child together. If your parents haven’t spoken to you about the human reproductive process when you’re 30+ years old – pick up an anatomy book.  Second of all, why in the world are you even talking about another person’s intimate past? There is a handful of things wrong with that scenario all together. Honestly though, the worst part was now I believed all the warnings I was given before I moved here  – and that totally sucked. I was so bummed to realize that I had moved into a neighborhood that was so quick to judge me without knowing a thing about me. I never had to deal with that in Arizona. It made being away from home and away from family THAT MUCH HARDER.

Yes, from the outside looking in – it might seem odd that we had an ex spouse staying in our home. So odd that you have to get together with other people in the ward and chat about it while you were fulfilling a church calling?! I DON'T THINK SO. Here is the thing though - this is not the church's fault. We are all held to very high standards, and we all falter. Either way, it felt like my world was shattered. I don’t know why I cared so much what other people thought about me, but I did – and it was one of the most painful and emotionally draining situations I had ever been in. Here I was, trying to do what I thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would want me to do. I was trying so hard to make the best out of what I had been given, and strangers were condemning me for it. I dealt with a lot of ugly emotions for months over it. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't even want to go out to the neighborhood park and sled or play in the snow with my kids because I was so insecure and afraid of seeing people who I knew were talking about my family. I had TWO people that were understanding about it. Two. They asked me the questions they had, I answered truthfully, and we moved on. I cherish them now, and they are two of my closest friends. Can you imagine what life would be like if we all acted the way those two did?! 

     If we were all able to candidly ask questions about things we didn’t entirely understand, can you imagine the heartache we would avoid?! Instead of assuming the worst about people or making judgments about their lives when you have ZERO facts – pull them aside and ask them what you want to know! I can guarantee almost all of the time, the parties involved are trying to hard to do what they think is best. I was. My husband was. We were striving to emulate Christ in our actions, and people were shunning us for it because they were too quick to judge. It took a long time for me forgive the people who talked harshly about me. A long time. To be entirely truthful – sometimes I think back on it and still feel crummy. There were other times when people would come out of the blue and tell me that my name was brought up at an essential oils party or some other MLM function concerning some rumor that had no truth to it. I think about how many more strong relationships I might have in my life had this not have happened. That is where forgiveness comes in. That is where this situation turns to me and I am given the choice to judge others for judging me or to let it go and forgive them. I am in no way innocent of passing judgments. We all do it. I think it is safe to say there isn’t a human that ever existed who hasn’t done it. However, it is also safe to say that we can all work on it. We can all do our best to first love one another, rather than judge one another. If there is something so pressing about someone else’s life that you find yourself talking to others about – then its time to personally go find them and ask the questions you have. Talk honestly and openly with others. I wish people would have done that with me, because these lingering hurt feelings are super duper lame. I almost let them ruin my ability to find friends here. I almost gave up entirely on my neighbors and our future relationships because I was offended. How sad and awful that might have been. 

There really is a point to all this rambling. The worst part of this experience is that things like this happen to people all the time. I am so hesitant to get to know new people or make more friends here because of what happened. I am working on being more open and willing to trust people and let them in. I have to figure out how to forgive people when they wrong me, because I know others have forgiven me when I have done wrong. We can't miss out on awesome relationships and experiences because of being hurt by something in the past. People leave the church all the time because of being personally offended by others. Don't let the poor choices of others take away your testimony. Don't let the handful of people who wronged you affect how you feel about the rest. We are all flawed, and that is why we have the atonement. Besides, maybe they have repented long ago and are just waiting for your forgiveness. We have all got to do better!

 “It seems common practice for people to talk about their friends and neighbors and to criticize their seeming peculiarities and weaknesses. In fact, it is so general that one would think that gossiping about and judging others was the thing to do.

The reason, therefore, that we cannot judge is obvious. We cannot see what is in the heart. We do not know motives, although we impute motives to every action we see. They may be pure while we think they are improper.

How can we, with all our weaknesses and frailties, dare to arrogate to ourselves the position of a judge? At best, man can judge only what he sees; he cannot judge the heart or the intention, or begin to judge the potential of his neighbor.

We are too prone to listen to, accept, and repeat such adverse criticism, such maliciously spoken or printed words, without stopping to realize the harm we may be doing to some noble person.

Let us look for the good rather than try to discover any hidden evil. We can easily find fault in others if that is what we are looking for.

Let us remember too that the further out of line or out of tune we ourselves are, the more we are inclined to look for error or weaknesses in others and to try to rationalize and justify our own faults rather than to try to improve ourselves.

Regardless of our ego, our pride, or our feeling of insecurity, our lives would be happier, we would be contributing more to social welfare and the happiness of others, if we would love one another, forgive one another, repent of our wrongdoings, and judge not.

We never gain anything or improve our own character by trying to tear down another. “

-N. Eldon Tanner

Please, no! Not another blog!

        I know what you are all thinking.. "Oh please no, not another mormon mommy blog!" Trust me, I too have felt those same emotions. Lucky for you (and me), I cannot sew. I am not crafty. I do not make homemade baby food. I do not have the abs of an olympian after four pregnancies. I do not run marathons. I cannot survive one day without caffeine. I have tried giving up sugar and I never last. I do not always use proper grammar and punctuation. I do not have it all together, and probably never will. 

        I do however drive a minivan (guilty) They are just SO convenient! I do have my share of insecurities. I do envy admire the women I know who can sew, craft, concoct gourmet baby food, rock a six pack and keep their refrigerators sparkling. I drink a lot of caffeine.  I indulge in the occasional oreo. I love a good Meghan Trainor song. There is dust on my furniture. There are at least five pairs of my husband's kids' shoes sprawled through out the house. I leave laundry in the washer or dyer at least once a day. I feel jealousy often. I swear sometimes. I lose sight of my blessings. I have anger issues. I have some emotional baggage. I am incredibly flawed - and for that I am truly grateful. 


         I have felt impressed for some time to do something like this, and now is as good a time as any. My vision for this blog is simple. I have been to hell and back in my life and I am only 28 years old. I have been through things that most never have to think about. I feel like the experiences I had when I was in my "rock bottom" have molded me into the woman, mother, wife and friend that I am today. I have about a zillion miles to go before I would ever preach to be entirely solid in my faith - but I feel like I have a lot to give. I feel like my testimony is continuously growing and changing into something beautiful. That being said, I am the worst public speaker of all time. I have issues even teaching a simple lesson to my 11 year old primary class. I am hoping by publishing a post on this blog once a week - it will give me an opportunity to share my testimony and be a missionary even if I only have one reader. (I know I can always count on my husband to read it while he's sitting on the toilet couch ;)

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        I don't know who else has been experiencing this lately, but I personally have had a couple immediate family members leave the church. I try to take a step back and understand why they are choosing it, what poor experiences they had that negatively effected their testimonies, what could possibly make them think they'd be happier without the gospel? I go through the emotions typically in this order - shock, sadness, worry, anger, shock, shock, shock, sadness. Shock usually wins most of my emotional journey. For me, it has been people who I saw as solid in their beliefs. People who I looked up to and felt like I could count on should my own testimony go dim. But here is the golden piece of advice guys - are you ready?!? We cannot rely on anyone else's testimony to be our own. I have tried that, more times than I care to admit. 

        I spent five years away from the church. In that time I got pregnant at 18 and rushed into a marriage that was doomed from the start. We were both in the most unhealthy places mentally, physically and spiritually. I spent the next few years in a downward spiral. I do not remember one moment before I was 22 that I felt like I had any kind of testimony or love for the gospel. I leaned on my older siblings, parents, and church leaders to carry me through the years as a teen that I was dragged to church.  I am realizing now, as I see these family members turn away on a path of "discovery", that all I can really do that is worth my time and theirs, is to love them unconditionally. To be an example of Christ in all that I do. If anything, it has pushed me to work harder to strengthen my testimony. It helps me to read my scriptures more often, study the words of the prophets, and do my absolute best to be ready to answer questions or help them should they ask. 

        I don't know the answers to everything. I don't claim to have the key to all the truths of the gospel. I am still learning. I am still working on my own conversion - but everyday I get a little closer. There have been moments in the temple, at church, or even just at home - when I have felt the spirit so strong. Moments have come where I have stopped in my tracks and dropped to my knees in prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for the spiritual clarity I had received in that quiet moment. I know in my heart that this is where I belong. I am the happiest when I am in a good place with my testimony. I am the happiest when I look at my trials as my own refining fire. I find comfort and peace in knowing that I am gaining wisdom and knowledge every single time I attend the temple or read my scriptures. I don't always want to go to church for three hours on Sunday and walk the halls with a crying baby. I don't always have the patience to be interrupted five thousands times with farting jokes while I am trying to teach my primary class. I don't always get my visiting teaching done or have a good attitude when I send my husband to scout camp outs. Being a member of the church takes a lot of time, sacrifice and dedication. But yowzers - it brings so many blessings. It makes the hard things SO worth it. 

       I don't care what mistakes were made a hundred plus years ago by a man in the church. I don't care if one of my leaders in the past did or said something that wasn't in complete sync with the Lord's way. I don't care if men can use the priesthood in a different way than I can. I don't care that mistakes are made by humans in the church. I make mistakes everyday. I stumble and fall and am SO GRATEFUL to have the atonement to fix those mistakes. I don't know why people allow small and insignificant histories take away their faith, especially when they have had clear and lasting witnesses of the truth. I wish we could all remember our spiritual highs when we are trapped in our spiritual lows. All I do know is that I love my Heavenly Father. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so incredibly thankful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and will shout it from the rooftops for as long as I live. If I die someday and none of this was true, then boy did I work my butt off to be the best version of myself I could be. The gospel gives me that. I pray everyday that anyone who is struggling with their testimony will find the anchor they need to come back. I did it. You can too. 

          

"In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. It was of this very incident, this specific miracle, that Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.

The second observation is a variation of the first. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.” That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak! Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle."  

So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work. As one gifted writer has suggested, when the infinite fulness is poured forth, it is not the oil’s fault if there is some loss because finite vessels can’t quite contain it all. Those finite vessels include you and me, so be patient and kind and forgiving." -Jeffrey R Holland