We cannot see what is in the heart

This post might take you a week to read so plan accordingly.  I have wanted to write something about this for a long time. The reason I hadn’t done it yet, even in my own personal journal that no one else sees, is because I truly hadn’t gone through the entire forgiveness process and was still holding onto some serious feelings of resentment toward a handful of people. It is pretty eye opening, even at my ripe old age of 28, how difficult it is to forgive people that wrong you. It is SO hard! Knowing how hard it really is makes me appreciate my Savior even more than I already do. Our Father in Heaven forgives us the second we truly repent. THE VERY SECOND! How amazing is that?! When we fully recognize our mistakes and take our plea to the Lord through prayer to forgive us, HE DOES. Just another reason among the million others to strive each day to be like Him.

         Before our family moved to Utah, we got a ridiculous amount of warnings and mean spirited comments jokes about the people here.

“Watch out for the people in Utah, they love to gossip.”

“Be careful who you make friends with, I have heard it’s pretty hard to live up to the standards people hold there.”

“Throw out your swim suit if it doesn’t reach your chin or cover your knees.”

         As if I wasn’t already terrified to leave the city I had been born and raised in, now I had to worry about how I looked or sounded when I met a bunch of complete strangers. As a woman, I of course already had my own insecurities. I am yet to meet a person who doesn’t have any - but maybe there is one out there. If there is, I WILL FIND YOU and pick your brain because that would be an amazing burden to be lifted from my shoulders. Can I get an amen?! Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Being who I am, and having the past I do – I really was worried about moving away from home. Yes, I had my husband and my kids who would always have my back – but I knew the incredible blessing it was to have a couple close girlfriends who had my back in a different way. I was leaving a few of them behind in Arizona and I really did think I wouldn’t be able to find any in this new, foreign state full of potential meanie heads. That being said, my attitude about coming here was pretty rotten. Attach the “D” word (divorce, you potty mouths) to my reputation and I pretty much felt like I didn’t have a fighting chance.

         Divorce. Why is that such a touchy subject?! (insert weirded out/judgey face emoji) I never really understood the hushed whisperings that come along with divorce talk. I guess for some who deal with earth shattering situations that precede divorce, I understand their hesitation and secrecy about the whole thing. In my situation, it was just issues that we both brought into the marriage, carried through the marriage, and ended the marriage with. We were not in any way/shape/form ready or willing to give what it took to be married. I went through things that I never in a million years want to tell anybody. Part of the reason I don’t smatter those things out in public is because it was a long time ago. People make mistakes – but they can also make positive changes. I like to believe in the changed version of people, rather than dwell on their past. I have been blessed with the ability to do this– probably because I pray and wish for people to do the same for me, had they known that previous version of me. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change the choices I made that took me down a road filled with years of heartache – but there is no way my testimony would be as strong as it is without them. I wouldn’t’ be who I am without those trials, and I am so grateful for them and for where my heart is now.

         It took a lot of time, a lot of stumbling, and a lot of humility to get my relationship where it is with my oldest daughter's dad. We have both made huge strides as far as our character goes. I have not met many people who have been through divorce (especially with kids involved) and are able to get along and appreciate each other as healthily as we do. For some reason or another – people think that is WEIRD. If we get along and genuinely care about one another’s well being, then there must be something strange going on underneath the surface. HOW SAD IS IT that this is an outsider’s very first judgment of the situation? I don’t know why this is such an obtuse idea for people to grasp – but we share responsibility and love for our beautiful daughter. She is the focus. She is the reason we worked as hard as we did to cultivate our relationship after our marriage had ended. She is the reason we chose to better ourselves and go down our own paths of self-improvement. Why should an innocent child ever have to suffer a strained relationship between two parents? They shouldn’t. I am not naïve. I know that some relationships between divorced parties cannot be mended no matter how hard you try. I am blessed in the fact that we both mutually wanted to build a partnership that would help our daughter grow up with a positive vision of forgiveness. Not everyone can have that. I thank Heavenly Father for it everyday. I am so humbled and so blessed to be able to give her a solid, healthy experience with divorced parents.

         Making the choice to move her away from her dad was not easy. The weight of it actually didn’t really settle in until a few months after being here. I often try to put myself in his shoes, and do my best to understand the trial it is for him to be away from his child. At that time he was in PA school and was able to find a rotation here in Utah to do for part of his education. He had asked if we would be willing to let him stay with us for 4 weeks while he completed the rotation. He asked that I chat with Kyle and get back to him. My very first reaction was pure joy – my daughter would be able to see her dad for a full four weeks, morning and night. They would be able to have breakfast together each morning. He could take her to the bus stop. They could spend some quality moments together and strengthen their relationship, which in turn would make the distance a little easier. Not to mention that PA school costs a small fortune and I am pretty sure he was living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for two years. An extended stay at a hotel was obviously not an option. Then of course Satan showed up (as he usually does in moments of happiness) and started putting doubts in my heart.

“What will your neighbors think?”

“How will this look to the parents of Brooklyn’s friends? Will it effect how they feel about her?”

“What if people ask me about it? What do I say? How do I defend my choices?”

“Everyone will judge you.”

 I asked Kyle about it and his first reaction was “Of course he can. Who are we to turn away someone, especially family, in their time of need?” Kyle was so blessed to grow up with parents who opened their home to anyone and everyone that needed it. He had a lot of different ward members, family members and friends who lived with him at different times in his life. He was shown an incredible example of Christ like love and for that I am eternally grateful. He didn’t even think twice about having my ex-husband under our roof for those four weeks. What an incredible man! Am I right?! I am the luckiest. Anyways, his attitude quickly crushed the doubts I had and we welcomed Joel into our home with open arms.

About a week or so after he arrived – the rumors started flying. People I had never even spoken to were talking about me.

“How weird is it that her ex-husband is staying with them? Why would Kyle ever be okay with that? I can’t believe they are sleeping under the same roof when they have had 'relations' before.”

OKAY REALLY?! First of all, yes, we have a child together. If your parents haven’t spoken to you about the human reproductive process when you’re 30+ years old – pick up an anatomy book.  Second of all, why in the world are you even talking about another person’s intimate past? There is a handful of things wrong with that scenario all together. Honestly though, the worst part was now I believed all the warnings I was given before I moved here  – and that totally sucked. I was so bummed to realize that I had moved into a neighborhood that was so quick to judge me without knowing a thing about me. I never had to deal with that in Arizona. It made being away from home and away from family THAT MUCH HARDER.

Yes, from the outside looking in – it might seem odd that we had an ex spouse staying in our home. So odd that you have to get together with other people in the ward and chat about it while you were fulfilling a church calling?! I DON'T THINK SO. Here is the thing though - this is not the church's fault. We are all held to very high standards, and we all falter. Either way, it felt like my world was shattered. I don’t know why I cared so much what other people thought about me, but I did – and it was one of the most painful and emotionally draining situations I had ever been in. Here I was, trying to do what I thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would want me to do. I was trying so hard to make the best out of what I had been given, and strangers were condemning me for it. I dealt with a lot of ugly emotions for months over it. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't even want to go out to the neighborhood park and sled or play in the snow with my kids because I was so insecure and afraid of seeing people who I knew were talking about my family. I had TWO people that were understanding about it. Two. They asked me the questions they had, I answered truthfully, and we moved on. I cherish them now, and they are two of my closest friends. Can you imagine what life would be like if we all acted the way those two did?! 

     If we were all able to candidly ask questions about things we didn’t entirely understand, can you imagine the heartache we would avoid?! Instead of assuming the worst about people or making judgments about their lives when you have ZERO facts – pull them aside and ask them what you want to know! I can guarantee almost all of the time, the parties involved are trying to hard to do what they think is best. I was. My husband was. We were striving to emulate Christ in our actions, and people were shunning us for it because they were too quick to judge. It took a long time for me forgive the people who talked harshly about me. A long time. To be entirely truthful – sometimes I think back on it and still feel crummy. There were other times when people would come out of the blue and tell me that my name was brought up at an essential oils party or some other MLM function concerning some rumor that had no truth to it. I think about how many more strong relationships I might have in my life had this not have happened. That is where forgiveness comes in. That is where this situation turns to me and I am given the choice to judge others for judging me or to let it go and forgive them. I am in no way innocent of passing judgments. We all do it. I think it is safe to say there isn’t a human that ever existed who hasn’t done it. However, it is also safe to say that we can all work on it. We can all do our best to first love one another, rather than judge one another. If there is something so pressing about someone else’s life that you find yourself talking to others about – then its time to personally go find them and ask the questions you have. Talk honestly and openly with others. I wish people would have done that with me, because these lingering hurt feelings are super duper lame. I almost let them ruin my ability to find friends here. I almost gave up entirely on my neighbors and our future relationships because I was offended. How sad and awful that might have been. 

There really is a point to all this rambling. The worst part of this experience is that things like this happen to people all the time. I am so hesitant to get to know new people or make more friends here because of what happened. I am working on being more open and willing to trust people and let them in. I have to figure out how to forgive people when they wrong me, because I know others have forgiven me when I have done wrong. We can't miss out on awesome relationships and experiences because of being hurt by something in the past. People leave the church all the time because of being personally offended by others. Don't let the poor choices of others take away your testimony. Don't let the handful of people who wronged you affect how you feel about the rest. We are all flawed, and that is why we have the atonement. Besides, maybe they have repented long ago and are just waiting for your forgiveness. We have all got to do better!

 “It seems common practice for people to talk about their friends and neighbors and to criticize their seeming peculiarities and weaknesses. In fact, it is so general that one would think that gossiping about and judging others was the thing to do.

The reason, therefore, that we cannot judge is obvious. We cannot see what is in the heart. We do not know motives, although we impute motives to every action we see. They may be pure while we think they are improper.

How can we, with all our weaknesses and frailties, dare to arrogate to ourselves the position of a judge? At best, man can judge only what he sees; he cannot judge the heart or the intention, or begin to judge the potential of his neighbor.

We are too prone to listen to, accept, and repeat such adverse criticism, such maliciously spoken or printed words, without stopping to realize the harm we may be doing to some noble person.

Let us look for the good rather than try to discover any hidden evil. We can easily find fault in others if that is what we are looking for.

Let us remember too that the further out of line or out of tune we ourselves are, the more we are inclined to look for error or weaknesses in others and to try to rationalize and justify our own faults rather than to try to improve ourselves.

Regardless of our ego, our pride, or our feeling of insecurity, our lives would be happier, we would be contributing more to social welfare and the happiness of others, if we would love one another, forgive one another, repent of our wrongdoings, and judge not.

We never gain anything or improve our own character by trying to tear down another. “

-N. Eldon Tanner