Please, no! Not another blog!

        I know what you are all thinking.. "Oh please no, not another mormon mommy blog!" Trust me, I too have felt those same emotions. Lucky for you (and me), I cannot sew. I am not crafty. I do not make homemade baby food. I do not have the abs of an olympian after four pregnancies. I do not run marathons. I cannot survive one day without caffeine. I have tried giving up sugar and I never last. I do not always use proper grammar and punctuation. I do not have it all together, and probably never will. 

        I do however drive a minivan (guilty) They are just SO convenient! I do have my share of insecurities. I do envy admire the women I know who can sew, craft, concoct gourmet baby food, rock a six pack and keep their refrigerators sparkling. I drink a lot of caffeine.  I indulge in the occasional oreo. I love a good Meghan Trainor song. There is dust on my furniture. There are at least five pairs of my husband's kids' shoes sprawled through out the house. I leave laundry in the washer or dyer at least once a day. I feel jealousy often. I swear sometimes. I lose sight of my blessings. I have anger issues. I have some emotional baggage. I am incredibly flawed - and for that I am truly grateful. 


         I have felt impressed for some time to do something like this, and now is as good a time as any. My vision for this blog is simple. I have been to hell and back in my life and I am only 28 years old. I have been through things that most never have to think about. I feel like the experiences I had when I was in my "rock bottom" have molded me into the woman, mother, wife and friend that I am today. I have about a zillion miles to go before I would ever preach to be entirely solid in my faith - but I feel like I have a lot to give. I feel like my testimony is continuously growing and changing into something beautiful. That being said, I am the worst public speaker of all time. I have issues even teaching a simple lesson to my 11 year old primary class. I am hoping by publishing a post on this blog once a week - it will give me an opportunity to share my testimony and be a missionary even if I only have one reader. (I know I can always count on my husband to read it while he's sitting on the toilet couch ;)

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        I don't know who else has been experiencing this lately, but I personally have had a couple immediate family members leave the church. I try to take a step back and understand why they are choosing it, what poor experiences they had that negatively effected their testimonies, what could possibly make them think they'd be happier without the gospel? I go through the emotions typically in this order - shock, sadness, worry, anger, shock, shock, shock, sadness. Shock usually wins most of my emotional journey. For me, it has been people who I saw as solid in their beliefs. People who I looked up to and felt like I could count on should my own testimony go dim. But here is the golden piece of advice guys - are you ready?!? We cannot rely on anyone else's testimony to be our own. I have tried that, more times than I care to admit. 

        I spent five years away from the church. In that time I got pregnant at 18 and rushed into a marriage that was doomed from the start. We were both in the most unhealthy places mentally, physically and spiritually. I spent the next few years in a downward spiral. I do not remember one moment before I was 22 that I felt like I had any kind of testimony or love for the gospel. I leaned on my older siblings, parents, and church leaders to carry me through the years as a teen that I was dragged to church.  I am realizing now, as I see these family members turn away on a path of "discovery", that all I can really do that is worth my time and theirs, is to love them unconditionally. To be an example of Christ in all that I do. If anything, it has pushed me to work harder to strengthen my testimony. It helps me to read my scriptures more often, study the words of the prophets, and do my absolute best to be ready to answer questions or help them should they ask. 

        I don't know the answers to everything. I don't claim to have the key to all the truths of the gospel. I am still learning. I am still working on my own conversion - but everyday I get a little closer. There have been moments in the temple, at church, or even just at home - when I have felt the spirit so strong. Moments have come where I have stopped in my tracks and dropped to my knees in prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for the spiritual clarity I had received in that quiet moment. I know in my heart that this is where I belong. I am the happiest when I am in a good place with my testimony. I am the happiest when I look at my trials as my own refining fire. I find comfort and peace in knowing that I am gaining wisdom and knowledge every single time I attend the temple or read my scriptures. I don't always want to go to church for three hours on Sunday and walk the halls with a crying baby. I don't always have the patience to be interrupted five thousands times with farting jokes while I am trying to teach my primary class. I don't always get my visiting teaching done or have a good attitude when I send my husband to scout camp outs. Being a member of the church takes a lot of time, sacrifice and dedication. But yowzers - it brings so many blessings. It makes the hard things SO worth it. 

       I don't care what mistakes were made a hundred plus years ago by a man in the church. I don't care if one of my leaders in the past did or said something that wasn't in complete sync with the Lord's way. I don't care if men can use the priesthood in a different way than I can. I don't care that mistakes are made by humans in the church. I make mistakes everyday. I stumble and fall and am SO GRATEFUL to have the atonement to fix those mistakes. I don't know why people allow small and insignificant histories take away their faith, especially when they have had clear and lasting witnesses of the truth. I wish we could all remember our spiritual highs when we are trapped in our spiritual lows. All I do know is that I love my Heavenly Father. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so incredibly thankful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and will shout it from the rooftops for as long as I live. If I die someday and none of this was true, then boy did I work my butt off to be the best version of myself I could be. The gospel gives me that. I pray everyday that anyone who is struggling with their testimony will find the anchor they need to come back. I did it. You can too. 

          

"In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. It was of this very incident, this specific miracle, that Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.

The second observation is a variation of the first. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.” That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak! Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle."  

So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work. As one gifted writer has suggested, when the infinite fulness is poured forth, it is not the oil’s fault if there is some loss because finite vessels can’t quite contain it all. Those finite vessels include you and me, so be patient and kind and forgiving." -Jeffrey R Holland