When Strength Is Out Of Your Reach

I have a lot of dust to brush off of my journal today. I haven't been on here to preach from my little soapbox (to the two readers I have) in a long time. I have felt prompted to do it on many occasions in the last 12 months, but the process is long and sometimes it uncovers things that I have stuffed deep down and preferred not to deal with. (I am sure no one out there has ever done something like that before... 😜) Well, I woke up today and for whatever reason, had the motivation to hash out some things I have been dealing with, and try to work through them into a place of peace that I desperately need.

Life is constantly changing. It goes from calm waters, gradually tossing a little more chaotically each day due to small trials, then morphs and mutates into a total crap-storm and lays you out flat on your arse when you least expect it. That pattern continues over and over again. Sometimes you find clarity. Sometimes you are able to process the things that are unfolding around you, make a plan, and really crush it. You walk away taller, stronger, holding your head a bit higher. I have experienced victories like that. The feeling is superhuman. There is nothing quite like it.

Other times, clarity is out of reach. The emotional turmoil that legitimately mimics the stomach flu, sweeps you up and tosses you into a tailspin. These are the moments when Satan has won. He has pushed and pulled you in so many different directions, that you can't discern what is good, and what is not. Unfortunately, we need these junctures. We need to have our lives tossed about. It is hard. It makes us tired. It hurts our morale and sometimes breaks our spirits. HOWEVER, if we can recognize what is happening, then we can see witness something big. That is when the beautiful movement happens. When we see Satan for what he is, when we realize that we have lost the truths we know and have let the trial consume us - THAT is when we can finally see the glimmer of clarity again in the distance. That is when we can decide to forge ahead, make a plan, and pull the pieces of our life back together to process and mend that which has been broken.

I am starting to learn that regardless of how hard I may try to be a "boss level" wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, disciple of Christ - there is always going to be someone who doesn't see me trying my best. Whether their expectations are too high, or they are just not in a healthy place to see me for who I am - this is a reality that we all have to swallow and work through. Sometimes I want to blame movies, tv, social media, etc for setting these insane, sky scraper high promises. It leaves us all thinking that a majority of humans have handfuls of fulfilling, emotionally stable relationships where they are never left wanting or needing anything else. IT IS TOTAL CRAP. There is no tasteful or gentle way of putting that. Imperfection is who we are. There will never be a time when every emotional, physical, spiritual need in our life is met at full capacity with no interruptions. That just isn't a reality. We can't expect a relationship to do that for us. Bottom line.

We each have our own love language, right? I truly believe that. That logic makes sense to me, and helps me to treat people better. For years my love language has been words of affirmation. I have long suffered from a super low level of self esteem. I can't remember a time where I have been confident in who I was, or felt that my worth was measured high enough. I can pinpoint some very specific things in life that have attributed to the lack of love for myself, and try my best to work through and rise above them. But right now, in the stage of life I am currently in - my love language has flipped from words of affirmation to acts of service. Service speaks to me. It lightens my load, eases my heartache, minimizes my stress, and keeps me from spiraling into all consuming panic attacks that I have battled with for years. With all of the things I am juggling (most of them teetering so far off balance that I fear they will all tumble at once) acts of service is what fills up my "love tank".  SO, as a wife, mother and friend - that is what is easiest for me to do for other people. I am good in crisis mode. I can be that person you call when everything is crashing down and you need a solid friend by your side. I will be there to pick up the pieces. I will cook for you. I will clean for you. I will take in your kids and love them like my own when you need me to. It is a natural thing for us to excel in love by doing the things that we, ourselves, would also love done for us. Serving is a strength for me. Serving comes easy for me. The relationships I can nuture and have space for in my heart right now, are the ones without unrealistic expectations. To some that might sound weak, but for now that is my truth. I will love you, I will serve you, I will pray for you and think about you constantly through out the day, even if I don't tell you that I do. Right now, I am not going to be consistent with face to face interaction. I am always going to have the best of intentions to put in the time to foster friendships, but the reality is that sometimes I won't show up. Sometimes I will give into the exhaustion and anxiety and not follow through. I have one hour from 9-10pm every night to see my husband without four kids talking at us, crying, screaming, fighting, needing baths and meals and attention. I have those few precious minutes to look him in the eyes.. to do my best to focus on quality time with him.. to grow and strengthen our marriage before I literally become a hollow zombie - because of the need to do that, everything else is going to fall to the side. I don't think it will always be this way, but for now, it is. At this point I say, take it or leave it!

Here is the important take away - my strengths might be your weaknesses. Your strengths are most likely my weaknesses. THAT is the BEAUTY of the human experience. If we can all mold our perspective to a place of love and acceptance of others faults, every single trial that pops up will feel easier to handle. We will find the relationships that serve us, we will be able to more readily serve others, and we will find an inner peace that enables us to let the rest go. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. We cannot expect perfection. In truth, no one around us can fully understand the things each other are going through. We can try our hardest to walk in their shoes, to feel their pain, or understand their behavior. Only the Savior completely and perfectly knows the feelings we struggle with each day. Only the Savior understands our strengths and weaknesses and loves us wholly because of BOTH. I have found myself feeling lonely, forgotten, and sad over the last couple weeks. I was hoping and waiting for people to reach out to me and pull me out of it - when what I needed to do all along was get down on my knees and pray. Pray to my Savior to take my burdens and lift me back up. Pray to feel HIS love. Pray at those moments of loneliness, to have His love be enough. Because really, it is all I need to keep moving forward. He is my perfect example, and the only one I need to look to as I press on and keep refining who I am. We can all afford to give each other a little more patience, and a little more grace.