Experiment in Personal Growth

I made a personal committment to something that is going to probably be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Is the suspense built?! Are you just D-Y-I-N-G to hear what I am planning to do?!

I AM GOING TO ABSTAIN FROM ALL AVENUES OF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR THIRTY DAYS.

I know Joey, I know. 

Since the dawn of time (dramatic), there have been articles floating around Facebook arguing whether or not it is okay for moms to spend chunks of time on their phones instead of engaging in their children. While I see and understand both sides to this - I am pretty torn as far as my opinion goes. Yes, I ignore my children and look at Instagram while they are showing me the song on their annoying singing Barbie (that I secretly want to light on fire and throw in the Bermuda triangle) FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME in the last hour. I am completely guilty of this and I will not deny it. Will my half engaged facial expressions and lack of enthusiasm about the Barbie crush my child's spirit and send them into a downward spiral at age three?! Highly doubt it.

That being said, I spend WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much time scrolling through social media. I have deactivated my Facebook a couple times. I have deleted the apps off of my phone more times than I can count, yet they always make their way back on somehow. (Usually the same day they are deleted) It is not comfortable to admit this - but social media makes me insanely insecure. It is at the root of my body dysmorphia, my insecurities in motherhood, my personal weaknesses in my faith, etc. I do believe that people normally show their "highlight reel" as President Utchdorf called it on their social media accounts. I know that I am guilty of it. As a busy mom, when you get all your kids AND yourself ready one day a week month, you like to document it! I get it! Who sits there and takes pictures of the nitty gritty, everyday BS that you deal with?

-OH, my baby is screaming for the BAJILLIONTH time today! How cute! I should take a picture of this so I can remember it everyday for the REST OF MY LIFE!

- AWWW, my kids are ripping each others hair out AGAIN! They are so sweet, this deserves a Instagram shout out. 

- OH LOOK, I made peanut butter and jelly for dinner for the sixth day in a row since my husband is out of town and I don't have an ounce of patience left in me to fight over broccoli consumption again. I bet all my followers want this super in depth recipe, I should post it! 

You get what I am saying?! We are all guilty of posting the highlight reel. Sometimes it is nice to forget all the crap you've gone through that day and only focus on the excruciatingly brief moment of happiness. Because this happens for me more than I care to admit. A lot of my days lately go like this - sucky, sucky, sucky, OOOOOO my kids are cute I love them, sucky, sucky sucky. Then when my kids are all in bed, I exhale a GIANT sigh of relief and immediately grab my phone and turn to social media. Bad idea, coach. 

-Oh, that mom I don't even know made an elaborate all natural dinner and her kids ate it with a smile! 

-Look, this super tan buff chick with perfect hair is telling me that my baby being up all night for the fifth day in a row IS NO EXCUSE for missing my workout today! I should have been up at 4am doing my 1000th burpee. Man, I suck at life! 

-Wow, another anti-mormon article or rant was posted or liked by a friend on Facebook. Maybe I should read it? It can't hurt. (Trust me, it most certainly can)

-Hey, a complete stranger is building a gorgeous mansion and driving a fifty thousand dollar Tahoe at age 25. I need to hustle on this rat race and get on it! I am at least three years behind schedule!

***** OH HI SATAN, you are here again to torment me and make me feel like I am not enough. I didn't feel this way the last two hours when I was spending time with my kids and off of my phone. I know this isn't the case for everyone. I personally couldn't care less about having a brand new car or a giant house. Those things don't drive me to insanity. I just want a house that fits my family and to be free from stressing month to month about paying bills. I don't feel like I long for much, so it makes me angry that I am not there yet. But that is a problem within itself. I am 28, I don't need to be financially stable and probably won't be for years longer. That anger needs to be let go and FAST. I am blessed beyond measure. I know that some people genuinely do not compare themselves to others and are completely happy in their own skin. To those magical unicorns, I salute you. I strive to be like you, and I know I will get there someday. For that to happen though, I need to seriously cut back on the time I spend on social media. I suffer, my marriage suffers, my kids suffer - all because my insecurities are being fueled by the excessive time I spend scrolling through my phone throughout the day. 

That is why I am taking a social media fast. That is why I am making a commitment to myself to live in the real world and focus on my actual relationships with the people I love. It is going to be crazy hard. I don't doubt that for a second. I will be tempted over and over to use the soul sucking outlets, but if I declare my journey out loud and have people know my plans - its way easier to stick to it. I am sincerely excited to see what changes, to see how I feel and how differently I treat my people. I am praying for an increase in patience, compassion, and love for myself, my kids, and the strangers I come in contact with everyday! Wish me luck, November will be a whole new experience for me! If any of you are brave enough to try it, let me know! We can form a support group and MAYBE EVEN CALL EACH OTHER and talk on the phone like people did in 1995. 

"The Internet provides many opportunities for learning. However, Satan wants us to be miserable, and he distorts the real purpose of things. He uses this great tool to promote doubt and fear and to destroy faith and hope.

With so much available on the Internet, we must carefully consider where to apply our efforts. Satan can keep us busy, distracted, and infected by sifting through information, much of which can be pure garbage.

One should not roam through garbage." - Marcos A Aidukaitis

A "good" church day ...

You know those rare Sundays where every single meeting hour is just the best time ever?! It hardly ever happens for me - especially having four kids who pretty much make it their mission to drive me more insane than they ever have while I am desperately trying to feel the Spirit. 

Well, today my baby stayed home with Grandma and I was able to attend my last two meetings without any of my kids. It was truly blissful. Every lesson was on point and was exactly what I was dying to hear.  I just felt the whole time that I had to get home and take some time to write a post and pass on the incredible lessons I was taught today, and the lasting impression those words had on my heart. 

The first lesson was on faith. Jesus Christ is the author and finisher of our faith. The title of the lesson alone brought such peace and love to my soul. He really is. Our faith starts and ends with Him. A question that was asked to the group during the lesson was "why do we keep the commandments?" Most answers were because of obedience. Some people said out of love for God. The part that usually frustrates me when this question is asked, is that people constantly say how hard it is to follow the commandments. How hard it is that we are held to such a high standard in our lives. That it would be a lot easier to not follow them. Keep an open mind with my take on this...

I 100% (with every fiber of my being) passionately disagree. I wish that I could take a few years of my life that were gut wrenching and unbearable and put them into a movie for people to view whenever they are feeling like following the commandments is too hard. I PROMISE YOU - not following them is excruciatingly harder.  Yes, we are awesome for being able to follow so many "rules" and hold ourselves to high standards.. But the blessings and conversions in Christ that come from following them ARE WAY MORE AWESOME. It took a long time, but I am finally in a place where following commandments feels easy to me. I know what you are thinking.. EASY?! Are you crazy?! Yes, a little. Here is how my logic works -

Following commandments brings blessings. Blessings make life more joyful. A joyful life is what we all seek to possess. Once you have that machine going and all the parts are working together to create this outcome - then following the commandments IS the easier choice. It IS the easier path. Once you have tasted of that pure joy and pure conversion to the gospel, holding yourself to the high standards the church sets for you feels less and less difficult. It is actually (dare I say) exciting?! I am totally geeking out right now, I know. I just lived a long time without the gospel. Not following the commandments has zero appeal to me, and I am SO grateful for the experiences that have led me to my solid faith in keeping them. I challenge you to try and view your obedience to the commandments as an easier choice. I know that the church expects a lot of its members. You put a lot of time and a lot of energy into service, and it is at times difficult. Multiple callings, kids in different programs, visiting teaching, home teaching.. I have known a few people in the last couple years who have left the church for this very reason and it breaks my heart. If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are feeling like you are stretched too thin - talk to someone. I promise you that your bishop would much rather you took a step back from callings and focused on strengthening your own testimony for a while - rather than throwing in the towel and leaving all together because it seems like the easier choice.  There is so much goodness in store for you if you just keep pushing forward and having faith. Faith in Jesus Christ is the basis of every principle of the gospel, and sometimes it is one of the hardest to figure out. Keep trying!

The second lesson today was on pride. Pride is a B. So hard to keep pride at bay. It has such a wide reach and manifests itself in so many ways. I remember pulling my patriarchal blessing out sometime in the last year and reading "beware of pride in your life". ME? PRIDEFUL?! What was this guy thinking? He must have been confused about who he was blessing. I am not prideful!

 HA HA! BAM. Yes I am. The fact that I was offended by my patriarchal blessing was my first clue.  Humility is the only antidote for pride. There were some quotes in class today that really made an impression on me. 

“Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done."

"The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge, their abilities versus God’s priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works."

"Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s."

How many times in my life have I gotten upset or angry with Heavenly Father for not agreeing with me or giving me the outcome I want?! SO MANY! I was convinced that I knew what was best for me. I knew what was best for my husband and my kids. NOT TRUE. I would say as a mother and wife, I am pretty in tune with my family's needs.. right?! Well, Heavenly Father is in tune with them on a whole different level that I will never understand. 

There are going to times where we have no idea what the heck the Lord has in store for us. There will be times where we are in the lowest low of our trials, wondering where Heavenly Father is and why He has left us. I promise you, He has not left you. If He leads you in a direction that you don't like - press forward anyway. Have faith that He will bring you through it and you will see why it was necessary. It is pretty easy to forget the blessings and the good things in your life when you are in the thick of tribulation. The only thing I have ever done that has brought me peace in those awful moments is drop to my knees and say a prayer that only consists of gratitude. Pray as long and as often as you need to, and only about the things you are thankful for. Over time you will start to see things in a positive light again. The suffering will pass or the burden will become lighter. You will not be in this tormenting test for the rest of your life. Ups and downs are inevitable - but staying on the side of humility rather than pride, will bring you through it successfully every single time.  

I think sometimes of what life would be like if we all possessed greater humility.

Imagine a world in which we would replace I as the dominant pronoun.

Think of the impact on the pursuit of knowledge if being learned without being arrogant were the norm.

Consider the climate that would exist within a marriage or family—or any organization, for that matter—if through genuine humility mistakes were freely admitted and forgiven, if we were not afraid to praise others for fear they might gain on us, and if all were able to listen as well as we now verbalize.

Contemplate the advantages of life in a society in which considerations of status were only secondary, where citizens were more concerned with their responsibilities than their rights.  -Marlin K Jensen 

Jesus Savior Pilot Me

Jesus, Savior, pilot me

Over life's tempestuous sea;

Unknown waves before me roll,

Hiding rock and treach'rous shoal.

Chart and compass came from thee;

Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,

And the fearful breakers roar

'Twixt me and the peaceful rest,

Then, while leaning on thy breast,

May I hear thee say to me,

"Fear not; I will pilot thee."

As a mother stills her child,

Thou canst hush the ocean wild;

Boist'rous waves obey thy will

When thou say'st to them, "Be still!"

Wondrous Sov'reign of the sea,

Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

This hymn. I LOVE IT. I don't hear it sung at church often, and I wish it was. It brings the spirit so strongly into my heart every time I hear it or think of the words. Jesus, Savior, pilot me. What better attitude could you possibly have?

I have learned a lot about myself over the last couple weeks. I do not (read with heavy emphasis on the not) handle quick changes or stress well. I am definitely not a "go with the flow" type of personality. My husband is, and I try so hard to let it rub off on me. So far it has not been successful. Probably never will. I like to know what is coming. I like to have a handle on my life and our direction. That being said, making the choice to move to AZ and completing it within a two or three week period was enough to send me into a spiral of insanity. Top that with a new job that has my husband traveling again and it has been a recipe for crazy. I have never dealt with any serious or scary feelings of depression or anxiety on this level before. It has been truly on of the most difficult periods of time that I have experienced in quite a while. 

I am always hesitant to share my feelings on this blog - mostly because I feel like a lot of people compare trials and get offended or frustrated when someone says they are having a hard time with a less complex hardship such as a move. I understand fully that there are people in the world dealing with hunger, death, sickness, serious mental illness, etc - I pray for them and my heart aches for them. Sometimes I feel like I am being a baby or blowing my own struggles out of proportion when I stand myself next to these people. I have gained a testimony this past week that this kind of thing is really just silly. Everyone is faced and burdened with things that are hard for THEM. Each person is tried and tested in an individual way that will help THEIR weaknesses become strengths. Because you cry for three days over losing ANOTHER house in a bidding war - it doesn't make you a whiner. We all are programmed to think that we have to be so bad ass all the time. We don't. Yes, we have to be strong. Yes, we need to be resilient. Yes, we need to be able to bounce back and deal. However, there is a beautiful strength born within us after breaking down. Being upset over something that another person may see as trivial, should not belittle your strength. It doesn't make you a complainer. It doesn't make you weak. It is just another puzzle piece in your journey. We need every single puzzle piece. They are essential to our eternal salvation.

We have had a really hard time finding a place to live in AZ. The process started over three weeks ago with our realtor and it has just been a bust. He has worked so hard for us, and nothing has stuck. We have gotten our hopes up and started imagining our life in a home and then we get bid out. The market in AZ is crazy, and its been a huge trial for our family. When our house sold so quickly in UT, it confirmed our decision and helped us to feel like we had received and understood personal revelation for our family. Arriving here and having such a roller coaster emotional experience over and over to find a new home, caused us to second guess our choice. That is such a crappy feeling. There is no eloquent way for me to describe it. When you feel good about something and then the adversary puts doubt in your heart - its icky.  Dealing with repeating disappointment and uncertainty has been trying. We have finally been able to feel comfort and peace through lots and lots (AND LOTS) of prayer. The Lord will help us find a home where HE wants us to be. I really had to just turn complete control over to Him, and trust that He would get us where we need to go. He will help us find a home in a place where He needs us. A place that we can serve and positively influence the lives of those around us. A place where our kids can be happy, and find lasting friendships that will carry them through their own trying times. I have to believe that. It is the only thing that brings me peace. 

As great as it would be to not live out of boxes in my parents home, I am so grateful to have a roof over our heads. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to look for a home. There is nothing that brings me more joy than being together as a family - whether its in our own house or squished in a couple bedrooms at Grandma and Grandpa's. We are blessed beyond measure. It is so easy to lose sight of our blessings when we are feeling crushed by adversity. It is so important for us to fall to our knees each day and ask the Lord for help to see the good, especially when we seem to be bombarded only by the bad. There is always light in the darkness. Always.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air. Faith does not fall upon us by chance or stay with us by birthright. It is, as the scriptures say, “substance … , the evidence of things not seen.”⁵ Faith emits a spiritual light, and that light is discernible.⁶ Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe⁷ and as we seek it and hold on to it. Your faith is either growing stronger or becoming weaker. Faith is a principle of power, important not only in this life but also in our progression beyond the veil.⁸ By the grace of Christ, we will one day be saved through faith on His name.⁹ The future of your faith is not by chance, but by choice.

Neil A Andersen