You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.

The concept of eternal families has me like "whoa"

 I am overwhelmed with awe and gratitude. My heart could burst at the thought of being with my people for eternity. If I keep working my tail off to go uphill in life and do what the Lord has asked me to do, this truth can be mine. It just blows my mind. I can't really find the words to best suit my feelings on the subject! No phrase seems good enough.


Now let us get a little real here. Are you ready?

MY. KIDS. DRIVE. ME. INSANE.

Sidebar - Why do all the extra periods seems to help convey my serious tone?! Mystery.

Really though, straight up crazy town.

I will kneel down lay down half asleep for my prayers before bed and get real with Heavenly Father about the bajillion times I lost my temper that day and ask sincerely for forgiveness and help to be better the next day. I promise myself I will wake up pumped and ready to just ROCK the mom thing. I go over in my brain about all the super fun things I can do that I know they will love. Sprinkle pancakes for breakfast, fun shaped foods in their lunches, skipping a day of bed making, staying in jammies til noon, watching two movies in a row - you know, super exciting stuff for little nuggets. I make a pact with myself to not lose my cool.. to keep my voice calm and to shower them with lots of hugs and kisses. I think to myself that I am probably dreaming a little too big at this point to include that many "fun" activities in their day but I go for it. 

{Fast forward to the next morning}

Its 5AM and I hear the baby girl scream-crying on the monitor. Dammit! She slept til 7AM the past three days. Why the flip is she up at 5? Keep a smile on, you got this. Go feed her a bottle and lay her back down. Fifteen minutes later, she's crying again. Go grab her, put her in her exersaucer and turn on a Baby Einstein. (Don't judge me) 

Lay my tired bum back down around 5:45. 

Couple minutes later my three year old is all up in my business like she just pounded a 64oz Mt Dew. "Is it good morning time?!!!? Can you make me breakfast? I want toast with honey. NO! Toast with jelly. NO! Toast with peanut butter and jelly. Actually waffles. Yeah, waffles!" Efffffffffffffffffffffff. There is no way she is going back to sleep. Half throw the iPad at her and tell her to go watch a show. 

What seems like thirty seconds later but is probably thirty minutes if we are being truthful - all the kids are now up and fighting over the iPad. I can't decide if I need to buy one for each kid or just throw away the one we do have and call it good. The jury is still out on that one. 

I get my butt out of bed and head to the first thing on my list - sprinkle pancakes. They all race to pull chairs over to the kitchen counter because they want to "help". They fight over the blue chair. It is a blood bath as usual and ends with no one using the blue chair because they can't figure out who's turn it is. I have vowed to repaint that stupid kitchen chair for years so they'd stop fighting. It's still blue. I used to love the color blue. Now it makes me want to scream. 

By this point I have already yelled at them AND mumbled swear words under my breath about how much they bicker and how much I hate listening to it. Hmmmm welp, lost my cool. Exactly what I didn't want to do.. and its only 7am. This is kind of my routine everyday. I try so hard to wake up and be level headed and gentle with my kids. IT. IS. SO. HARD.  I 100% have anger issues passed down through genetics (okay, I don't know if that is possible but it makes me feel better to think just maybe I inherited it somehow) and it is really hard for me to not raise my voice during the day. I don't know if it ever accomplishes anything - but sometimes it makes me feel better to yell about crap. It isn't just my kids that I yell at. Usually its the workout app cheering me on to do more burpees, or the dinner being burned, or the STUPID ELECTRICAL OUTLET ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR THAT I STUB MY TOE ON EVERYDAY. 

I have a really hard time with the whole "calm" thing. I should probably take up yoga or some type of meditation. Or maybe just get a prescription for prozac. I don't know. I work hard on it everyday. I fail a lot. So much it seems, that I get really down on myself and start doubting my ability to be a mother to these precious, beautiful little girls. That is where my main squeeze steps in and slaps some sense into me. I am a good mother. Just because I raise my voice and get annoyed by my kids every day doesn't make me a bad parent. I love those babies. I love them with the most insane, consuming, outrageous love. My little family is my life. They are my world. I live and breathe for them. I am SO grateful that Heavenly Father designed the perfect plan for families and has given us the chance to be together forever. I could never face a life without them. I may not be the best at talking gently when I am frustrated. I may not tolerate a kitchen mess well when the kids "help" with cooking. I may scream into a pillow and crave time alone more often than other moms do ... but there is a lot of good that I do. I make those babies laugh on the daily. I dance with them any chance I get. I teach them. I pray with them. I share my testimony with them. I help them see right from wrong. I love them with my whole heart and work so hard everyday to do what the Lord has asked me to do so that we can be together as a forever family. It is the best and the hardest job in the entire world - and I feel so lucky to have it. 

I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs—Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island.

Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones.

Mothers, we acknowledge and esteem your faith in every footstep. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever. 

-Jeffrey R Holland