I have a lot of dust to brush off of my journal today. I haven't been on here to preach from my little soapbox (to the two readers I have) in a long time. I have felt prompted to do it on many occasions in the last 12 months, but the process is long and sometimes it uncovers things that I have stuffed deep down and preferred not to deal with. (I am sure no one out there has ever done something like that before... 😜) Well, I woke up today and for whatever reason, had the motivation to hash out some things I have been dealing with, and try to work through them into a place of peace that I desperately need.
Life is constantly changing. It goes from calm waters, gradually tossing a little more chaotically each day due to small trials, then morphs and mutates into a total crap-storm and lays you out flat on your arse when you least expect it. That pattern continues over and over again. Sometimes you find clarity. Sometimes you are able to process the things that are unfolding around you, make a plan, and really crush it. You walk away taller, stronger, holding your head a bit higher. I have experienced victories like that. The feeling is superhuman. There is nothing quite like it.
Other times, clarity is out of reach. The emotional turmoil that legitimately mimics the stomach flu, sweeps you up and tosses you into a tailspin. These are the moments when Satan has won. He has pushed and pulled you in so many different directions, that you can't discern what is good, and what is not. Unfortunately, we need these junctures. We need to have our lives tossed about. It is hard. It makes us tired. It hurts our morale and sometimes breaks our spirits. HOWEVER, if we can recognize what is happening, then we can see witness something big. That is when the beautiful movement happens. When we see Satan for what he is, when we realize that we have lost the truths we know and have let the trial consume us - THAT is when we can finally see the glimmer of clarity again in the distance. That is when we can decide to forge ahead, make a plan, and pull the pieces of our life back together to process and mend that which has been broken.
I am starting to learn that regardless of how hard I may try to be a "boss level" wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, disciple of Christ - there is always going to be someone who doesn't see me trying my best. Whether their expectations are too high, or they are just not in a healthy place to see me for who I am - this is a reality that we all have to swallow and work through. Sometimes I want to blame movies, tv, social media, etc for setting these insane, sky scraper high promises. It leaves us all thinking that a majority of humans have handfuls of fulfilling, emotionally stable relationships where they are never left wanting or needing anything else. IT IS TOTAL CRAP. There is no tasteful or gentle way of putting that. Imperfection is who we are. There will never be a time when every emotional, physical, spiritual need in our life is met at full capacity with no interruptions. That just isn't a reality. We can't expect a relationship to do that for us. Bottom line.
We each have our own love language, right? I truly believe that. That logic makes sense to me, and helps me to treat people better. For years my love language has been words of affirmation. I have long suffered from a super low level of self esteem. I can't remember a time where I have been confident in who I was, or felt that my worth was measured high enough. I can pinpoint some very specific things in life that have attributed to the lack of love for myself, and try my best to work through and rise above them. But right now, in the stage of life I am currently in - my love language has flipped from words of affirmation to acts of service. Service speaks to me. It lightens my load, eases my heartache, minimizes my stress, and keeps me from spiraling into all consuming panic attacks that I have battled with for years. With all of the things I am juggling (most of them teetering so far off balance that I fear they will all tumble at once) acts of service is what fills up my "love tank". SO, as a wife, mother and friend - that is what is easiest for me to do for other people. I am good in crisis mode. I can be that person you call when everything is crashing down and you need a solid friend by your side. I will be there to pick up the pieces. I will cook for you. I will clean for you. I will take in your kids and love them like my own when you need me to. It is a natural thing for us to excel in love by doing the things that we, ourselves, would also love done for us. Serving is a strength for me. Serving comes easy for me. The relationships I can nuture and have space for in my heart right now, are the ones without unrealistic expectations. To some that might sound weak, but for now that is my truth. I will love you, I will serve you, I will pray for you and think about you constantly through out the day, even if I don't tell you that I do. Right now, I am not going to be consistent with face to face interaction. I am always going to have the best of intentions to put in the time to foster friendships, but the reality is that sometimes I won't show up. Sometimes I will give into the exhaustion and anxiety and not follow through. I have one hour from 9-10pm every night to see my husband without four kids talking at us, crying, screaming, fighting, needing baths and meals and attention. I have those few precious minutes to look him in the eyes.. to do my best to focus on quality time with him.. to grow and strengthen our marriage before I literally become a hollow zombie - because of the need to do that, everything else is going to fall to the side. I don't think it will always be this way, but for now, it is. At this point I say, take it or leave it!
Here is the important take away - my strengths might be your weaknesses. Your strengths are most likely my weaknesses. THAT is the BEAUTY of the human experience. If we can all mold our perspective to a place of love and acceptance of others faults, every single trial that pops up will feel easier to handle. We will find the relationships that serve us, we will be able to more readily serve others, and we will find an inner peace that enables us to let the rest go. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. We cannot expect perfection. In truth, no one around us can fully understand the things each other are going through. We can try our hardest to walk in their shoes, to feel their pain, or understand their behavior. Only the Savior completely and perfectly knows the feelings we struggle with each day. Only the Savior understands our strengths and weaknesses and loves us wholly because of BOTH. I have found myself feeling lonely, forgotten, and sad over the last couple weeks. I was hoping and waiting for people to reach out to me and pull me out of it - when what I needed to do all along was get down on my knees and pray. Pray to my Savior to take my burdens and lift me back up. Pray to feel HIS love. Pray at those moments of loneliness, to have His love be enough. Because really, it is all I need to keep moving forward. He is my perfect example, and the only one I need to look to as I press on and keep refining who I am. We can all afford to give each other a little more patience, and a little more grace.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
Monday, August 29, 2016
Emergence -
Emergence - the process of coming into view or becoming exposed after being concealed.
I don't believe there is any better word to describe the last couple weeks for me. I feel like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon. OKAY, more like a neutral colored moth.. possibly even the kind that digs holes into the ground until they are ready to become an adult - rather than the fancier ones that form cocoons. Either way, I have emerged.
If you have read any of the other blog posts I have written after moving back to Arizona, I've obviously dragged you into my depression hole as well. I maybe should apologize for that, but I won't. BECAUSE (wait for it..) I know somehow my experiences help others. I couldn't have been the only person suffering from postpartum issues, insecurities, trials, the list goes on. If my temporary misfortune can help someone else work through theirs, I am willing to endure it.
I am pleased to report that I no longer want to lay in my bed every minute of my life and guzzle pints of The Tonight Dough. HAVE ANY OF YOU TRIED THAT BEN & JERRY'S FLAVOR?! Holy. Crap. It is the best ice cream EVER. I fell in love with it and I have at least an extra eight pounds of super cute butt dimples to prove it. JK, you'll never know if thats true.. Really though, I don't know what specifically threw me into the black hole emotional spiral, but it happened and it was rough. I didn't recognize myself at all. I tried so many different things to try and pull myself out, but I have learned through this process - I had to let it run its course. It is the only thing that worked for me. I am no doctor, and my advice might be horrible for another person - but it worked for me.
Sparing all of the nasty TMI details of my spiritual/emotional journey, I learned three very important things.
1. Even if you think your family is the root of your stress and depression - they aren't. Being a mother is excruciating at times. It is okay to admit that. I promise you won't be struck by lightening or shunned by your peers. If you are, then they aren't worth the time and effort anyway. I had moments this past year when I thought, had I made choices differently, my life might be "easier" at this point. If I didn't get pregnant when I was 18, I could have gone to college. If I didn't get married because of said pregnancy, I wouldn't have had to go through the pain of divorce. I could have traveled the world, never gotten into any debt, frolicked in meadows or who knows, maybe met a vampire and lived happily ever after without needing to sleep ever again. Maybe I never would have given myself ulcers over paying bills, or driven myself crazy from lack of sleep..
But then there was this quick minute about a month ago, when the rain was falling outside and all of my kids were dancing together, laughing and squealing - not yelling or arguing or crying - and I was overcome with this fierce pride and insanely rededicated love for my life and the people in it. I think that as a parent, my entire existence will be made up of these kinds of moments. Over and over I will feel pushed to the limit of what I think I can handle, then I will be pushed a little more, but then these amazing few seconds of clarity will wash over me. I will be reminded of how precious my life is. I will be reminded that I have people who rely on me. I will be reminded of the HUGE amount of faith I need to have each day to make it through the hard stuff. I will take immense pride in watching my children laugh together for as long or as short as it may be - because Heavenly Father trusts me. He trusts me to be their mom, their example for everything, their teacher, their cheerleader, their friend, their confidant.. Right now, I am everything to them. It may change when they are older, but hopefully its a cycle and comes back to a time where I will be important to them again. I have to believe that I am making a positive impact on their lives.. or why keep working so hard?! It is okay to need a break. Who wouldn't? If it isn't kids making you want to pull your hair out, its your job or whatever else. Take a breather. You matter. Your health (physical or spiritual) matters. Your kids won't remind you when they are 30 that you used to skip out of bed time every Tuesday night to go binge watch episodes of Friends in your car alone. (Yes, I do that.)
2. I cannot get burnt out on other peoples' opinions. Whether its opinions on parenting, church doctrine, friendships, political stances, education, money, nutrition, jobs, and the list GOES ON AND ON AND ON. We all have the regular people's social media posts we cringe at, or who's comments during church lessons give you the worst cases of anxiety. I know I can't be the only one who encounters this.
Oh okay, you are more educated than me, I get it. You have more money than me, I get it. You have more kids than me, I get it. You are older than me so you must know best - I GET IT. But guess what?! When it comes to MY family and MY children and MY marriage - during those times, with Heavenly Father's help, I know what is best. I cannot let myself get sucked up in other people's opinions. I am sure a lot of the unsolicited advice is good stuff. I always listen. It is respectful to listen to others, and once in a while, the advice is solid. However, listening and taking what is needed from it, it much different than letting it turn into Satan telling you that you are doing everything wrong. I have learned so many times this year, that turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for help has always steered me in a better direction than a random blog post or instagram celebrity's opinion. (See what I did there?! My blabbering on my blog might not be anywhere near what you need or are looking for.. So turn to God instead!) At the end of the day, if my kids eat candy for dinner, so what? If there is some new article by a well educated fellow on the mistakes of the church, so what? If your friend from high school has a boat, a plane, a mansion, and an island.. so what!? I am sure there are people picking apart this post's vocabulary, grammar, ideas, and blah blah.. The best part is that I don't care even a little bit. Cards on the table, this blog is for me. It helps me. If people enjoy reading it, then great. When you start to obsess over other people's lives and opinions, I promise it will do nothing but hinder your growth and progression in every way.
3. The blame game mixed with the "what if's" is the stupidest game. Truthfully, its not anyone else's fault that I was depressed. My husband leaving his dirty socks everywhere is not the root of all evil and the reason I spiraled. It maybe didn't help the situation (pick them up babe!!) but it is not the reason I hit a wall of depression. Constantly cleaning the house or making meals is not the reason I stopped smiling. Listening to my kids scream at me for moving their princess dolls from the kitchen chair to the couch didn't poison my spirit. What if we never left AZ and moved to UT? We wouldn't be in anywhere near the credit card debt we are in now. That move set us back years financially and we ended up coming back here anyway. What was the point? What if we never would have made the incredible family memories while living there? At least it wouldn't be painful to think about them now. What if I never would have found the handful of life long friends who I miss terribly all.the.time.? Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to think about them and miss them. What if my husband stayed in school and became a doctor like we planned? We definitely wouldn't have had to endure all the traveling and stress of single parenting that we have for months at a time. We would have more money and more freedom now to make more great memories with our kids. Disneyland, weekend beach trips, days on the lake, impromptu getaways..
"HOLD ON.... WHAT AM I SAYING?!" I kid you not, this little voice thundered in my head saying this to me the last time I played this game. Good hell Bethany, none of that crap is going to change anything. You can't fix depression with things. You can't become immune to heartache because you don't have debt looming over your head. You can't constantly obsess over the choices you've made in the past and how they are effecting you now. The only person who is cheering you on for picking apart your entire life to find faults and long for the greener grass - is the adversary.
Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He has a plan for all his children. My faith in that may get blurred at times, but I always come back to it. We are never abandoned. We are never alone unless we choose to be. I don't now, and never will believe that life is just a collection of coincidences. I have witnessed too many miracles to buy into that perspective. We have Heavenly parents who are constantly rooting for us. Jesus Christ offered HIS LIFE FOR OURS. There is nothing They do not understand. There is nothing you feel that They haven't. Life is so hard, but it is so so beautiful. I have been through so much in my short life, and will continue trudging through the trials because as annoying as this constantly repeated saying is..
I truly am grateful for my trials. They make me a better person, and they bring me closer to my Savior.
We. Got. This.
I don't believe there is any better word to describe the last couple weeks for me. I feel like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon. OKAY, more like a neutral colored moth.. possibly even the kind that digs holes into the ground until they are ready to become an adult - rather than the fancier ones that form cocoons. Either way, I have emerged.
If you have read any of the other blog posts I have written after moving back to Arizona, I've obviously dragged you into my depression hole as well. I maybe should apologize for that, but I won't. BECAUSE (wait for it..) I know somehow my experiences help others. I couldn't have been the only person suffering from postpartum issues, insecurities, trials, the list goes on. If my temporary misfortune can help someone else work through theirs, I am willing to endure it.
I am pleased to report that I no longer want to lay in my bed every minute of my life and guzzle pints of The Tonight Dough. HAVE ANY OF YOU TRIED THAT BEN & JERRY'S FLAVOR?! Holy. Crap. It is the best ice cream EVER. I fell in love with it and I have at least an extra eight pounds of super cute butt dimples to prove it. JK, you'll never know if thats true.. Really though, I don't know what specifically threw me into the black hole emotional spiral, but it happened and it was rough. I didn't recognize myself at all. I tried so many different things to try and pull myself out, but I have learned through this process - I had to let it run its course. It is the only thing that worked for me. I am no doctor, and my advice might be horrible for another person - but it worked for me.
Sparing all of the nasty TMI details of my spiritual/emotional journey, I learned three very important things.
1. Even if you think your family is the root of your stress and depression - they aren't. Being a mother is excruciating at times. It is okay to admit that. I promise you won't be struck by lightening or shunned by your peers. If you are, then they aren't worth the time and effort anyway. I had moments this past year when I thought, had I made choices differently, my life might be "easier" at this point. If I didn't get pregnant when I was 18, I could have gone to college. If I didn't get married because of said pregnancy, I wouldn't have had to go through the pain of divorce. I could have traveled the world, never gotten into any debt, frolicked in meadows or who knows, maybe met a vampire and lived happily ever after without needing to sleep ever again. Maybe I never would have given myself ulcers over paying bills, or driven myself crazy from lack of sleep..
But then there was this quick minute about a month ago, when the rain was falling outside and all of my kids were dancing together, laughing and squealing - not yelling or arguing or crying - and I was overcome with this fierce pride and insanely rededicated love for my life and the people in it. I think that as a parent, my entire existence will be made up of these kinds of moments. Over and over I will feel pushed to the limit of what I think I can handle, then I will be pushed a little more, but then these amazing few seconds of clarity will wash over me. I will be reminded of how precious my life is. I will be reminded that I have people who rely on me. I will be reminded of the HUGE amount of faith I need to have each day to make it through the hard stuff. I will take immense pride in watching my children laugh together for as long or as short as it may be - because Heavenly Father trusts me. He trusts me to be their mom, their example for everything, their teacher, their cheerleader, their friend, their confidant.. Right now, I am everything to them. It may change when they are older, but hopefully its a cycle and comes back to a time where I will be important to them again. I have to believe that I am making a positive impact on their lives.. or why keep working so hard?! It is okay to need a break. Who wouldn't? If it isn't kids making you want to pull your hair out, its your job or whatever else. Take a breather. You matter. Your health (physical or spiritual) matters. Your kids won't remind you when they are 30 that you used to skip out of bed time every Tuesday night to go binge watch episodes of Friends in your car alone. (Yes, I do that.)
2. I cannot get burnt out on other peoples' opinions. Whether its opinions on parenting, church doctrine, friendships, political stances, education, money, nutrition, jobs, and the list GOES ON AND ON AND ON. We all have the regular people's social media posts we cringe at, or who's comments during church lessons give you the worst cases of anxiety. I know I can't be the only one who encounters this.
Oh okay, you are more educated than me, I get it. You have more money than me, I get it. You have more kids than me, I get it. You are older than me so you must know best - I GET IT. But guess what?! When it comes to MY family and MY children and MY marriage - during those times, with Heavenly Father's help, I know what is best. I cannot let myself get sucked up in other people's opinions. I am sure a lot of the unsolicited advice is good stuff. I always listen. It is respectful to listen to others, and once in a while, the advice is solid. However, listening and taking what is needed from it, it much different than letting it turn into Satan telling you that you are doing everything wrong. I have learned so many times this year, that turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for help has always steered me in a better direction than a random blog post or instagram celebrity's opinion. (See what I did there?! My blabbering on my blog might not be anywhere near what you need or are looking for.. So turn to God instead!) At the end of the day, if my kids eat candy for dinner, so what? If there is some new article by a well educated fellow on the mistakes of the church, so what? If your friend from high school has a boat, a plane, a mansion, and an island.. so what!? I am sure there are people picking apart this post's vocabulary, grammar, ideas, and blah blah.. The best part is that I don't care even a little bit. Cards on the table, this blog is for me. It helps me. If people enjoy reading it, then great. When you start to obsess over other people's lives and opinions, I promise it will do nothing but hinder your growth and progression in every way.
3. The blame game mixed with the "what if's" is the stupidest game. Truthfully, its not anyone else's fault that I was depressed. My husband leaving his dirty socks everywhere is not the root of all evil and the reason I spiraled. It maybe didn't help the situation (pick them up babe!!) but it is not the reason I hit a wall of depression. Constantly cleaning the house or making meals is not the reason I stopped smiling. Listening to my kids scream at me for moving their princess dolls from the kitchen chair to the couch didn't poison my spirit. What if we never left AZ and moved to UT? We wouldn't be in anywhere near the credit card debt we are in now. That move set us back years financially and we ended up coming back here anyway. What was the point? What if we never would have made the incredible family memories while living there? At least it wouldn't be painful to think about them now. What if I never would have found the handful of life long friends who I miss terribly all.the.time.? Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to think about them and miss them. What if my husband stayed in school and became a doctor like we planned? We definitely wouldn't have had to endure all the traveling and stress of single parenting that we have for months at a time. We would have more money and more freedom now to make more great memories with our kids. Disneyland, weekend beach trips, days on the lake, impromptu getaways..
"HOLD ON.... WHAT AM I SAYING?!" I kid you not, this little voice thundered in my head saying this to me the last time I played this game. Good hell Bethany, none of that crap is going to change anything. You can't fix depression with things. You can't become immune to heartache because you don't have debt looming over your head. You can't constantly obsess over the choices you've made in the past and how they are effecting you now. The only person who is cheering you on for picking apart your entire life to find faults and long for the greener grass - is the adversary.
Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He has a plan for all his children. My faith in that may get blurred at times, but I always come back to it. We are never abandoned. We are never alone unless we choose to be. I don't now, and never will believe that life is just a collection of coincidences. I have witnessed too many miracles to buy into that perspective. We have Heavenly parents who are constantly rooting for us. Jesus Christ offered HIS LIFE FOR OURS. There is nothing They do not understand. There is nothing you feel that They haven't. Life is so hard, but it is so so beautiful. I have been through so much in my short life, and will continue trudging through the trials because as annoying as this constantly repeated saying is..
I truly am grateful for my trials. They make me a better person, and they bring me closer to my Savior.
We. Got. This.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
You are SO enough!
You are enough.
YOU are ENOUGH.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!
If you ever see me through out the day and you think I am a complete crazy person talking to myself - well, you are right. I say these three words (with the addition of an air fist pump or two for added effect) DAILY.
I have never been a woman bubbling over with self confidence. Do those magical unicorn women exist?! Maybe. I haven't met one yet but crazier things have happened. I struggle constantly with insecurities and fears.
Am I educated enough? (high school diploma is at least under my belt)
Am I pretty enough? (I felt like I was when I was 20)
Am I skinny enough? (Three of my four kids I had in less than five years so draw your own conclusion)
Am I gentle enough? (*throat clear*)
Am I patient enough? (aaaaaanother no)
Will I ever stop having to budget every single second of my family's life to the very last penny each month?! (oh man, I hope so)
Does Satan break me down to nothing EVERY SINGLE DAY?! Hell yes he does, and I have to find a way to change it.
Most of my posts on here have been pretty personal. I know I don't have a huge audience reading them so maybe that is why I am brave enough to write it all down. Either way, I know there are women out there who fight the negative effects of Satan's stupid face everyday and can relate to my feelings. This is for YOU. You deserve all the flowers, all the high fives, all the bear hugs, all the chocolates, sodas and french fries you want. Or I guess giant salads full of veggies and stuff if thats your thing.
When you have done your fifth load of laundry on a Monday.
When your fourth kid in a two week span has gotten the stomach flu and you are once again wiping up vomit off of your pants and down your shirt.
When you have swept the kitchen floor for the hundredth time since breakfast and its only lunch time.
When you own an evil magic sink that replicates the dirty dishes every time you empty it. Seriously though, how do these dishes keep getting in there when no one has been eating anything?!
When it seems like everyone around you is more successful, patient, loving- and yet you can't seem to get your shiz together long enough in the mornings to shove food in your kids mouths before school starts.
When another person judges you for the decisions you make on how many kids you will have. Yes, we have chosen a permanent method of birth control.. why are you so concerned about my husbands sperm count?!
When you mention you've been divorced before and the entire room goes silent. (Does that just happen to me?!)
When your husband gets home from work and you know its really reeeeeeally important to shave your legs and wash your hair for the first time this week so he isn't totally repulsed later when its time to "cuddle".
When some days are just SO hard. On days it feels like you are barely keeping your head above water while juggling a million things (half of which don't need to be weighing you down)
These are the days when you need to let go. These are the days where you need to figure out what is most important and be okay with only getting those things done. Some days it may only be one thing you accomplish successfully and ITS ALL GOOD! Being a mom is tough stuff. It is beautiful and wonderful, but it is HARD.
Am I a master at this? Of letting go and loosening the reigns of control on life? HAHA! Not at all. I am the psycho who is tirelessly cleaning my kitchen after dinner instead of going out back with my kids to play tag. I am the mom who raises my voice multiple times a day at my little babies for the dumbest reasons. I am the wife who is nagging my husband about things he did that "ruined my day" - such as leaving his dirty socks on the floor. (I MEAN COME ON BETH, just pick them up and serve him. They are just a pair of dirty socks not a festering pile of rat poop) I make mistakes everyday. I fall to my knees and repent every. single. night. and then still make mistakes the next day.
The point I am trying to make here is that I am enough. YOU are enough. If you are trying each day to be better, you are enough! The Lord knows your heart. He understands the immense love you have for your children and He knows they are in good hands. He chose you to be their mother. He brought you and your husband together to raise these babies because YOU BOTH are the best people for the job. So give yourself a freaking high five and keep pushing along.
You got this.
YOU are ENOUGH.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!
If you ever see me through out the day and you think I am a complete crazy person talking to myself - well, you are right. I say these three words (with the addition of an air fist pump or two for added effect) DAILY.
I have never been a woman bubbling over with self confidence. Do those magical unicorn women exist?! Maybe. I haven't met one yet but crazier things have happened. I struggle constantly with insecurities and fears.
Am I educated enough? (high school diploma is at least under my belt)
Am I pretty enough? (I felt like I was when I was 20)
Am I skinny enough? (Three of my four kids I had in less than five years so draw your own conclusion)
Am I gentle enough? (*throat clear*)
Am I patient enough? (aaaaaanother no)
Will I ever stop having to budget every single second of my family's life to the very last penny each month?! (oh man, I hope so)
Does Satan break me down to nothing EVERY SINGLE DAY?! Hell yes he does, and I have to find a way to change it.
Most of my posts on here have been pretty personal. I know I don't have a huge audience reading them so maybe that is why I am brave enough to write it all down. Either way, I know there are women out there who fight the negative effects of Satan's stupid face everyday and can relate to my feelings. This is for YOU. You deserve all the flowers, all the high fives, all the bear hugs, all the chocolates, sodas and french fries you want. Or I guess giant salads full of veggies and stuff if thats your thing.
When you have done your fifth load of laundry on a Monday.
When your fourth kid in a two week span has gotten the stomach flu and you are once again wiping up vomit off of your pants and down your shirt.
When you have swept the kitchen floor for the hundredth time since breakfast and its only lunch time.
When you own an evil magic sink that replicates the dirty dishes every time you empty it. Seriously though, how do these dishes keep getting in there when no one has been eating anything?!
When it seems like everyone around you is more successful, patient, loving- and yet you can't seem to get your shiz together long enough in the mornings to shove food in your kids mouths before school starts.
When another person judges you for the decisions you make on how many kids you will have. Yes, we have chosen a permanent method of birth control.. why are you so concerned about my husbands sperm count?!
When you mention you've been divorced before and the entire room goes silent. (Does that just happen to me?!)
When your husband gets home from work and you know its really reeeeeeally important to shave your legs and wash your hair for the first time this week so he isn't totally repulsed later when its time to "cuddle".
When some days are just SO hard. On days it feels like you are barely keeping your head above water while juggling a million things (half of which don't need to be weighing you down)
These are the days when you need to let go. These are the days where you need to figure out what is most important and be okay with only getting those things done. Some days it may only be one thing you accomplish successfully and ITS ALL GOOD! Being a mom is tough stuff. It is beautiful and wonderful, but it is HARD.
Am I a master at this? Of letting go and loosening the reigns of control on life? HAHA! Not at all. I am the psycho who is tirelessly cleaning my kitchen after dinner instead of going out back with my kids to play tag. I am the mom who raises my voice multiple times a day at my little babies for the dumbest reasons. I am the wife who is nagging my husband about things he did that "ruined my day" - such as leaving his dirty socks on the floor. (I MEAN COME ON BETH, just pick them up and serve him. They are just a pair of dirty socks not a festering pile of rat poop) I make mistakes everyday. I fall to my knees and repent every. single. night. and then still make mistakes the next day.
The point I am trying to make here is that I am enough. YOU are enough. If you are trying each day to be better, you are enough! The Lord knows your heart. He understands the immense love you have for your children and He knows they are in good hands. He chose you to be their mother. He brought you and your husband together to raise these babies because YOU BOTH are the best people for the job. So give yourself a freaking high five and keep pushing along.
You got this.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
When you do your part, the Lord adds power to your efforts.
I have written and deleted at least five posts since my last one. I have sat back for a long time, staying quiet and doing my best to keep the waters calm. For the last few weeks, every single time I have looked at my phone I have seen something that has lit me on fire, sent me straight to tears, or caused me to hang my head and have my entire day ruined. I am tired of it, and I refuse to let it happen anymore.
Mormons. We sure are getting a lot of flack in the social media world lately, eh?! Really, I haven't seen one positive article, blog post or comment on Facebook about the LDS church in .... EVER?! Maybe a little dramatic, but pretty accurate. Facebook is the worst anyway. Buuuuuuut that is a rant for a different day!
I guess what I am trying to say here is that I am exhausted of hearing about how "awful" I am. I say "I", because I am a Mormon. "I" am a member of the church. "I" am associated with any and all negativity that people see in our religion. There are some topics that if I hear about one more time, I really might sell every possession I own and move my family to a secret underground bunker - never to associate with another human being ever again. (Drama drama, I know)
I am not sure why the fire is so hot when people first decide to leave the church. It always fades with time and they never seem to attack you (every second until you crumble into the fetal position and beg them to leave you alone) forever - but man, the year or two after the initial break is BRUTAL. I personally have dealt with a lot of anger lately in regards to articles, posts and comments about Mormons. I think I am just getting to the point now where my inner bear is coming out and I am ready to FIGHT. I have thought that "taking the high road" in all of this meant to shut my mouth, scroll past the crap online and keep my head down -- after all, Jesus loves everyone and so should we. UHHH WRONG. Jesus does love everyone. But He also turned over tables and kicked the money changers out of His temple.
WE are expected to stand up for ourselves. WE are expected to continue sharing our testimonies. WE must shine light on all of the GOOD that Mormons do in the world.. Because right now, no one is seeing that. There is so much negativity being portrayed onto us. I am being called a bigot because some random person across the world who happens to be Mormon too, has disowned his child for being a homosexual. I mean - thats kind of ridiculous right? Yes, I believe marriage (and all activities that follow) should be between a man and a woman. I believe in God and that is what He has said. If He visits me in a vision or writes another book of scripture saying that isn't the case anymore - then we will revisit the topic at a later date. Does that mean I am disrespectful or hate anyone who thinks opposite of me?! No, it doesn't. It is possible to live different lives and still be loving and compassionate. It is possible to leave the church and not spend every waking second of your days trying to pull others with you. It is possible to love, and to lift one another ALWAYS - if the mutual parties can set religious arguments aside. This scenario is what I like to label as a "pipe dream". Call me pessimistic, but it will never happen. I have yet to witness mutual respect from both sides of a disagreement. We as humans are too passionate, too consumed in our own biases to accomplish this.
So what CAN we do? We can stop being quiet and we can start speaking up. Now, please do not misinterpret this for some call to action resulting in anger, harsh words or violence. What I am saying is this - if you feel strongly that you need to stand up for your Father in Heaven or your Savior Jesus Christ, DO IT. If you feel like you need to share your testimony about Joseph Smith, DO IT. Yes, he made mistakes - but so have you, so have I, so has every apostle and prophet since the beginning of time. We are human. We are flawed. Share that scripture you read that touched your heart. Roll down your windows and let those church hymns fill the ears of those around you at the red light. Tell the next pair of missionaries you see how grateful you are for all the sacrifices they are making. Don't argue in anger with someone you love over a church debate. Stand up for what you know is right, but do not belittle or tear down.
I can't begin to convey all the good that Mormons do in the world. There are many times when the church has been the first responder to a natural disaster, terrorist attack or tragedy. There are men and women every week who upon dropping youth off after an activity, sit and listen to the trials and heartaches that they are facing. Leaders who sacrifice time with their own families to lift and strengthen other families around them. Bishops who carry the weight of the world constantly. Women who juggle all of their kids, while tending to other families in the ward who need a helping hand. I remember days when my husband was out of town for months at a time, I was pregnant and deathly ill, juggling my own kids and home - when I would get a prompting to deliver a meal or some other service for someone else. I could have ignored it and not one person would have condemned me for doing so. I had SO much on my plate. Instead, I listened and lifted someone else's burden. The gospel of Jesus Christ and my membership in the Mormon church has taught me to seek out and serve others. Always. I love that. I love the values and principles and GOODNESS that lies within the church and I love being a part of it. Do not waste time worrying what other people think of you. Do not waste time wishing you had more of this or less of that. Spend your time on things that will have a lasting effect on your progression in life and the strengthening of your spirit.
I wish I could change what is being seen in social media lately. I wish that people could hear the good. I wish they could see and understand where so many hearts are and how much we love them. I wish there weren't people constantly attacking and ripping apart Mormons. It will be this way forever. We will always face opposition and most of the time we won't be seen for the good we do. I am here to tell you that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you and are proud of what you do to defend the gospel. At the end of the day, Their opinions are the only ones that matter. Do everything you can to shine a positive light on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you only change one person's mind -- it is well in the eyes of the Lord.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
A Bit of Welcomed Clarity
My last post was pretty bummer, right?! I imagine most people didn't love reading it and the depressing tone might have not been the best thing to hear during the Christmas season. But guess what?! I don't write fake blog posts or pretend to be something I am not sooooooo THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!
On a lighter note today though - I have had a few "a-ha" moments since then and fortunately for all of us, this post will have a little more positivity to it.
The theme of most of my posts is about how awesome the gospel is and how incredibly great Christ is in my life. This post will follow suit. I truly cannot (and probably will not) ever be able to comprehend how people believe in the goodness and pure love of Christ and our Heavenly Father, and then abandon it on a whim. I see it all the time and it baffles me. I feel like one of those silly old ladies who just tells everyone "I will pray for you" in response to every single thing they hear. BUT IT IS SO ME and I am totally okay with it!! I have been focusing my prayers lately on others. I have thrown what little energy I have left at the end of the day into fine tuning my prayers into the will of the Lord rather than my own. It is SO hard.
I am still trying to navigate all these changes my family has been through. I truly have no idea why God wanted us in this area. It was very apparent that this was where we were supposed to be. I don't always get strong answers to prayers or even good feelings about things that I pray about.. I believe that free agency is one of the most important parts of this life and I know the Lord trusts me to make a good decision. This house and this neighborhood was one of those few times when I really did get a spiritual confirmation that we should be here. I didn't fall in love with the house. It doesn't feel like home at all.. I am sure it will get there eventually but right now its all foreign and kind of uncomfortable. Obviously I am thankful to have a roof over my head.. Please do not mistake my words for ungratefulness. However, my mindset after feeling so good about moving in here and about how awesome it was going to be, kind of felt like this after we settled in ----- >
I feel like my kids are the only one who make a peep during sacrament meeting. We spilled an entire tupperware of cheerios last week and I am pretty sure the bishopric in the very front of the chapel heard every last one hit the floor! I figured that if the Lord wanted us here then there would be an abundance of kids on our street for my girls because that is the only blessing I PLEADED FOR. There had to be a forever friend for me who I just meshed with, you know? There just had to be a very apparent reason off the bat for why He led us in this direction. WELL, none of that has happened yet. I don't have any friends here. I think I have maybe talked to two women so far who are around my age (or any age) and have younger-ish kids. Actually maybe just one.. The other person I talked to said I was "just a baby". COME ON. I have been divorced once and am almost 29 now with four kids. I think that at least gives me a few extra years of wisdom to tack onto my resume. Will people ever stop saying how young I am? I don't feel young. I feel like a burnt out 100 year old granny. I am stiff when I get out of bed every morning. I can't get through a workout without a major caffeine boost.. I fall asleep by 10 o'clock every night and binge watching Netflix with some frozen yogurt feels like a hoppin' party to me. I AM OLD ENOUGH OKAY?!
My point is - I feel like I need to align my will with the will of God at this point. Instead of focusing so insanely on what is supposed to make ME happy by living here, maybe I need to focus on the other reasons why HE wants me here. Maybe I will have a church calling that influences someone's life in a positive way. Maybe I will meet a random neighbor who needs my service once in a while.. Although that seems unlikely since every time I see anyone outside they completely ignore me HAHA! Maybe there is some mom who will move into the neighborhood three years from now and be my BFF. OR MAYBE IT ISN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL! There are about a million or so different reasons why we were directed here by Heavenly Father. I need to be open and willing to understand those reasons and do what He needs me to do. It is way too easy to cloud up my heart and mind on a daily basis and completely miss the promptings and gentle nudges He gives me. I have made the choice to focus my energy on HIS will instead of my own. I pray that it brings a little more clarity and understanding to where my life is right now. People argue that "sometimes that is just the way life is.. there isn't always a reason for the things you go through". I call BS and I call it loud!! I believe wholeheartedly that every single day.. every single moment of my life is directed and given to me for a specific purpose. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know He is mindful of me. I know that He wants me to live with him again someday and He is teaching me everything I need to know to get there. Call me crazy if you want - but my conviction of the gospel is fierce, man!
There are good people everywhere. It might take a couple years to feel comfortable here and make lasting connections with people. In the big picture, a year or two is nothing. I can't sit around and wait for all of these blessings I long for to just plop into my lap. I have to do all I can first in order for the Lord to bless me and help with the things I need. It is really easy to think I deserve the world when I am following the commandments. That isn't really how it works.. and truthfully, that isn't ever how I want it to be. I want to know that I have done all I can to make my life as meaningful as I can. I want Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to accept me with open arms and be proud of who I am. I have MILES UPON MILES to go.. but that is the true beauty of it all, isn't it?!
"As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives." - Jeffrey R Holland
On a lighter note today though - I have had a few "a-ha" moments since then and fortunately for all of us, this post will have a little more positivity to it.
The theme of most of my posts is about how awesome the gospel is and how incredibly great Christ is in my life. This post will follow suit. I truly cannot (and probably will not) ever be able to comprehend how people believe in the goodness and pure love of Christ and our Heavenly Father, and then abandon it on a whim. I see it all the time and it baffles me. I feel like one of those silly old ladies who just tells everyone "I will pray for you" in response to every single thing they hear. BUT IT IS SO ME and I am totally okay with it!! I have been focusing my prayers lately on others. I have thrown what little energy I have left at the end of the day into fine tuning my prayers into the will of the Lord rather than my own. It is SO hard.
I am still trying to navigate all these changes my family has been through. I truly have no idea why God wanted us in this area. It was very apparent that this was where we were supposed to be. I don't always get strong answers to prayers or even good feelings about things that I pray about.. I believe that free agency is one of the most important parts of this life and I know the Lord trusts me to make a good decision. This house and this neighborhood was one of those few times when I really did get a spiritual confirmation that we should be here. I didn't fall in love with the house. It doesn't feel like home at all.. I am sure it will get there eventually but right now its all foreign and kind of uncomfortable. Obviously I am thankful to have a roof over my head.. Please do not mistake my words for ungratefulness. However, my mindset after feeling so good about moving in here and about how awesome it was going to be, kind of felt like this after we settled in ----- >
I feel like my kids are the only one who make a peep during sacrament meeting. We spilled an entire tupperware of cheerios last week and I am pretty sure the bishopric in the very front of the chapel heard every last one hit the floor! I figured that if the Lord wanted us here then there would be an abundance of kids on our street for my girls because that is the only blessing I PLEADED FOR. There had to be a forever friend for me who I just meshed with, you know? There just had to be a very apparent reason off the bat for why He led us in this direction. WELL, none of that has happened yet. I don't have any friends here. I think I have maybe talked to two women so far who are around my age (or any age) and have younger-ish kids. Actually maybe just one.. The other person I talked to said I was "just a baby". COME ON. I have been divorced once and am almost 29 now with four kids. I think that at least gives me a few extra years of wisdom to tack onto my resume. Will people ever stop saying how young I am? I don't feel young. I feel like a burnt out 100 year old granny. I am stiff when I get out of bed every morning. I can't get through a workout without a major caffeine boost.. I fall asleep by 10 o'clock every night and binge watching Netflix with some frozen yogurt feels like a hoppin' party to me. I AM OLD ENOUGH OKAY?!
My point is - I feel like I need to align my will with the will of God at this point. Instead of focusing so insanely on what is supposed to make ME happy by living here, maybe I need to focus on the other reasons why HE wants me here. Maybe I will have a church calling that influences someone's life in a positive way. Maybe I will meet a random neighbor who needs my service once in a while.. Although that seems unlikely since every time I see anyone outside they completely ignore me HAHA! Maybe there is some mom who will move into the neighborhood three years from now and be my BFF. OR MAYBE IT ISN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL! There are about a million or so different reasons why we were directed here by Heavenly Father. I need to be open and willing to understand those reasons and do what He needs me to do. It is way too easy to cloud up my heart and mind on a daily basis and completely miss the promptings and gentle nudges He gives me. I have made the choice to focus my energy on HIS will instead of my own. I pray that it brings a little more clarity and understanding to where my life is right now. People argue that "sometimes that is just the way life is.. there isn't always a reason for the things you go through". I call BS and I call it loud!! I believe wholeheartedly that every single day.. every single moment of my life is directed and given to me for a specific purpose. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know He is mindful of me. I know that He wants me to live with him again someday and He is teaching me everything I need to know to get there. Call me crazy if you want - but my conviction of the gospel is fierce, man!
There are good people everywhere. It might take a couple years to feel comfortable here and make lasting connections with people. In the big picture, a year or two is nothing. I can't sit around and wait for all of these blessings I long for to just plop into my lap. I have to do all I can first in order for the Lord to bless me and help with the things I need. It is really easy to think I deserve the world when I am following the commandments. That isn't really how it works.. and truthfully, that isn't ever how I want it to be. I want to know that I have done all I can to make my life as meaningful as I can. I want Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to accept me with open arms and be proud of who I am. I have MILES UPON MILES to go.. but that is the true beauty of it all, isn't it?!
"As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives." - Jeffrey R Holland
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Fa La La La La
IT IS DECEMBER! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!
That is a depiction of what I wish I felt like right now. On a typical December, I am legitimately the happiest person on the planet. Christmas is a beautiful, wonderful, magical time and I soak up every second of it. I mean, a few weeks of the year when a majority of humans are selflessly kind ON PURPOSE?! You can't deny that being a beautiful thing. Am I right or am I right!?
Right now I would give every possession I own, every luxury I enjoy - to feel even a spark of that happiness.
I have always had a difficult time understanding depression. I was never able to sympathize well or have a solid amount of patience for people going through it. I don't think I was intentionally being harsh or ignorant about it, but I remember saying (often) to myself and my husband - "Why can't they just make the choice and be happy? Just snap out of it and put a smile on your face!"
*FACE PALM*
For the record, chanting "buck up and be happy" over and over does not work. I can say that with confidence. I will be the first to admit that I was entirely uneducated and really insensitive. I am fairly certain that the Lord is putting me through this trial to correct my prideful attitude and help me to understand depression and the support that is needed for people to get through it.
I have had insane amounts of scary feelings since having Tess. I suppose it started out as postpartum depression but I feel like its sticking around too long to continue with that label. The flame went in and out for months after she was born. Some days I would feel like a super hero, and others I was in the depths of the lowest lows. The pond scum. I remember one week in particular where I really never left my room. I couldn't force myself out of bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone. If the door bell rang or I got a text, I felt as though I would rather drink a barf smoothie than answer it. The cloud seemed to lift for a bit, and then we got a quick and powerful answer to a prayer and decided to move back home to AZ. I wish it was easier to hold onto the good feeling from an answered prayer when things felt this dark.
If there was ever a time in my life that I underestimated an outcome, it was then. I was completely naive about the heartache, pain and despair that I would feel after moving. I assume that squishing in with my parents for six weeks probably didn't help. I had moved back in with them after my divorce, then again three years later when we sold our house, and now I was back AGAIN. I am truly thankful that we had their home to live in all of those times, but that doesn't mean it was easy. Tess decided to stop napping, sleeping through the night, and smiling when we left Utah and really hasn't made any progress in a positive direction yet. Let me tell you right now, when you have three more kids to love and play with everyday and your baby is never giving you a second to breathe, it is a recipe for a hell fest. Juggling that with insane body image issues and fleeting self worth has proven to be too much. I pray quietly and shamefully for time to pass as fast as possible. This has been the most excruciating and emotionally draining year I have experienced. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I know what some of you are thinking - fussy baby and a move to another state. "WHOOP DEE DOO!" Maybe you are right. I know there are people going through a lot of scary stuff that might tower mine in comparison. But you know what? This right now, this is scary for ME. The feelings I have everyday, the fight I put up with myself to get out of bed every morning and get through another day - it is terrifying. The anxiety that consumes me every Sunday when I am supposed to go to church is unreal. I mean, yeah.. I have been nervous in the past to be in a new place. However, this is an entirely new kind of nervous. It handicaps me to the point of giving up my opportunity to partake of the sacrament or feel the Spirit from a lesson because I am too emotionally out of it to go. The first two weeks after we had moved from my parents and into our new place, I left sacrament meeting a few minutes in because I couldn't stop crying. I don't typically cry like this. Maybe when I watch a good episode of Friday Night Lights for the fifth time - but not every single damn day of my life. Not one person said hello to me, or honestly even looked in my direction. There is maybe 1/4 the amount of kids that I am used to seeing in a ward. Until this afternoon, no one even stopped by my home. I haven't met anyone in the bishopric. When I moved to Utah, I had at least five neighbors at my door within a couple hours of pulling up. It is just different. Everything is so different. It has been so hard not to feel forgotten.
I get to this place in my mind where I feel like I have no one there for me. I have barely heard from my friends in Utah and for a while I was taking it really hard. I was hurt and frustrated and wondering why I was so upset about leaving people that obviously didn't care to send me a text once in a while to see how I was holding up.. I mean, my life was turned upside down in a matter of days and we barely even got to say decent goodbyes. I have realized though, that I can't let my mind or my heart go there. That was 100% Satan trying to drag down any last bit of light I had left... and he succeeded. Thankfully I was able to take a step back and realize that life is crazy for everyone. We are all so hyper focused on our own kids, marriage, lives, etc., that sometimes it feels impossible to think of anything else. I get that way too, and I needed to be more compassionate and understanding of others doing the same thing. I know they love me! Once I am in a better place mentally, I will be the one to connect and check in more often.. it is just a cycle. I think the hardest part was when you add in my kids coming to me in tears regularly about missing their home, friends, schools, ward, parks, grass, dirt, grocery stores, snow (and every other thing you could imagine) - my heart was just completely crushed to nothing. I have to remember that every negative feeling comes from Satan so he just needs to leave me and my family the hell alone. I am trying to figure that out. I am working so hard to recognize the feelings that sprout from the adversary. I fail miserably (almost daily), but I am still trying.
Truthfully, the only thing I have learned so far, is that I need to focus hard on my blessings. I need to say prayers full of gratitude. I have to take baby steps and just find one small moment of light in every one of my days. That is attainable. I have to believe that. I can find some smidgen of goodness - one second to smile. I am hoping it will create a snowball effect and result in more than one a day. Last night we were able to leave the baby with my sister and take the older kids to see the Zoo Lights. It was the best couple hours we have had since we moved home. The girls were so happy. You could see the true joy in their eyes the entire time we were there. They laughed, they smiled ... they got along SO WELL. I danced with them to the Christmas music in the middle of the pathway, crowded with people and just let go of everything. I let go of the pain. I let go of the hurt and the loneliness. For those few precious moments, I felt happiness. A weight was lifted from me and it is something I can't even explain. I truly believe that my Savior was there in that perfect moment to lift the crushing sadness that has consumed me for the last couple months. I needed that quiet clarity more than ever. I am so thankful to believe in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I cannot imagine going through what I am now without Them, and without the gospel. I am making short strides to a stronger, more peaceful heart - and for that I am eternally grateful.
Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, 10 we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind. - Jeffrey R Holland
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Cultivating Gratitude
I have been thinking for a few weeks what I could write about when I decided to get back on social media. I feel like my mind had a billion ideas and observations throughout the last few weeks but I couldn't hone in on one and really feel good about it. I was hanging out with a good friend the other night and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. Gratitude! BAM! I have never felt more humbled and thankful for my life and the direction we are heading as a family.. I truly feel like I owe that entirely to my social media hiatus.
I know some people do not struggle with this, and I tip my hat to you. However, social media has a way of making me feel like I am not far enough in my life financially, educationally, physically, blah blah blah. Obviously I have some insecurities and the internet makes them 100x worse. It leaves me longing for things that truly DO NOT MATTER. That house with the decked out giant laundry room, I want it so bad. The buff chick wearing a tank top and showing off her gloriously toned, tan arms - I need to look like that. Weird, something else is breaking on my car.. Ooo look right next to me is a brand new sparkly Tahoe! I bet their brakes don't sound like a freaking metal grinding circus show. You get what I am saying? Are you picking up what I am putting down?!
I find that when my life is drowning in social media waste land, I start to care more about material possessions. I begin to get whiney and negative about where I am in my life. I become ungrateful, prideful and just plain icky. I do not like myself when I act like that. My husband and kids don't deserve to be surrounded by my crap attitude about my life, especially over a damn laundry room sink. Am I right?!
I think when we are in the thick of our trials, it is really easy to become ungrateful. We get so absorbed and flooded with the crap we are trying to navigate through, that we lose sight of how blessed we are. I am 100% guilty of doing this. It is a very difficult habit to break! However, it is one of those things that we all need to figure out. I do believe with my whole heart that the Lord cares what we care about. He is mindful of us and is understands our struggles.
One night after moving to Arizona, I sat up in my old teenager bedroom and just had a pity party. I couldn't believe I was back in my parents house AGAIN with my family. I was stuffed into an upstairs of a house with too many kids and not enough space. I was living out of a box, my kids were off their rockers, and my husband was ALWAYS TRAVELING. Every time I left the house and drove anywhere, I was flooded with negative memories of my past. The gas station, the grocery store, the park, the school, etc etc. All I could think about were all the years of my life that I so badly want to forget sometimes - and I was being suffocated by them every single day. I was so frustrated that my husband had to find a new job and that it had to include traveling. It was just so hard to process all the decisions we had made the last couple years and try to find any positive outcomes from them. We had found a house, but it didn't have everything I wanted. Plus, the walls were tan. I am so sick of tan. I was boo-hooing over PAINT COLOR PEOPLE. I was so distraught and upset because I didn't have an extra $1600 to pay someone to come paint the entire interior of my home another color.
LIIIIIIIIIIKE, GIVE ME A BREAK RIGHT?!
I went to bed that night pissed off and feeling super sorry for myself. Of course I slept crappy and woke up angry. I snapped at my kids the second they walked in my room to say good morning, and thats when I knew that something had to seriously change. Since then, I have been brought to my knees and humbled over and over with prayers of gratitude. I have made a conscious effort to load my prayers with everything I am thankful for. I have made it a point to thank my kids and my husband for things I normally wouldn't. I have prayed in gratitude for the smallest itsy bitsy things that I usually take for granted. Let me tell you, my entire world has changed. I am overwhelmed with love from my Heavenly Father everyday. I have been able to recognize the Spirit more in my life and be able to discern what is a good way to spend my time and what isn't. I realized that I heard the phrase "MOM! LOOK! LOOK AT ME!" about 1000x less the last few weeks because I am not glued to my phone all day. My kids are happier! Truly! It was a really good time to shut off the social media. I remember logging onto Facebook to sell a few things on a yard sale site, and OF COURSE the first thing that pops up in my news feed is some drama about the church and all these people up in arms about baptism policies. HOLY MOLY PEOPLE. Get a grip. If you even for one second dropped to your knees and sincerely prayed for help to understand the things the church does - you wouldn't be feeling so confused and angry. Stop turning to social media outlets for answers to your questions. Stop being sucked into the nasty, hateful quicksand on the internet. I have had to pray so hard for love and compassion towards people lately. I am so tired of hearing about the Apostles (who I love and respect with all of my heart and soul) being trashed on the internet. Especially by people I am close to. Pretty much I just hate Facebook and wish it would die off like MySpace did. But that is a conversation for another day that I will probably never publish because I get way too worked up. My palms are already sweating and my heart is racing. The church is true, my testimony is solid and that isn't changing. I just wish people would try a little harder to stick with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ when times get tough. Everything you are and everything you have is given to you by a loving and compassionate Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. Giving them the benefit of the doubt when you don't entirely understand something at first, is the LEAST you can do.
The take away - if you are ever feeling like things are off in your life, try to stay off social media for a while. You don't have to be an extreme psycho like me and try to go 30 days.. but even a day or two. Reset your mind and pray a little extra. Cultivate gratitude! Tell people thank you for all of the little things you never think about or recognize when you are distracted. I can guarantee you that the result will be a little like this ...
I know some people do not struggle with this, and I tip my hat to you. However, social media has a way of making me feel like I am not far enough in my life financially, educationally, physically, blah blah blah. Obviously I have some insecurities and the internet makes them 100x worse. It leaves me longing for things that truly DO NOT MATTER. That house with the decked out giant laundry room, I want it so bad. The buff chick wearing a tank top and showing off her gloriously toned, tan arms - I need to look like that. Weird, something else is breaking on my car.. Ooo look right next to me is a brand new sparkly Tahoe! I bet their brakes don't sound like a freaking metal grinding circus show. You get what I am saying? Are you picking up what I am putting down?!
I find that when my life is drowning in social media waste land, I start to care more about material possessions. I begin to get whiney and negative about where I am in my life. I become ungrateful, prideful and just plain icky. I do not like myself when I act like that. My husband and kids don't deserve to be surrounded by my crap attitude about my life, especially over a damn laundry room sink. Am I right?!
I think when we are in the thick of our trials, it is really easy to become ungrateful. We get so absorbed and flooded with the crap we are trying to navigate through, that we lose sight of how blessed we are. I am 100% guilty of doing this. It is a very difficult habit to break! However, it is one of those things that we all need to figure out. I do believe with my whole heart that the Lord cares what we care about. He is mindful of us and is understands our struggles.
One night after moving to Arizona, I sat up in my old teenager bedroom and just had a pity party. I couldn't believe I was back in my parents house AGAIN with my family. I was stuffed into an upstairs of a house with too many kids and not enough space. I was living out of a box, my kids were off their rockers, and my husband was ALWAYS TRAVELING. Every time I left the house and drove anywhere, I was flooded with negative memories of my past. The gas station, the grocery store, the park, the school, etc etc. All I could think about were all the years of my life that I so badly want to forget sometimes - and I was being suffocated by them every single day. I was so frustrated that my husband had to find a new job and that it had to include traveling. It was just so hard to process all the decisions we had made the last couple years and try to find any positive outcomes from them. We had found a house, but it didn't have everything I wanted. Plus, the walls were tan. I am so sick of tan. I was boo-hooing over PAINT COLOR PEOPLE. I was so distraught and upset because I didn't have an extra $1600 to pay someone to come paint the entire interior of my home another color.
LIIIIIIIIIIKE, GIVE ME A BREAK RIGHT?!
I went to bed that night pissed off and feeling super sorry for myself. Of course I slept crappy and woke up angry. I snapped at my kids the second they walked in my room to say good morning, and thats when I knew that something had to seriously change. Since then, I have been brought to my knees and humbled over and over with prayers of gratitude. I have made a conscious effort to load my prayers with everything I am thankful for. I have made it a point to thank my kids and my husband for things I normally wouldn't. I have prayed in gratitude for the smallest itsy bitsy things that I usually take for granted. Let me tell you, my entire world has changed. I am overwhelmed with love from my Heavenly Father everyday. I have been able to recognize the Spirit more in my life and be able to discern what is a good way to spend my time and what isn't. I realized that I heard the phrase "MOM! LOOK! LOOK AT ME!" about 1000x less the last few weeks because I am not glued to my phone all day. My kids are happier! Truly! It was a really good time to shut off the social media. I remember logging onto Facebook to sell a few things on a yard sale site, and OF COURSE the first thing that pops up in my news feed is some drama about the church and all these people up in arms about baptism policies. HOLY MOLY PEOPLE. Get a grip. If you even for one second dropped to your knees and sincerely prayed for help to understand the things the church does - you wouldn't be feeling so confused and angry. Stop turning to social media outlets for answers to your questions. Stop being sucked into the nasty, hateful quicksand on the internet. I have had to pray so hard for love and compassion towards people lately. I am so tired of hearing about the Apostles (who I love and respect with all of my heart and soul) being trashed on the internet. Especially by people I am close to. Pretty much I just hate Facebook and wish it would die off like MySpace did. But that is a conversation for another day that I will probably never publish because I get way too worked up. My palms are already sweating and my heart is racing. The church is true, my testimony is solid and that isn't changing. I just wish people would try a little harder to stick with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ when times get tough. Everything you are and everything you have is given to you by a loving and compassionate Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. Giving them the benefit of the doubt when you don't entirely understand something at first, is the LEAST you can do.
The take away - if you are ever feeling like things are off in your life, try to stay off social media for a while. You don't have to be an extreme psycho like me and try to go 30 days.. but even a day or two. Reset your mind and pray a little extra. Cultivate gratitude! Tell people thank you for all of the little things you never think about or recognize when you are distracted. I can guarantee you that the result will be a little like this ...
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